At least Barbie became an Astronaut, a pediatrician, a veterinarian, a teacher, a chef and a rock star! I have to ask, What have you, Disney Princesses done for us lately?!?!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
At least Barbie became an Astronaut, a pediatrician, a veterinarian, a teacher, a chef and a rock star! I have to ask, What have you, Disney Princesses done for us lately?!?!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
"My kids aren't the ones who cry for no reason that would be your brat. I've been told the stories of how he whines when you leave the room, cries because you served the wrong mac n cheese. Like I said he is a strong candidate to get his ass kicked by the time he hits kindergarten. Look at how fucked up your son is."
Are you kidding me?!?! Again, what 40 year old MOTHER says that about another child. I'm just speechless!!!
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Me: Damn, I forgot the pumps. There goes my social life! LOL
Ashlee: I don't get it.
Me: Clueless...sex toy...social life!
Ashlee: What? Your texts are confusing me.
Me: Sorry, I meant that I want to include the breast pumps in my sex life. LOL
Ashlee: Ok. I was not understanding you. Now I do. You make me laugh. Lol the more you explain the more it makes more sense. then the funnier you get. For a sec i was wondering if you were drinking vodka chased with some pain meds
Me: Oh you know me SO well! Got my martini shaker in the passenger seat. Buckled in, of course.
Ashlee:Of course. Buckled up for safety. You can't be wastin the good stuff.
Me: Exactly, I have precious cargo. Maybe i should put my shaker in P's carseat. You know, just in case.
Ashlee: I think you should! Of make the sharker their own car seat.
Me: GENIUS! I'm going to Lowe's right now!
Ashlee: Good idea. Don't leave Lil S in the car! They might get stolen.
I think it goes without saying, Ashlee is going to make a GREAT Mom. Always looking out for the safety of our most precious cargo!
Friday, October 9, 2009
Ashlee: OMG this girl smells like Aussie hair products. LOL and eeeek at the same time.
Me: LOL. Funny, she doesn't look like her picture. (oh she had submitted her online resume with a picture of her. I'm pretty sure it was her senior portrait from like 5 years ago).
Ashlee: UMMMM not really at all. The eyes a little. Maybe she got the picture off the Internet. I think I'll put Katie Holmes as my resume pic. Who will you put?
Me: Well if you put Katie, then I will be your Tom.
Ashlee: Sounds like a deal. That's a good cliche! You'll be the Tom Cruise to my Katie Holmes. Good in a wedding speech.
Me: Perfect. Now you can write your speech for my wedding! You will be my Katie and Steve can be our Suri.
Ashlee: Even better. Steve can be Tom, you can be Katie and I can be Suri. We're a little family.
Me: Yes like the Tree of Trust.
Ashlee: No we are the Triangle of Trust. See there is 3 of us and a triangle has 3 sides.
Me: Perfect. *sneezes for the 1 millionth time*
Ashlee: Bless you
Me: Thanks. *puts antibacterial hand gel on my arm (I sneeze into my arm jeez)* Hey. I wonder if you can use antibacterial gel like a spermicide. You know in case you ever run out of spermicide.
Ashlee: Why don't you just pour Jager in your Vag?
Me: Can you do that?!?!
Ashlee: No wait, that's not right. That only speeds the little guys up.
Me: Do tell Yoda.
Ashlee: Ever notice how most pregnancies happen when you're drunk!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Steve: What do you think about man-pris?
Me: I don't!
Steve: So no man-pris, huh?
Me: Negative Ghost Rider. You are not clear for man-pris. Please return to base. IMMEDIATELY!
Steve: Even while mountain biking?
Me: Roger that, Shippy.
Steve: Awwww. So I should probably cancel my order then, huh?
Me: Yeah. However, I've been trained to say that "We have a don't ask, don't tell policy around here"
Steve: But you're not supposed to expose your knees below 60 degrees..... (blah, blah, blah, I stopped listening at this point)
Me: I'm sorry Sir, this is a secured line, I'm gonna have to ask you to stop communicating on it.
Sadly, I know that the next time we go mountain biking, he's going to show up in man-pris (probably listening to Coldplay and driving a truck with a bumper sticker that says "I like balls on my chin"). I'm a slave to fashion just as much as the next person, but when I'm out mountain biking, getting dirty (yes, I head for EVERY mud hole) and sweaty, that's the point where I just say "fuck it" my knees are already screwed up from years of soccer and cheer-leading. I say bring on the cold weather Mother Nature. BRING.IT.ON!!! *shakes fist in air* (however I will take pix so we can all laugh as Steve awaits the Great Flood. You go Moses, you go!)
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
About 2 Fridays ago, I picked P-man up like normal. We stopped for donuts...why, cuz I spoil the crap out of my son. Sue me. I just feel bad for his future girlfriends and wife. LAWL. Anyways, I saw that we were running pretty close to 6pm which is when the witch comes out of her dark hole and drops the kids off at Steven's. So I decided to run a few errands. I DID NOT want to run into the cunt in the parking lot. You can see where this is going, can't you? Yup, so in all of my diligence, the cunt was late and I was late and well....we ran into each other in the parking lot.
Okay, let me back up a second. So driving in the complex, we ran into some of Preston's friends and they wanted him to go to the park with them. No prob, I thought I would just drive over and drop P off at the park. Well I get out of the car to let P out and we're talking to his little friends when this butt ass ugly Witch Mobile (green minivan) stops next to us. I look up and its none other than the c*nt!!! So being the very classy person that she is, she starts yelling and swearing at me in front of a 4 year old, a 7 year old and an 8 year old. My Goddess!! I may use foul language, but she would make a long shore-man, who spent 40 years in the Navy and drove Big Rigs blush!!! db even went as far as to speak DIRECTLY to Preston (and his friends) and tell him that his mother was a home wrecking bitch. W.T.F?!?!? Of course he started to cry. And that's when I went ALL ghetto-white-girl-crazy on her fat @$$. I told her to get the F*&^ out of the car and fight like an adult, she didn't...of course. What did she do? She called her 12(?) year old son. REAL MATURE douche bag!!! Oh and then she called Steve to tell him that I started it. W.T.F?!? Are you serious?!? I did get some good digs in though. I told her that she was a stupid bitch, that she needed to learn how to wear her hair and make-up, to get a J-O-B, to learn how to dress and that she needed to lose some weight and grow some boobs. WHAT?!?!? I can't help it that God gave me a 2nd helping in the breast line!!! Oh and that her breath stunk SO bad that I could smell her coming a mile away!!! *giggle* *hangs head in shame* Sorry, but I know that she is a VERY self-conscience person, so I attacked her weak point.
I know, I should've been the bigger person. The more mature person. But you know what? Once she personally attacked my son, the gloves were off!! I SO wish she would've gotten out of that mini-van. I would've tore her @$$ up! But of course, she will ONLY say something to me when the kids are around or when Steve is around and she knows that he will step in. Really if we EVER (God willing) ran into each other alone, she would look down at the floor and keep walking in her mousey way. Seriously, you should see her walk. Its like Quasimodo! I wonder who's ringing the bell at Notre Dame when she's gone!
So, I have to know what do you think?!?! Was I wrong to start yelling back at her and tell her to get out of the car?!? What would you have done??
- Giants vs. Chiefs
- Bucs vs. Redskins
- Titans vs. Jags
- SeaHawks vs. Indy
- Raiders vs. Texans
- Bengals vs. Browns
- Lions vs. Bears (OH MY)
- Ravens vs. Pats (okay this was a TOUGH pick for me!)
- Bills vs. Dolphins
- J-E-T-S vs. Saints (again another TOUGH pick!)
- Cowboys vs. Saints
- Chargers vs. Steelers (that's right, eff you Shitsburgh!)
- Rams vs. 49ers
- Packers vs. Vikings
IDK. This week was a really tough week for me to pick. There were SEVERAL match-ups where I would want both teams to win, but since that doesn't happen, I went with the best home/away record and even sometimes that was even, so then since I'm such a girlie girl I went with which uniform colors I liked best! I know, I'm lame! Bring on Sunday and the pigskin!!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
- Falcons vs. Pats (Pats)
- Titans vs. J-E-T-S (J-E-T-S)
- Giants vs. Bucs (Giants)
- Packers vs. Rams (Packers)
- Browns vs. Ravens (Ravens)
- Redskins vs. Lions (Lions) Okay, honestly, WHO saw THAT coming?
- Jags vs. Texans (Jags)
- 49ers vs. Vikings (Vikings)
- Chiefs vs. Eagles (what up Twins!!) (Eagles)
- Saints vs. Bills (Saints)
- (da) Bears vs. SeaHawks (I know, I know I went against the hawks at home!!) (DA Bears)
- Steelers vs. Bengals (Bengals)
- Dolphins vs. Chargers (Chargers)
- Broncos vs. Raiders (Broncos)
- Colts vs. Cardinals (Colts)
- Panthers vs. Cowboys (Cowboys)
YES I KNOW!!! I went against the Hawks at home AND the Raiders at home. AND I picked the Steelers. I'm sure H3ll is beginning to freeze over as we speak. ARGH!! Perhaps it's Steven who is brain washing me with all of his black and gold (its really yellow) stuff!!! Oh well, can't wait for Sunday to see how I do this week!!
So let me know. Do you agree or disagree with my picks? How are you doing so far this season?
- Pats vs. J-E-T-S (Jets win)
- Saints vs. Eagles (Saints win)
- Rams vs. Redskins (Skins win)
- Cards vs. Jags (Cards win)
- Panthers vs. Falcons (Falcons win)
- Vikings vs. Lions (Vikings win)
- Bengals vs. Packers (Bengals win)
- Texans vs. Titans (Texans win)
- Raiders vs. Chiefs (Raiders win)
- Tampa Bay Bucs vs. Bills (Bills win)
- Seahawks vs. 49ers (49ers win)
- Ravens vs. Chargers (Ravens win)
- Steelers vs. (da) Bears (Bears win)
- Browns vs. Broncos (Broncos win)
- Giants vs. Cowboys (Giants win)
- Colts vs. Dolphins (Colts win)
Well, I got pretty much screwed over last Sunday!! Thank Goddess, I wasn't putting money down on my picks. ARGH!!! It was a frustrating week. See if I ever pick the Steelers again!! A-holes!! I give you a little bit of faith and you screw me over! I'm NOT bitter...no.not.at.all!! See y'all in Week 3.
So, I know that we are already approaching Week 3, but I thought I would go back (and honestly) post my picks and the winners. I think some of you might be surprised with some of my picks. My picks will be in Purple! =D
- Tennessee Titans vs. Pittsburgh Steelers (Steelers win)
- Miami Dolphins vs. Altlanta Falcons (Falcons win)
- KC Chiefs vs. Baltimore Ravens (Ravens win)
- Philly Eagles (shout out to the TT!!!) vs. Carolina Panthers (Eagles win)
- Minnesota Vikings vs. Cleveland Browns (Vikings win)
- Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Indy Colts (Indy wins)
- Dallas Cowboys vs. Tampa Bay Bucs (Cowboys win)
- Detroit Lions vs. N.O Saints (Saints win)
- New York Jets vs. Houston Texans (J-e-t-s win)
- Denver Broncos vs. Cini Bengals (Broncos win)
- SF 49ers vs. Arizona Cardinals (49ers win)
- St. Louis Rams vs. Seattle Seahawks (Hawks win)
- Chicago (da) Bears vs. Green Bay Packers (Packers win)
- Buffalo Bills vs. NE Pats (Pats win)
- San Diego Chargers vs. Oakland Raiders (Chargers win)
As you can see, I didn't do half bad for week one. I picked 13 winners!!! (DAMN RAIDERS!!) And yes, you read right, I picked the Steelers. Hey they may not be my fav team, but I'm not a dummy either. This is a competition and I'm gonna win!!! As they say on any given Sunday, there is a loser and a winner. See you next Sunday!!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Its no secret to those of you that follow me on Twitter or are my "friends" on facebook that I'm plannng an 80's party for Steven's ____th (rhymes with Sporty) Birthday. In preparation for the party, I managed to use my Super-Spy Secret Squirrel training and retrieved a copy of the coveted Senior Year YearBook from 1987.....ok, so he gave it to me! And might I just add, Sucka!!! Needless to say, it gave Ashlee and myself quite a few laughs...which is why my year books are safely hidden and packed away!!! Anywho, in the process of making fun of people...err, I mean doing reseach, we can across a totally awesome "In and Out" list from 1987. So let's see, according to Lakes High School 1987, are you In or are you Out??
- Big and Baggy Shirts
- Black or Dark Clothes (Ahhh the start of the emo era)
- California (Can I get a Woot Woot!!)
- Compact Discs
- College Sweatshirts
- Colored Hair Gel (ahh the start of the poser era. just use real dye for Pete sake!)
- David Letterman
- Diet Coke
- Flame-broiled Burgers (Whoppers are tasty!!)
- Gubby and Pokey (Ahh-huh huh, they said Pokey!!)
- Having your own car & license (Honestly, was there a time that this was "out"?!?!)
- Health Food
- Keds (hmm, I'm picturing Keds and a Gucci purse...Stylin!)
- Laser Tag
- New York Seltzer (Honestly this was the shyt!! Awesome flavors and wicked burps!)
- Pastels (Nothing says I'm hip like guys wearing a pastel pink Polo Shirt)
- Portable Radios (I'm totally picturing John Cusack ala "Say Anything")
- Seniors (I'm guessing they don't mean old people)
- Stonewashed Jeans (perferably skin tight...yummy! NOT!)
- Stress (okay, are you friggin kidding me? Stress?!?! Since when is it cool to be stressed)
- Sweatpants (Oh yeah, another HOT fashion look! *note the sarcasm*)
- Turtlenecks (please there is only ONE reason to wear a turtle neck!!!)
- Yo-Yos (Okay, who the h3ll surveyed that kid?!?!)
- Abbreviating Words ie. Luv, wuz, frenz (okay hold up, how is wuz the abbreviation for was? Its still 3 letters long?!?!)
- Bleached Hair
- Braces (oh yeah, cuz having braces USED to be SOOO totally cool!!)
- Burger King (*tires screeching* Ummm, I thought that flame-broiled burgers are in. Where else do you get flame-broiled burgers?!?!)
- Commitment (Can I get a Woot Woot for free-love!!)
- Discos (pretty sure that went out with the Bee Gees in the EARLY 80's. just saying)
- Dr Ruth
- Dungeons and Dragons (I think someone forgot to tell an entire generation of geeks!)
- Hair Clips
- Hairspray (Ummm, ever seen the hair in the 80's?? it was ALL about the hairspray!)
- Leg Warmers
- Madonna Wanna-be's
- Narcs (yes, because telling on your friends USED to be SOO cool!)
- New Coke
- "On Board" Signs
- Overdone Makeup
- Parachute Pants (and so is M.C. Hammers career!)
- Pastels (*tires screech* Ummm...wasn't Pastels on our IN list?!?! Did they just survey the kids that ride the little yellow school bus?!?!)
- Peace Signs
- Rocky (That's right, Lakes High single handedly ended Stallione's career!)
- Smurfs (WTF?!?! Oh h3ll no! the Smurfs will always ROCK!)
- Spike High Heels (obviously, I NEVER got that memo. Have you seen my shoes?!?)
- Stirrup Pants (Don't worry, Ashlee and I are bringing them back!!)
- Tight clothes (oh yeah guys, cuz nothing and I do mean NOTHING makes a girl swoon like seeing your dirty ass boxer while you are constantly pulling up your size 4X jeans!)
- V-neck Sweaters (but, what will I wear over my turtleneck that's SO in??)
NOT that any of you asked, but there you have it. The IN'S and OUT'S of 1987 according to the fashion forward kids at Lakes High School! *mumbles to self* (Seriously, no stirrup-pants or Smufs?!?! WTF people. W.T.F?!?)
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
The sad thing is....I just don't know how to do it. Cold turkey, join a support group, go exercise. (Damn if that's the answer, I'll NEVER get out of the gym.) Its become a habit for me. I stop at my fav place on the way home, pickup a bottle and enjoy my evening, but the bottle has started to fuck with me. I've been having insomnia like NO other. Sure I fall asleep (aka pass out) just fine, but I wake up at 3am with a splitting headache then I'm up until 7 and just when I'm starting to go back to sleep, that damn alarm goes off!! Its fucking with my personal AND maybe more importantly, professional life. I can barely keep my eyes open at work. So tonight it ends!
IDK what it is, genetics, the thought of independence, rebellion, sneaking it from whomever, IDK, but it ends tonight! Sadly the "fruit of the Gods" has really done nothing more than wrecked havoc on my life. I have fought with my Love, giving up hobbies, ignored friends, etc...all I can think about is grabbin another glass of wine. Red, White, Rose it doesn't matter, I LOVE them all. But tonight it ends.
Not to mention that I have put on about 10 pounds in the last year from drinking alone. I know it won't be easy...the right thing NEVER is, but I'm hoping...no I'm sure, it'll be worth it. I LOVE my size 8 pants, which might sound big to some of you, but the last time I was a size 8 was when I was getting married 8 years ago (I have wide hips, which became wider after having a baby, so sue me!). I was in peak form then. Working out 5 days/week, eating right, not really drinking except MAYBE on the weekends.
The easiest time for me to quit drinking was when I was pregnant with P-man. A friend once told me to just pretend that I was pregnant, that would help. The downside was that my brain knew I wasn't and so I would crave the "sauce". IDK who to blame it on...it's so much easier that way, don't you think? Perhaps, my alcoholic Grandparents on both sides? I mean, some of my fondest memories are of family parties where the adults are playing poker and Uncle Kermit gets so drunk that he falls down, skins his knee and then ends up in the pool. Or is it my Irish heritage or my Indian heritage for that matter? My loneliness? Perhaps even something deeper...maybe I'm just not happy with myself and the way things are. (WOW, that's deep). But whatever the reason, it ends tonight.
See here's where things start to suck. On Saturday Steven and I are going to see Wicked. It would be nice to have some wine at dinner or at intermission. I'm throwing Steven's birthday party on October 10th, again would be nice to have a drink. We are going away on a secret vacation the 23rd of October, would be nice to drink. Is it an illusion to think that I can have a few drinks on those "special" nights then nothing during the week? And of course, football season starts this Thursday. For me football=beer. W.T.F is wrong with me?!? (Starting to sound like an alcoholic yet?) If it doesn't revolve around food or booze then I want NO part of it. Perhaps it would be better if I were preggo, then I would have a valid excuse to not drink. Perhaps its that I've ALWAYS been known as the "party girl" if I lose that identity, then what do I have!?!? Will I still be fun to be around?!? IDK, honestly, I hate crowds. Alcohol makes me lose my inhibitions....WOW that sounds like something you would hear in AA!! I like to think that generally, I'm a "people person" but, IDK, I get REALLY shy around new people and alcohol makes me more....open to go talk to them.
I don't care, whatever the reason(s) it stops tonight. In the words of Linkin Park "I don't know what's worth fighting for Or why I have to scream, I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean. I don't know how I got this way, I know it's not alright, So I'm breaking the habit TONIGHT"
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
BTW~let me interject here and just say that I.AM.TOTALLY.FUCKING.STOKED.BEYOND.BELIEF.THAT.STEVE.AND.I.ARE.GOING.TO.SEE.HIM.IN.OCTOBER! Not that I'm bragging or anything. *neener, neener, we have tickets and you don't*
Anyhow. 1 question he was asked made me think. I'm paraphrasing, but the question went something like this "have you ever received a bad blow job" Again paraphrasing, but Kevin's answer went something like this: "there's no such thing as a bad blow job."
I just had to stop and politely disagree with Sir Kevin Smtih, right there! Obviously I don't get, have never and WILL never be on the RECEIVING end of a BJ, but I have had a couple of people dine at the "Y". And let's just say that not ALL of them have been the best of customers. Some patrons have been sloppy, rude or don't even finish! (and what's with this back and forth head thing like all he is doing is shaking his head "NO"?? REALLY?!?! Like that's gonna get me off) Do you know how hard it is to fake an "O" while someone is giving you oral?!? You try it. Go on, I dare you! It's virtually impossible!!! And it sucks...no pun intended. While he was grubbing down his "meal", I was going over my finite calculus-trig homework that was assigned less than 2 hours ago!!! (and if I didn't have to 'show" my work, I'd be rocking that shyt). I mean, I was trying to figure out how Superman managed to rotate the Earth the other way without causing mass destruction. I was tyring to figure out who the shooter on the grassy knoll was. Hell! I was even trying to figure out what I was going to wear the next day with my knee high combat boots & stripped tights....skirt or shorts?!?!
Listen, I'm a NOT "professional" by ANY means, but I do, sort of, pride myself on my ability to "give" (if you know what I mean). Now, I haven't had any formal training, I haven't read any books nor have I gone to any classes (although how friggin cool would that be?!?!) but you sorta learn along the way. I mean you pick this shyt up in the locker room or in the hall between classes from your BFF's older sister or what not. All us females know Rule #1, first and foremost...NO TEETH!! From there I have learned that it's a matter of personal preference from the receiver.
Anyhow, the whole question and answer, in and of it's self, got me to wonder..."is there such a thing as bad oral sex?!?!"
So I want to hear from you, my loyal reader of 1...okay maybe 2, is there such a thing as bad oral sex? Have you EVER received bad oral? Have you EVER given bad oral sex? OR is bad oral sex an urban legend much like the giant alligators that live in the sewers of NY?
Friday, August 28, 2009
Should I FORCE P to buy him a gift? Should I leave it up to P whether he wants to buy Daddy a gift or not? I mean its not like P is old enough to be able to afford to buy a gift on his own, which means that I'm having to spend money on the Ex...and for that matter, should I get the Ex a card...or even a gift?!?!
I PRIDE myself on being a good Mother, a responsible parent and an excellent role model for my child. As in years past, I made a big deal out of the Ex's birthday....not HUGE or extravagant by ANY means, but a celebration. A celebration for the day that my Ex was brought into the World.
I started asking P weeks in advance what he would like to get Daddy for his birthday...I even let P pick out the present himself (it was an underwater Batman sub...I wonder WHO is REALLY getting to play with that). P also picked out the card himself...after I talked P out of getting the one with the half-naked girl, he decided on a talking South Park Card. And yes, even I got the Ex a gift. What can I say? After 12 years and a ton of shyt, I still consider him my friend. Of course the card was more humorous and less lovey-dovey than years past, but experience has shown that guys could give a rat's patooty about cards. And finally, we did go out to dinner. It wasn't home made with a sexy apron, thong and high heels on, but a nice dinner at a nice restaurant. We shared a bottle of wine and some laughs. It was nice, casual....friendly.
So I have to wonder, am I wrong? Did I over step some sort of "ex-wife" boundary? Or was I right in my choices? Shouldn't it be the responsibility of the Non-Birthday parent to help the kid(s) choose a gift for the Birthday Mom or Dad? Or does it depend on if the parents are getting along? Should the parent's personal feelings really get in the way of teaching a child how to treat someone with love and respect...especially on their Birthday???
What do you all think???
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
Ashlee: So what did you do this weekend?
Me: Well on Saturday Steve and I took the kids to Best Buy to replace some of the movies that had been stolen.
Ashlee: No Ben...
Me: BEST. BUY.
Ashlee: I know what Best Buy is, duh. I mean, what movie are you looking for? Which one with Ben Stolen in it?
Me: *crickets* *deer caught in head lights* WHAT are you talking about?!?!
Ashlee: You know, the actor, Ben Stolen.
Me: NO. We. went. to. Best. Buy. to. replace. the. movies. that. had. been. stolen.
Ashlee: Oooooh. I thought you were looking for a movie with Ben Stolen in it.
Me: *ROFL* *Hyperventilating* I THINK you mean Ben Stiller.
Ashlee: Oh yeah, that's it. So which of his movies did you get?
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Now to start planning our divorce parties!!!! Who wants to buy me a shot?!?!?
Step 1: only approached virgins when in da club. They will be easily recognizable as the quiet ones among their gaggle of friends. Also, they will have no rhythm when out on the dance floor and will most likely be the ones sitting alone in a booth, sipping their umbrella drinks with a HUGE slice of pineapple on the side.
Step 2: take her back to your house...I should probably mention here that Alessander lives at home with his mom. Once at said home, quickly kick your mom out of your room which happens to also be the basement. Light some candles and pour some red wine....classy!
Step 3: when she's bending over for that glass of wine laced with the Plan B pill, quickly stick your junk in her butt (see diagram 1). She's a dirty girl after all....she just doesn't know it yet! And don't forget to ask her how she likes that? Alessander is always the gentleman. This step will insure that you won't get any nasty diseases...you know, just in case your at home STD testing kit is on the fritz.Step 4: when you're about to reach the BIG "O", quickly pull out of her butt. (see diagram 2)You want to make sure that some of your swimmers don't accidentally find their way to the promise land. Further insuring that she doesn't come a knockin 9 months later with a 18 year financial burden. No one wants to go on Maury to have a DNA test. Once you have pulled out, hit her on the head with your junk a couple of times. Show her the goods. This is also a good time to make sure that she hasn't fallen asleep on you. No one likes sex with a dead fish.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
For those of you not quite up on your ultrasound viewing skills, allow me to point out some of the features.
- Note the "Angry Baby" eyebrows, carefully drawn on with black eyeliner. For that "what the eff you looking at Essa?"
- Note the lips carefully outlined with this black eyeliner pencil while still keeping her lips there natural color. This gives Mexi that "come hither" look that every baby needs in the nursery.
- NO those aren't floaties. Those are gold bangles that Mexi acquired on Ebay...yes while still in Ashlee's uterus. Every feisty Latina needs her gold bangles, it says "oh naa-ah, I don't need a Baby's Daddy. I can provide just fine for myself." (complete with neck swivel)
- Last but not least, you'll notice that green thing around the crotchal region. No Mexi does not have the clap, the herp or the hiv. That is her diaper made out of the finest hemp she could find. (WHAT?!?! You try finding hemp on line while you're still in utero). Well where else to you expect her to put her rusty shank?
Of course Mexi isn't just a fashionista, she's also a linguista. Here are some things you might over hear her say:
- Hola Bitches (when she first comes out)
- Ey Papi. Smack dat ass (when the doctor spanks her for the first time)
- Yo Brandon, change my shit (when she has a dirty diaper)
- Yo quiero taco bell, Bitches
- And a little for my homeys (as she nurses for the first time, and squirts a little on the floor)
Welcome Mexi. Can't wait to actually meet you!