Thursday, December 17, 2009

Reasons why I'm glad I DON'T have a baby girl OR this MIGHT explain why I am the way I am

Today's entry actually comes from a blog that I read daily....or at least whenever he decides to post. I follow him and he's hysterically least for all of those parents out there. I just couldn't help but repost this when I read it! So here are the reason's why I think that the Disney Princesses are even worse than Barbie for the feminine psyche courtesy of Cheeky's Dad!

At least Barbie became an Astronaut, a pediatrician, a veterinarian, a teacher, a chef and a rock star! I have to ask, What have you, Disney Princesses done for us lately?!?!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Thanksgiving Dinner

It's been a while since we've had a drawing from Picaso. So I thought I would share her latest. However, as always, I MUST give you some background. Now, I have started calling Ashlee "Miss Chloe" because she is measuring 40 weeks and is only like 36 weeks preggro...oh excuse me, she hates that 36 weeks pregnant. She predicted way back when that Mexi would actually come walking out of the Ute walking and talking...which we believe WILL happen!! So keeping up with tradition, I asked Ashlee to tell me my future. She didn't reach too far into the future, but rather decided to tell me what my Thanksgiving dinner would be like. Behold:

Sooooo cute that she actually thinks I would cook....let alone cook the turkey! WOW as a psychic she knows shit!!! But at least she got the representation of the people right...although I'm pretty sure that Master P is gonna be pi$$ed that Ashlee made him shorter than Zoe since that is what they fight about every other weekend! Gotta love 4 year olds!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving Y'All!!!!!

Monday, November 9, 2009

The Day I Became Mrs. Mary Kay Robbinson

I have read most of the Twlight books....okay, so I'm just about to start Eclipse, but since seeing the stills of New Moon on Trent's website , Ashlee and I are now SO Team Jacob!! I mean he's tall, dark, handsome, a warewolf and ripped...and 17 *screeching brakes* 17 are you eff-ing kidding me?!?! OMG!! I feel like a dirty old woman....drooling over a 17 year old. He's not even legal yet! But DAAAAAAMN GINA!!! That boy is fine! Guess I'll have to wait another year or so for him to be legal. Until then, guess I'll go back to my roots and continue to drool over Louis de Pointe du Lac

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Girl, You'll be a Woman Soon!!

My Father and I danced to this song at my wedding. I think it holds true today even more then it did 8 years ago! Still one that I put on repeat on my iPod!!

Girl, you'll be a woman soon
I love you so much can't count all the ways
I've died for you girl and all they can say is
"He's not your kind"
They never get tired of putting me down
And I'll never knwo when I come around
What I'm gonna find
Don'tlet them make up your mind
Don't you know
Girl, you'll be a woman soon
Pplease, come take my hand
Girl, you'll be a woman soon
Soon, you'll need a man
I've been misunderstood for all of my life
But what they're saying girl it cuts like a knife
"The boy is no good"
Well I've finally found what I'm a looking for
But if they get their chance they'll end it for sure
Surely would
Baby I've done all I could
Now it's up to you....
Girl, you'll be a woman soon
Please come take my hand
Soon, you'll need a man

Do you know the Muffin (wo)Man???

If any of you read Steve's blog, you'll know that they are doing a "Biggest Loser" type contest at work. Well since I'm dating Steve, I by default am also doing the contest. I support him 100% and it just wouldn't be fair for me to snack on bon-bons while watching The Big Bang Theory while he is snacking on carrot sticks. And oh the joy that I'm sure will be coming my way. This Monday night, Shittsburgh is playing on MNF and Steve is going to be making us a "healthy" dinner. Great just what I think of when watching football. Somehow carrot sticks and football just don't go hand in hand to me. Now, pizza and beer and football sounds like my kind of party, but I digress. Where was I??? Oh yes bon-bons and BBT (Big Band Theory). So as I was saying to show my Love that I support him in his quest I got a little curious just to see how bad of shape I am in so I know how good of shape I end up in.
And a little background. I was undoubtedly in my best shape in high school. I lettered in basketball and cheer leading. I was a teen who ate snickers bars and drank coke for those.were.the.days!!! Then I turned 21, started partying and drinking and put on some pounds. So before I got married, I joined a gym and again got down to a decent weight...125 to be exact. After I got married, I still worked out. Even when I was pregnant with P, I worked out, every day in fact, I even worked out on the day that my water broke. Still during those 36 weeks (he was early), I gained 40 pounds. Which is not bad according to the most doctors, but on the high end of what you should gain. Its not like I sat around and ate sweets. In fact, I craved cheese. And I put cheese on every and any thing...hmmm, perhaps that's why I gained so much weight. But anyhow, here I was, 30 and had just given birth. While I did lose the majority of the "baby" weight, I never could get myself back in the gym. I mean just when did I have the time? I worked 8+ hours a day and had a baby and hubby to take care of at home. So I never could drop those last 10/15 pounds. Which brings me to today.
Recently, Steve posted about how bad and off BMI is. After reading the studies, I would have to agree. I mean it was created in the mid to late 1800's. So this morning I stepped on his wonderful little scale and did my body fat%. HOLY.CRAP.ON.A.STICK!!!! I.AM.GOING.TO.DIE.A.FATTY!!! Case in point, my BMI for my height (5'5") and weight (137) is 22, which in the "normal healthy" range. My body fat% for my height, weight and age (34) is 36%!! According to the "experts" I am morbidly obese, should be NO more than 32% . Let's face it Mama Cass had a lower body fat% than I do.
Then I read my fitness magazines. "They" say you should throw out the scale and judge based off of how your clothes fit. Okay, so my size 8's, while they have gotten a little snug over the past few months, still to the job. And thankfully, without muffin tops!! So while I don't know the Muffin (wo)Man, I HAVE become the Stay Puft Marshmallow (wo)Man. Now, please excuse me, while I go gorge myself on carrot sticks and hop on the treadmill until I pass out from exhaustion. *sigh*

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The C*ntpire Strikes Back

As I have mentioned here and here, the c*nt has been after my 4 year old son. Here's another message that she sent me via facebook. Again, those of you who are my friends are on Facebook, know that I have already mentioned that she sent me a direct message, well here it is. How a 40 year old "woman", a "human", a "mother" can attack an innocent 4 year old, I will NEVER know!!! So here is what the c*nt sent me on October 19th @ 10pm:

"My kids aren't the ones who cry for no reason that would be your brat. I've been told the stories of how he whines when you leave the room, cries because you served the wrong mac n cheese. Like I said he is a strong candidate to get his ass kicked by the time he hits kindergarten. Look at how fucked up your son is."

Are you kidding me?!?! Again, what 40 year old MOTHER says that about another child. I'm just speechless!!!

C*nt Face Wars

As I mentioned in a previous post Preston and I had a run in with the C*nt Face Whore that is Steve's ex. Well since that day she has been sending me direct messages on FaceBook. Those of you who follow me on Facebook know that I have alluded to those messages. I'm sorry, IDK maybe its me, but I really don't give a rats @$$ what she says about me, but when she includes my son in her rambling, then like a great hockey rivalry between the Sharks and the Penguins, the gloves are off. And this Mama Bear is NOT afraid to throw her gloves down and take on the c*nt. Funny enough, whenever I do encounter the c*nt, all she does is call her son on the phone or call Steve. She talks big, but can't put the money where her mouth is, sort of speak. I prey to the Gods and Goddesses that I meet her in a dark alley one night. Truth be told, I'm a lover not a fighter. But I was an award winning debater in College and in high school. And honestly, I have picked fights with both girls and guys in the past. IDK call it the Aries in me or the Irish in me, but I stick up for those that I LOVe and the things that I belive in and when you are wrong, you are just flat out wrong.....whoops appears that I got off topic. So the c*nt face, known as Brenda *gag* has been direct messaging me on FaceBook. Like the good Irish-Catholic girl that I am, I have NOT been responding to her, which I'm sure is pissing her off...good! But I thought y'all should know what she has been saying about my sweet, loving 4 year old son, who can't, really, defend himself. So I offer you message#1

"So Like I said before you are a complete fucking bitch and my son feels the same and he would rather have no relationship with his father then have to see your fucking ugly ass face every other weekend and Zoe will soon learn that all you do is try and buy her affection like I said before if you really want her to like you then get her the iPhone (yeah cuz evey 3 year old NEEDS an iPhone) she so desparatly wants that might do the trick because all the crappy ass toys you buy her are truly a waste of money. (heres the kicker) By the way your son should be extremely thankful that he didn't get your big ass nose, you really should change your facebook picture to something a little more flattering because the only thing you see in the pic is your nose. I hope he doesn't bet beat up a lot either with a name like Preston and you for a mother that is already 2 strikes agianst him when he goes to school and then the fact that he is such a momma's boy won't help him either. You should really get him some self defense classes because he will need them."

Really you douche?!?! What do you guys think?!?!

I'm tired....oh so tired!!!

I'm SO tired. I'm tired of arguing. I'm tired of feeling the way I do. I'm tired of trying to be perfect. I'm tired of living in this state. I'm tired of everything I say being wrong. I'm tired of old suspicions creeping back in. I'm tired of second guessing. I'm tired of feeling like I care more than you do. I'm tired of walking on eggshells. I'm tired of feeling like even when I'm doing "good", you still don't believe me. I'm tired of feeling like I can't really be open and honest with you. I'm tired of feeling like I'm being left behind. I'm tired of feeling like I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm tired of feeling like you are slipping away. I'm tired of trying to grasp at straws. I'm tired of my old habits and their aftermath. I'm tired of not having having family around. I'm tired of not having friends around. I'm tired of being by myself. I'm tired of not being a part of your life. I'm tired of finding out shit on the Internet. I'm tired of us never talking to each other anymore. I'm tired of NOT knowing the answer to the question. I'm SO FUCKING TIRED OF IT ALL!!!

Friday, October 16, 2009

You can be my wing-man anyday!!

Last weekend I threw Steve a party for his 40th birthday. And while I PROMISE to post pix from the party, just as soon as the tech-savvy BF can fix my GD computer which wasn't really broken until he tried to "fix" it the last time....ARGH!! Sorry, I digress. For now though, I'm going to give you a little taste of what happened that night! A recap of the party via Ashlee and my text conversation:
Me: Hey, didn't that chick at the party Saturday night remind you of Cher from Clueless and her most responsible looking outfit?
Ashlee: Yes!! That was actually my first thought. I think I might have said a line from the movie to her and she was confused and thought i was creepy. Or i could have said something else to her but i know she thought i was creepy
Me:Well you are creepy
Ashlee: True. So it wasn't any diff. Yeah steve's friends prob think i'm super crazy. you might not want to invite me to the next party. Only save me for special occasions.
Me: Why? Aside from taking pix of your ass, what else did you? *and yes, I WILL be posting those pix*
Ashlee: Sing super loud in people's faces, or very close to them. And they weren't the correct words to the song. tell people the food was all for me. Tell peeps the food was not really what it was and then when they would ask my name, i would tell them a diff name everytime.
Me: Well thank goodness you were the annoying one at the party. Usually its me!
Ashlee: Lol i totally was looking out for you. I wanted his friends to like you so I stepped up my annoyingness to make you look better. I was taking one for the team
Me: I LOVE having a wing-man. Or in your case a wing-woman.
Ashlee: Yes ww for short. So keep me on your special list of: person i want to make me seem less annoying at a social event.
Me: Yes. next time I am your ww.
Funny. If I wasn't there, I would've sworn that Ashlee was drunk. Turns out, she's just naturally strange!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

From Breast Pumps to Martini Shakers....

Anyone who has read this blog, knows that sometimes...okay, most of the times, Ashlee and I miss understand what the other is saying or asking for. Well Ladies and Gentlemen, it will come as NO surprise to know that not only does it happen in person, but also via text. Last night I was driving home and forgot to grap something from Ashlee before leaving work, so I text her to let her know that I totally forgot. The conversation went like this:

Me: Damn, I forgot the pumps. There goes my social life! LOL

Ashlee: I don't get it.

Me: life!

Ashlee: What? Your texts are confusing me.

Me: Sorry, I meant that I want to include the breast pumps in my sex life. LOL

Ashlee: Ok. I was not understanding you. Now I do. You make me laugh. Lol the more you explain the more it makes more sense. then the funnier you get. For a sec i was wondering if you were drinking vodka chased with some pain meds

Me: Oh you know me SO well! Got my martini shaker in the passenger seat. Buckled in, of course.

Ashlee:Of course. Buckled up for safety. You can't be wastin the good stuff.

Me: Exactly, I have precious cargo. Maybe i should put my shaker in P's carseat. You know, just in case.

Ashlee: I think you should! Of make the sharker their own car seat.

Me: GENIUS! I'm going to Lowe's right now!

Ashlee: Good idea. Don't leave Lil S in the car! They might get stolen.

I think it goes without saying, Ashlee is going to make a GREAT Mom. Always looking out for the safety of our most precious cargo!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Triangle of Trust

With Ashlee and Mexi (aka Stupid Baby part Deux) leaving me in December, we have been interviewing people to come in and work part time. Mostly to keep me company so I don't start rocking back and forth in chair while hugging my knees and talking the freckles on my arm that I have just named. We only had one interview today and while the gal was filling out her application, we were already sizing her up and discussing her amongst ourselves. WHAT?!?! Its not like we were talking about her in front of her. Please! We did it behind her back via email!!

Ashlee: OMG this girl smells like Aussie hair products. LOL and eeeek at the same time.

Me: LOL. Funny, she doesn't look like her picture. (oh she had submitted her online resume with a picture of her. I'm pretty sure it was her senior portrait from like 5 years ago).

Ashlee: UMMMM not really at all. The eyes a little. Maybe she got the picture off the Internet. I think I'll put Katie Holmes as my resume pic. Who will you put?

Me: Well if you put Katie, then I will be your Tom.

Ashlee: Sounds like a deal. That's a good cliche! You'll be the Tom Cruise to my Katie Holmes. Good in a wedding speech.

Me: Perfect. Now you can write your speech for my wedding! You will be my Katie and Steve can be our Suri.

Ashlee: Even better. Steve can be Tom, you can be Katie and I can be Suri. We're a little family.

Me: Yes like the Tree of Trust.

Ashlee: No we are the Triangle of Trust. See there is 3 of us and a triangle has 3 sides.

Me: Perfect. *sneezes for the 1 millionth time*

Ashlee: Bless you

Me: Thanks. *puts antibacterial hand gel on my arm (I sneeze into my arm jeez)* Hey. I wonder if you can use antibacterial gel like a spermicide. You know in case you ever run out of spermicide.

Ashlee: Why don't you just pour Jager in your Vag?

Me: Can you do that?!?!

Ashlee: No wait, that's not right. That only speeds the little guys up.

Me: Do tell Yoda.

Ashlee: Ever notice how most pregnancies happen when you're drunk!

Cause I'm so gangsta!!

Today has been a mish-mash of miscommunication in this office. Which has let to some hilarity and I DON'T EVEN want to see what "Big Brother" caught on video!!! With me being sick and Ashlee being deaf, you can only imagine. Its getting close to noon and like an alarm clock, my tummy starts growling....hey, I'm a fat girl and I.NEED.TO.EAT!!! Not really, but I do love me some food. So Ashlee, who actually started this by saying that "baby" was getting hungry, asked what's to eat. The following conversation went something like this. Oh and it's partially visual, so you'll have to put on your Imagination Cap!

Ashlee: Mexi's hungry, what's for lunch?

Me: I don't know, but Mama's hungry!

Ashlee: Don't you have any Michelina's in the freezer? Cuz then you can "let Mama feed you"

Me: Yeah, but that doesn't sound good. I want some Taco Bell or McDonald's.

Ashlee: What?!?! You want to fuck some shit up in a suit??

Me: WHAT?!?! What are you talking about? I said I want some Taco Bell or McDonald's.

Ashlee: OOOOOH. I thought you said you wanted to fuck some shit up in a suit...

Me: *giggle* Dude, can you imagine walking into the Des Moines Goodwill, arms raised, throwing the gang sign yelling "I'm here to fuck yo shit up!"

Ashlee: *walking around office, arms raised throwing gang signs* Yeah bitches, we gonna fuck yo shit up.....while wearing my pimp suit! Then when I'm done fucking their shit up, I'll stop at the door, turn around and say "have a nice day. You just got yo shit fucked up".

Me: *LMFAO* No, no, dude wait. I would totally walk in there with my arms in the air and proudly annouce, "YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET YOUR SHIT FUCKED UP" then I would run down the aisles with my arms out like an airplane *running around the office like an airplane* and yell "ANARCHY, ANARCHY!! I'M FUCKING YOUR SHIT UP" Course I would totally be wearing my best pimp suit while doing it!

Ashlee: Totally and they would totally deserve it. Cuz we're gansta and we're just keeping it real. Cuz they don't know me. Hear that Goodwill, YOU.DON'T.KNOW.ME. *throws gang signs with arms raised* Oh Des Moines Goodwill, you don't even know what's coming for you.

And end scene. *bows* Okay, so you may not find it funny, but how the hell we got from lunch at Taco Bell to fucking shiz up at the local Goodwill in a Pimp Suit....guess you'd just have to work here to understand. And don't judge. You don't know us!!! *raises arms, throws gang signs*

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Say "man-pris" and you get pistol whipped

No secret, I hate man-pris. I think they are the "gayest" thing, since, well....Coldplay and macrame jean shorts! Apparently NOT everyone knows about my hatred and the support group that I have had to join because of it. Steve actually had the nerve to ask me if he could buy some:

Steve: What do you think about man-pris?

Me: I don't!

Steve: So no man-pris, huh?

Me: Negative Ghost Rider. You are not clear for man-pris. Please return to base. IMMEDIATELY!

Steve: Even while mountain biking?

Me: Roger that, Shippy.

Steve: Awwww. So I should probably cancel my order then, huh?

Me: Yeah. However, I've been trained to say that "We have a don't ask, don't tell policy around here"

Steve: But you're not supposed to expose your knees below 60 degrees..... (blah, blah, blah, I stopped listening at this point)

Me: I'm sorry Sir, this is a secured line, I'm gonna have to ask you to stop communicating on it.

Sadly, I know that the next time we go mountain biking, he's going to show up in man-pris (probably listening to Coldplay and driving a truck with a bumper sticker that says "I like balls on my chin"). I'm a slave to fashion just as much as the next person, but when I'm out mountain biking, getting dirty (yes, I head for EVERY mud hole) and sweaty, that's the point where I just say "fuck it" my knees are already screwed up from years of soccer and cheer-leading. I say bring on the cold weather Mother Nature. BRING.IT.ON!!! *shakes fist in air* (however I will take pix so we can all laugh as Steve awaits the Great Flood. You go Moses, you go!)

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

One of these days, Alice. ZOOM!!! Right to the moon!

As promised in a prior post, I said that I would tell you about my "fight" in the parking lot! I swear, I felt like the Warriors vs. the Riffs. Anyhow, it happened on my own home turf....literally, well not my grass, cuz well, I live in an apartment and I don't have any grass...nor do I have a lawn! =) I guess I should say that it happened on my own home asphalt.

About 2 Fridays ago, I picked P-man up like normal. We stopped for donuts...why, cuz I spoil the crap out of my son. Sue me. I just feel bad for his future girlfriends and wife. LAWL. Anyways, I saw that we were running pretty close to 6pm which is when the witch comes out of her dark hole and drops the kids off at Steven's. So I decided to run a few errands. I DID NOT want to run into the cunt in the parking lot. You can see where this is going, can't you? Yup, so in all of my diligence, the cunt was late and I was late and well....we ran into each other in the parking lot.

Okay, let me back up a second. So driving in the complex, we ran into some of Preston's friends and they wanted him to go to the park with them. No prob, I thought I would just drive over and drop P off at the park. Well I get out of the car to let P out and we're talking to his little friends when this butt ass ugly Witch Mobile (green minivan) stops next to us. I look up and its none other than the c*nt!!! So being the very classy person that she is, she starts yelling and swearing at me in front of a 4 year old, a 7 year old and an 8 year old. My Goddess!! I may use foul language, but she would make a long shore-man, who spent 40 years in the Navy and drove Big Rigs blush!!! db even went as far as to speak DIRECTLY to Preston (and his friends) and tell him that his mother was a home wrecking bitch. W.T.F?!?!? Of course he started to cry. And that's when I went ALL ghetto-white-girl-crazy on her fat @$$. I told her to get the F*&^ out of the car and fight like an adult, she didn't...of course. What did she do? She called her 12(?) year old son. REAL MATURE douche bag!!! Oh and then she called Steve to tell him that I started it. W.T.F?!? Are you serious?!? I did get some good digs in though. I told her that she was a stupid bitch, that she needed to learn how to wear her hair and make-up, to get a J-O-B, to learn how to dress and that she needed to lose some weight and grow some boobs. WHAT?!?!? I can't help it that God gave me a 2nd helping in the breast line!!! Oh and that her breath stunk SO bad that I could smell her coming a mile away!!! *giggle* *hangs head in shame* Sorry, but I know that she is a VERY self-conscience person, so I attacked her weak point.

I know, I should've been the bigger person. The more mature person. But you know what? Once she personally attacked my son, the gloves were off!! I SO wish she would've gotten out of that mini-van. I would've tore her @$$ up! But of course, she will ONLY say something to me when the kids are around or when Steve is around and she knows that he will step in. Really if we EVER (God willing) ran into each other alone, she would look down at the floor and keep walking in her mousey way. Seriously, you should see her walk. Its like Quasimodo! I wonder who's ringing the bell at Notre Dame when she's gone!

So, I have to know what do you think?!?! Was I wrong to start yelling back at her and tell her to get out of the car?!? What would you have done??

Week 4 & the week I STOP picking the Steelers!

Its that time of the week again. Nope NOT when I get into a fight in the parking lot with the Douche Bag, but football picks time. Say, did I tell you about our "fight" in the parking lot? NO?!? Well my bad...but this post is about my football pix. I'll have to tell you about our fight next time! So last week, I regained my top prognosticator position! About time! I picked 12 of the 16. I mean WHO knew that the Lions would win?!? I guess they were due. But without further ado my picks for Week 4!

  • Giants vs. Chiefs

  • Bucs vs. Redskins

  • Titans vs. Jags

  • SeaHawks vs. Indy

  • Raiders vs. Texans

  • Bengals vs. Browns

  • Lions vs. Bears (OH MY)

  • Ravens vs. Pats (okay this was a TOUGH pick for me!)

  • Bills vs. Dolphins

  • J-E-T-S vs. Saints (again another TOUGH pick!)

  • Cowboys vs. Saints

  • Chargers vs. Steelers (that's right, eff you Shitsburgh!)

  • Rams vs. 49ers

  • Packers vs. Vikings

IDK. This week was a really tough week for me to pick. There were SEVERAL match-ups where I would want both teams to win, but since that doesn't happen, I went with the best home/away record and even sometimes that was even, so then since I'm such a girlie girl I went with which uniform colors I liked best! I know, I'm lame! Bring on Sunday and the pigskin!!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

It can ONLY get better!!

Week 3 is upon us. Ashlee and I did our picks at work today. I get SO excited when the new pick sheets come out!! I'm really hoping that I can redeem myself from my dismal showing last week. I only picked 7 right. Oh well, I beat Ashlee, she only got 6 right! Without further ado...

  • Falcons vs. Pats (Pats)

  • Titans vs. J-E-T-S (J-E-T-S)

  • Giants vs. Bucs (Giants)

  • Packers vs. Rams (Packers)

  • Browns vs. Ravens (Ravens)

  • Redskins vs. Lions (Lions) Okay, honestly, WHO saw THAT coming?

  • Jags vs. Texans (Jags)

  • 49ers vs. Vikings (Vikings)

  • Chiefs vs. Eagles (what up Twins!!) (Eagles)

  • Saints vs. Bills (Saints)

  • (da) Bears vs. SeaHawks (I know, I know I went against the hawks at home!!) (DA Bears)

  • Steelers vs. Bengals (Bengals)

  • Dolphins vs. Chargers (Chargers)

  • Broncos vs. Raiders (Broncos)

  • Colts vs. Cardinals (Colts)

  • Panthers vs. Cowboys (Cowboys)

YES I KNOW!!! I went against the Hawks at home AND the Raiders at home. AND I picked the Steelers. I'm sure H3ll is beginning to freeze over as we speak. ARGH!! Perhaps it's Steven who is brain washing me with all of his black and gold (its really yellow) stuff!!! Oh well, can't wait for Sunday to see how I do this week!!

So let me know. Do you agree or disagree with my picks? How are you doing so far this season?

The week were both the Steelers and SeaHawks fuck me!

Here we are at week 2 of the season. I did pretty good last week. Seems like the 1st week was a pretty big no-brainer. The teams that you knew were going to win, won. But will week 2 shape up? Again my picks are in purple.

  • Pats vs. J-E-T-S (Jets win)

  • Saints vs. Eagles (Saints win)

  • Rams vs. Redskins (Skins win)

  • Cards vs. Jags (Cards win)

  • Panthers vs. Falcons (Falcons win)

  • Vikings vs. Lions (Vikings win)

  • Bengals vs. Packers (Bengals win)

  • Texans vs. Titans (Texans win)

  • Raiders vs. Chiefs (Raiders win)

  • Tampa Bay Bucs vs. Bills (Bills win)

  • Seahawks vs. 49ers (49ers win)

  • Ravens vs. Chargers (Ravens win)

  • Steelers vs. (da) Bears (Bears win)

  • Browns vs. Broncos (Broncos win)

  • Giants vs. Cowboys (Giants win)

  • Colts vs. Dolphins (Colts win)

Well, I got pretty much screwed over last Sunday!! Thank Goddess, I wasn't putting money down on my picks. ARGH!!! It was a frustrating week. See if I ever pick the Steelers again!! A-holes!! I give you a little bit of faith and you screw me over! I'm NOT!! See y'all in Week 3.

We MUST protect this House!

As you all know football season is here!! Can I get a Woot Woot?!?! Seriously, its the ONLY thing to pretty much keep me from slashing my wrists during the Fall. And after that comes hockey season. Thank God for sports!!! Anywho, I thought I would post my picks each week. That way you can see either how good...or how bad I did. And incase you are wondering, YES, the smack talk between me and Steve has already begun....actually it started during pre-season! LOL

So, I know that we are already approaching Week 3, but I thought I would go back (and honestly) post my picks and the winners. I think some of you might be surprised with some of my picks. My picks will be in Purple! =D

  • Tennessee Titans vs. Pittsburgh Steelers (Steelers win)

  • Miami Dolphins vs. Altlanta Falcons (Falcons win)

  • KC Chiefs vs. Baltimore Ravens (Ravens win)

  • Philly Eagles (shout out to the TT!!!) vs. Carolina Panthers (Eagles win)

  • Minnesota Vikings vs. Cleveland Browns (Vikings win)

  • Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Indy Colts (Indy wins)

  • Dallas Cowboys vs. Tampa Bay Bucs (Cowboys win)

  • Detroit Lions vs. N.O Saints (Saints win)

  • New York Jets vs. Houston Texans (J-e-t-s win)

  • Denver Broncos vs. Cini Bengals (Broncos win)

  • SF 49ers vs. Arizona Cardinals (49ers win)

  • St. Louis Rams vs. Seattle Seahawks (Hawks win)

  • Chicago (da) Bears vs. Green Bay Packers (Packers win)

  • Buffalo Bills vs. NE Pats (Pats win)

  • San Diego Chargers vs. Oakland Raiders (Chargers win)

As you can see, I didn't do half bad for week one. I picked 13 winners!!! (DAMN RAIDERS!!) And yes, you read right, I picked the Steelers. Hey they may not be my fav team, but I'm not a dummy either. This is a competition and I'm gonna win!!! As they say on any given Sunday, there is a loser and a winner. See you next Sunday!!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Are you in OR are you out?!?!

Its no secret to those of you that follow me on Twitter or are my "friends" on facebook that I'm plannng an 80's party for Steven's ____th (rhymes with Sporty) Birthday. In preparation for the party, I managed to use my Super-Spy Secret Squirrel training and retrieved a copy of the coveted Senior Year YearBook from 1987.....ok, so he gave it to me! And might I just add, Sucka!!! Needless to say, it gave Ashlee and myself quite a few laughs...which is why my year books are safely hidden and packed away!!! Anywho, in the process of making fun of people...err, I mean doing reseach, we can across a totally awesome "In and Out" list from 1987. So let's see, according to Lakes High School 1987, are you In or are you Out??


  • Big and Baggy Shirts
  • Black or Dark Clothes (Ahhh the start of the emo era)
  • California (Can I get a Woot Woot!!)
  • Compact Discs
  • College Sweatshirts
  • Colored Hair Gel (ahh the start of the poser era. just use real dye for Pete sake!)
  • Computers
  • David Letterman
  • Diet Coke
  • Flame-broiled Burgers (Whoppers are tasty!!)
  • Gucci
  • Gubby and Pokey (Ahh-huh huh, they said Pokey!!)
  • Having your own car & license (Honestly, was there a time that this was "out"?!?!)
  • Health Food
  • Keds (hmm, I'm picturing Keds and a Gucci purse...Stylin!)
  • Laser Tag
  • McDonald's
  • New York Seltzer (Honestly this was the shyt!! Awesome flavors and wicked burps!)
  • Parties
  • Pastels (Nothing says I'm hip like guys wearing a pastel pink Polo Shirt)
  • Portable Radios (I'm totally picturing John Cusack ala "Say Anything")
  • Rapping
  • Retainers
  • Scooters
  • Seahawks
  • Seniors (I'm guessing they don't mean old people)
  • Skateboarding
  • Stonewashed Jeans (perferably skin tight...yummy! NOT!)
  • Stress (okay, are you friggin kidding me? Stress?!?! Since when is it cool to be stressed)
  • Sweatpants (Oh yeah, another HOT fashion look! *note the sarcasm*)
  • Turtlenecks (please there is only ONE reason to wear a turtle neck!!!)
  • Walkmans
  • Yo-Yos (Okay, who the h3ll surveyed that kid?!?!)


  • Abbreviating Words ie. Luv, wuz, frenz (okay hold up, how is wuz the abbreviation for was? Its still 3 letters long?!?!)
  • Bleached Hair
  • Braces (oh yeah, cuz having braces USED to be SOOO totally cool!!)
  • Burger King (*tires screeching* Ummm, I thought that flame-broiled burgers are in. Where else do you get flame-broiled burgers?!?!)
  • Commitment (Can I get a Woot Woot for free-love!!)
  • Communism
  • Discos (pretty sure that went out with the Bee Gees in the EARLY 80's. just saying)
  • Dr Ruth
  • Dungeons and Dragons (I think someone forgot to tell an entire generation of geeks!)
  • Hair Clips
  • Hairspray (Ummm, ever seen the hair in the 80's?? it was ALL about the hairspray!)
  • K-mart
  • Leg Warmers
  • Madonna Wanna-be's
  • MTV
  • Narcs (yes, because telling on your friends USED to be SOO cool!)
  • New Coke
  • "On Board" Signs
  • Overdone Makeup
  • Parachute Pants (and so is M.C. Hammers career!)
  • Pastels (*tires screech* Ummm...wasn't Pastels on our IN list?!?! Did they just survey the kids that ride the little yellow school bus?!?!)
  • Peace Signs
  • Rambo
  • Rocky (That's right, Lakes High single handedly ended Stallione's career!)
  • Smurfs (WTF?!?! Oh h3ll no! the Smurfs will always ROCK!)
  • Spike High Heels (obviously, I NEVER got that memo. Have you seen my shoes?!?)
  • Stirrup Pants (Don't worry, Ashlee and I are bringing them back!!)
  • Tight clothes (oh yeah guys, cuz nothing and I do mean NOTHING makes a girl swoon like seeing your dirty ass boxer while you are constantly pulling up your size 4X jeans!)
  • V-neck Sweaters (but, what will I wear over my turtleneck that's SO in??)

NOT that any of you asked, but there you have it. The IN'S and OUT'S of 1987 according to the fashion forward kids at Lakes High School! *mumbles to self* (Seriously, no stirrup-pants or Smufs?!?! WTF people. W.T.F?!?)

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I'm braking the habit tonight!!!

The "experts" (whoever they are) say that it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. Well, starting tonight,I'm going to break my habit. It started innocently enough as most habits do. A glass of wine after work. Which then led to a glass of wine after work and one with dinner. Which then led to a glass of wine after work, one with dinner and one after that. Before I knew it, I was downing a bottle a night. Now don't get me wrong, I wouldn't call myself an's not like I NEED the wine to get me through the day, but still, more often than not, I find myself gravitating to the bottle. I would HATE to figure up how much I have spent on wine in the last 6 months of living on my own....and maybe that's just it...maybe I drink out of boredom like some people eat out of boredom. Anyhow, whatever the reason, it stops tonight.

The sad thing is....I just don't know how to do it. Cold turkey, join a support group, go exercise. (Damn if that's the answer, I'll NEVER get out of the gym.) Its become a habit for me. I stop at my fav place on the way home, pickup a bottle and enjoy my evening, but the bottle has started to fuck with me. I've been having insomnia like NO other. Sure I fall asleep (aka pass out) just fine, but I wake up at 3am with a splitting headache then I'm up until 7 and just when I'm starting to go back to sleep, that damn alarm goes off!! Its fucking with my personal AND maybe more importantly, professional life. I can barely keep my eyes open at work. So tonight it ends!

IDK what it is, genetics, the thought of independence, rebellion, sneaking it from whomever, IDK, but it ends tonight! Sadly the "fruit of the Gods" has really done nothing more than wrecked havoc on my life. I have fought with my Love, giving up hobbies, ignored friends, etc...all I can think about is grabbin another glass of wine. Red, White, Rose it doesn't matter, I LOVE them all. But tonight it ends.

Not to mention that I have put on about 10 pounds in the last year from drinking alone. I know it won't be easy...the right thing NEVER is, but I'm I'm sure, it'll be worth it. I LOVE my size 8 pants, which might sound big to some of you, but the last time I was a size 8 was when I was getting married 8 years ago (I have wide hips, which became wider after having a baby, so sue me!). I was in peak form then. Working out 5 days/week, eating right, not really drinking except MAYBE on the weekends.

The easiest time for me to quit drinking was when I was pregnant with P-man. A friend once told me to just pretend that I was pregnant, that would help. The downside was that my brain knew I wasn't and so I would crave the "sauce". IDK who to blame it's so much easier that way, don't you think? Perhaps, my alcoholic Grandparents on both sides? I mean, some of my fondest memories are of family parties where the adults are playing poker and Uncle Kermit gets so drunk that he falls down, skins his knee and then ends up in the pool. Or is it my Irish heritage or my Indian heritage for that matter? My loneliness? Perhaps even something deeper...maybe I'm just not happy with myself and the way things are. (WOW, that's deep). But whatever the reason, it ends tonight.

See here's where things start to suck. On Saturday Steven and I are going to see Wicked. It would be nice to have some wine at dinner or at intermission. I'm throwing Steven's birthday party on October 10th, again would be nice to have a drink. We are going away on a secret vacation the 23rd of October, would be nice to drink. Is it an illusion to think that I can have a few drinks on those "special" nights then nothing during the week? And of course, football season starts this Thursday. For me football=beer. W.T.F is wrong with me?!? (Starting to sound like an alcoholic yet?) If it doesn't revolve around food or booze then I want NO part of it. Perhaps it would be better if I were preggo, then I would have a valid excuse to not drink. Perhaps its that I've ALWAYS been known as the "party girl" if I lose that identity, then what do I have!?!? Will I still be fun to be around?!? IDK, honestly, I hate crowds. Alcohol makes me lose my inhibitions....WOW that sounds like something you would hear in AA!! I like to think that generally, I'm a "people person" but, IDK, I get REALLY shy around new people and alcohol makes me to go talk to them.

I don't care, whatever the reason(s) it stops tonight. In the words of Linkin Park "I don't know what's worth fighting for Or why I have to scream, I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean. I don't know how I got this way, I know it's not alright, So I'm breaking the habit TONIGHT"

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I Do!

Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary. I say would have been, because as of March 20th of 2009, I have been divorced. Its sad for me. However, on one hand, I LOVE where my life is going. On the other hand, I miss what would have been. I miss being a wife. In fact, I LOVED being a wife. I miss being a Mrs. I remember EVERY aspect of today. Just ask 4am, I know what I was doing. At 8am, I know where I was. At 3 pm, I know what I was decorating and at 5 pm, I know what I was drinking.

I remember waking up that Saturday morning hearing the saddest news of my dearest friends had died of "AIDS" and another one of my long time neighbors ( who was there when my Mom was born) had died as well....perhaps that was an omen. But still the day went on. I waited anxiously for my BFF, Kim to bring me my Happy Meal while I perfected my make up for the 5th time. I was bound to get it right. I wanted this day to be WAS GOING TO BE PERFECT!! My Maid of Honor and most dearest friends, Patty was up from California...she brought the tequila...she knows what I like and knows what calms my nerves....ever aspect of that day, I remember. I remember my Mom walking back into the Bride's room after seeing Todd in his tux for the first time and crying, Mom was in charge of the boutonnieres. I thought "OMG, he changed his mind"....funny now to think that I'm the one that changed her mind. I remember my brother, John, dressed in his tux riding his skateboard around the grounds while we were trying to take our picture. I remember arguing with my bride's maids about who was going to hold my dress up because I had to go to the bathroom. I remember almost being late to the alter because Patty kept offering us "one last" shot of tequila, and my friend Dawn being the "party pooper" because she wouldn't partake in the tradition. I remember the smell of the ocean air, the way the sun shown, the way my flowers from Pike's Place Market smelt. I remember thinking "I should have asked my Dad to walk me down the aisle" Although my Brother was the one to stand by my side just has he had always done when we were kids. I remember all of this and much more. I remember starting the ceremony, facing each other just as a ski boat with twin-jet engines roared up and then cut off the engines to watch, thinking "OMG, he's going to ruin the ceremony". I remember not getting a piece of my wedding cake (beside what was shoved up my nose) because I was too busy dancing with my friends and out of town guests....I remember the bouquet toss (Tonya caught it) and the garter toss (my Brother caught it...yeah that's just weird). I remember the new 2001 Black Dodge Dakota being decorated by my Brother, my Uncle and our other friends. I remember all of this and more.

I wonder though, as the years go by and the memories fade, what will I remember? Will I forget any of it? Will I forget how nervous I was saying my vows? Will I forget the people that where there? The friends that flew in that day and flew out that night? The way that my Star Gazer Lilies from Pike's Place Market smelled? Will I forever remember how nervous I was with the expectation that came along with the wedding ring, to now and forever be Mrs. Russell?

Honestly, I hope I don't forget any of it. Yes, times change, people change. I am no longer Mrs. Russell, but rather Ms. Russell. However, it was the second best day of my life (aside from Preston being born), so far and I wouldn't change any of it. And with that tonight, I shall eat my cake, drink my wine and say Happy Anniversary to Me!

You want me to put my mouth where?!?!

I'm not sure how many of you are aware of this, but on Labor Day (Monday) writer, director and actor extraordinaire, Kevin Smith (Silent Bob from Clerks) hosted a 24 hour Tweet-a-thon. Basically you could tweet Kevin and if you were one of the lucky ones (of which Steve and I were NOT...that fat bastard, see if I EVER watch Jersey Girl or Clerks again!!) he would answer your question.

BTW~let me interject here and just say that I.AM.TOTALLY.FUCKING.STOKED.BEYOND.BELIEF.THAT.STEVE.AND.I.ARE.GOING.TO.SEE.HIM.IN.OCTOBER! Not that I'm bragging or anything. *neener, neener, we have tickets and you don't*

Anyhow. 1 question he was asked made me think. I'm paraphrasing, but the question went something like this "have you ever received a bad blow job" Again paraphrasing, but Kevin's answer went something like this: "there's no such thing as a bad blow job."

I just had to stop and politely disagree with Sir Kevin Smtih, right there! Obviously I don't get, have never and WILL never be on the RECEIVING end of a BJ, but I have had a couple of people dine at the "Y". And let's just say that not ALL of them have been the best of customers. Some patrons have been sloppy, rude or don't even finish! (and what's with this back and forth head thing like all he is doing is shaking his head "NO"?? REALLY?!?! Like that's gonna get me off) Do you know how hard it is to fake an "O" while someone is giving you oral?!? You try it. Go on, I dare you! It's virtually impossible!!! And it pun intended. While he was grubbing down his "meal", I was going over my finite calculus-trig homework that was assigned less than 2 hours ago!!! (and if I didn't have to 'show" my work, I'd be rocking that shyt). I mean, I was trying to figure out how Superman managed to rotate the Earth the other way without causing mass destruction. I was tyring to figure out who the shooter on the grassy knoll was. Hell! I was even trying to figure out what I was going to wear the next day with my knee high combat boots & stripped tights....skirt or shorts?!?!

Listen, I'm a NOT "professional" by ANY means, but I do, sort of, pride myself on my ability to "give" (if you know what I mean). Now, I haven't had any formal training, I haven't read any books nor have I gone to any classes (although how friggin cool would that be?!?!) but you sorta learn along the way. I mean you pick this shyt up in the locker room or in the hall between classes from your BFF's older sister or what not. All us females know Rule #1, first and foremost...NO TEETH!! From there I have learned that it's a matter of personal preference from the receiver.

Anyhow, the whole question and answer, in and of it's self, got me to wonder..."is there such a thing as bad oral sex?!?!"

So I want to hear from you, my loyal reader of 1...okay maybe 2, is there such a thing as bad oral sex? Have you EVER received bad oral? Have you EVER given bad oral sex? OR is bad oral sex an urban legend much like the giant alligators that live in the sewers of NY?

Friday, August 28, 2009

Happy Birthday to you??

My Ex's birthday was a couple of weeks ago. (This isn't a belated Birthday post, though.) Although since this is the first year being divorced (and the first year that his Mother isn't here to spend it with him) and having to celebrate his birthday it really got me thinking. Now what?!? In the years past, I ALWAYS made a big deal out of his birthday...well really anyone's birthday, but now what? In years past, I have gotten up at the butt crack of dawn to put "Happy Birthday" post it notes all over the house, make breakfast in bed, pamper him all day, throw themed parties, bought cakes, hell even....well you don't want to hear about that, but now what do I do? After 12 years the date is ingrained in my brain so I knew I wouldn't forget, not to mention P should do something for his Dad, right? That's what led me to question, now what do I do? What should an ex-wife do? What should a responsible parent do?

Should I FORCE P to buy him a gift? Should I leave it up to P whether he wants to buy Daddy a gift or not? I mean its not like P is old enough to be able to afford to buy a gift on his own, which means that I'm having to spend money on the Ex...and for that matter, should I get the Ex a card...or even a gift?!?!

I PRIDE myself on being a good Mother, a responsible parent and an excellent role model for my child. As in years past, I made a big deal out of the Ex's birthday....not HUGE or extravagant by ANY means, but a celebration. A celebration for the day that my Ex was brought into the World.

I started asking P weeks in advance what he would like to get Daddy for his birthday...I even let P pick out the present himself (it was an underwater Batman sub...I wonder WHO is REALLY getting to play with that). P also picked out the card himself...after I talked P out of getting the one with the half-naked girl, he decided on a talking South Park Card. And yes, even I got the Ex a gift. What can I say? After 12 years and a ton of shyt, I still consider him my friend. Of course the card was more humorous and less lovey-dovey than years past, but experience has shown that guys could give a rat's patooty about cards. And finally, we did go out to dinner. It wasn't home made with a sexy apron, thong and high heels on, but a nice dinner at a nice restaurant. We shared a bottle of wine and some laughs. It was nice, casual....friendly.

So I have to wonder, am I wrong? Did I over step some sort of "ex-wife" boundary? Or was I right in my choices? Shouldn't it be the responsibility of the Non-Birthday parent to help the kid(s) choose a gift for the Birthday Mom or Dad? Or does it depend on if the parents are getting along? Should the parent's personal feelings really get in the way of teaching a child how to treat someone with love and respect...especially on their Birthday???

What do you all think???

Thursday, August 27, 2009

What's Grosser Than Gross???

One night when I was still living in California and just starting to date the now Ex-husband, we decided to go to the movies. I can't really remember what we saw now, but I'm sure it was something riveting like ShowGirls or Broken Arrow. *sigh* Oh the classics of the early 90's!!! Anyhow we get our treats (popcorn and soda) find out seats and settle in. A little way through the movie I reach over, not taking my eyes of that giant 40' screen, for fear that I might miss the best part of the movie or that critical piece of information for the plot (neither movie had any of those!!!) and reach over for the soda. I take a big size gulp to wash down my very buttery popcorn when all of the sudden, I swallowed a big huge mouthful of.....warm wintergreen-flavored chew spit, complete with pieces of chew!!! YES. WARM.CHEW.SPIT. I, of course, immediately start to gag (I'm sure I actually turned a shade of wintergreen) and spit it out on the floor when the ass turns to me and in a very hushed "movie theatre" like voice says "oh you probably don't want to drink that, I've been spitting my chew in it." Really!?!? You think!!! Here's an idea, why not tell me first?? Why not move the cup to the other side where its NOT sitting in between us??? Why not get a separate cup for spitting?!?! ARGH! MEN!!!

Lessoned learn. I now buy a seperate soda.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Is he that new actor?

As we do every Monday, Ashlee and I were catching up on the weekend events. Normally its the run of the mill stuff and not very blog worthy. However, this was too damn funny to keep to ourselves.

Ashlee: So what did you do this weekend?

Me: Well on Saturday Steve and I took the kids to Best Buy to replace some of the movies that had been stolen.

Ashlee: Who?

Me: Steve.

Ashlee: No Ben...


Ashlee: I know what Best Buy is, duh. I mean, what movie are you looking for? Which one with Ben Stolen in it?

Me: *crickets* *deer caught in head lights* WHAT are you talking about?!?!

Ashlee: You know, the actor, Ben Stolen.

Me: NO. We. went. to. Best. Buy. to. replace. the. movies. that. had. been. stolen.

Ashlee: Oooooh. I thought you were looking for a movie with Ben Stolen in it.

Me: *ROFL* *Hyperventilating* I THINK you mean Ben Stiller.

Ashlee: Oh yeah, that's it. So which of his movies did you get?

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Calling All Single Ladies!!

Okay, not really, back off bitches, he's ALL mine!! *drum roll* Steve is divorced!!! I've waited over a year for this. Yeah, yeah, whatever, I'm a home wrecking hussy, who didn't know that already?!? Anyhow, my Steven, is FINALLY divorced and free from the CF (cunt faced) DB (douche bag) Psycho!! And to celebrate, I took him out to dinner. Just dinner you ask?!?! Then you don't know me very well and just what kind of girlfriend do you think I am anyways?!? The best kind!! We had Jager shots AND beer! Oh yeah and a shopping trip *evil smile* But I digress. I'm so fucking happy that its done and over with and he's now mine...all mine. (WOW that sounds psycho, doesn't it?!?!) Seriously though I've had a smile on my face ALL week.

Really, I'm not a total heartless bitch though, dispite what the Douche Bag says, I do feel bad. I feel bad for the kids. They have to continue to live with the CF DB! But he's working on that. Until then, we will enjoy "family" life every other weekend with our kids! We will continue to show them that two people can have an open and loving relationship and not scream and fight with each other every day over stupid shyt like who took out the garbage last (although, I'm sure one day we will. Then we'll make up and have amazing "makeup" sex). Oh and speaking of sex....there's nothing like having sex with a newly single, piece of hot ass!!! You know what I'm taking about. *cue 70's porn music* Anyhow without further ado, I introduce my newly single (on paper only) Steve!! *drum roll*

Now to start planning our divorce parties!!!! Who wants to buy me a shot?!?!?

Alessander's signature move. Learn it, live it, love it!

Ashlee was telling me that in her next life, she would like to come back as a man named Alessander. Alessander would be a smooth talking, smooth operating, ladies man. Of course, Alessander would practice safe sex. He would only sleep with virgins, perform a do-it-yourself home STD test or slip them the Plan B in their wine. Alessander is not about to be any one's "baby's Daddy." To make extra sure that this doesn't happen, Alessander has a signature move, you should learn it and practice safe sex too.

Step 1: only approached virgins when in da club. They will be easily recognizable as the quiet ones among their gaggle of friends. Also, they will have no rhythm when out on the dance floor and will most likely be the ones sitting alone in a booth, sipping their umbrella drinks with a HUGE slice of pineapple on the side.

Step 2: take her back to your house...I should probably mention here that Alessander lives at home with his mom. Once at said home, quickly kick your mom out of your room which happens to also be the basement. Light some candles and pour some red wine....classy!

Step 3: when she's bending over for that glass of wine laced with the Plan B pill, quickly stick your junk in her butt (see diagram 1). She's a dirty girl after all....she just doesn't know it yet! And don't forget to ask her how she likes that? Alessander is always the gentleman. This step will insure that you won't get any nasty know, just in case your at home STD testing kit is on the fritz.

Step 4: when you're about to reach the BIG "O", quickly pull out of her butt. (see diagram 2)You want to make sure that some of your swimmers don't accidentally find their way to the promise land. Further insuring that she doesn't come a knockin 9 months later with a 18 year financial burden. No one wants to go on Maury to have a DNA test. Once you have pulled out, hit her on the head with your junk a couple of times. Show her the goods. This is also a good time to make sure that she hasn't fallen asleep on you. No one likes sex with a dead fish.

Step 5: Then when you are ready, just let it go all over her face (see diagram 3). She will appreciate that you have kept her virginity intact and at the same time, given her face that nice healthy glow that you can only get from an expensive facial at an European spa. Remember, always the gentleman. Notice that big smile on her face!?!? Oh yeah, she'll be coming back for more. And the best thing, you won't have to worry about your condom breaking and having to go into the witness protection program when the crazy stalker bitch is looking for child support!

I would have to say that Ashlee's...err, I mean Alessander's signature move is pretty flawless, don't you? It shows that he not only cares about the lady and her reputation, but is doing something about population control at the same time. A real gentleman and a humanitarian!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Motor boatin' stick figures

A couple of weeks ago, Steve emailed me and asked me if I could send him over a "test" fax. Apparently their fax was not able to receive in coming faxes and Steve was the one in charge of fixing it. Sure, I was more than happy to help my handsome BF out. Initially, I was just going to send a fax that said "test" or something equally lame and totally SFW, but then he made the mistake of sending me another email telling me to be careful of what I sent since it was a shared work space. Well that's all it took to ignite my little fire!!! So, my creative juices started flowing trying to come up with a clever "test" fax. Think...think...think...a ha!! And this is what was sent over:

Funny enough, he hasn't asked me to send him anymore "test" faxes. I'm assuming that he got it fixed...I mean surely it wasn't my drawing! LOL

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Here's Mexi!!!

Ashlee won't have her ultrasound for another couple of weeks, but we are already pretty sure we know what sex the baby is and what it will look like. Introducing *drum roll* Mexi-Nugget!!!

For those of you not quite up on your ultrasound viewing skills, allow me to point out some of the features.

  • Note the "Angry Baby" eyebrows, carefully drawn on with black eyeliner. For that "what the eff you looking at Essa?"
  • Note the lips carefully outlined with this black eyeliner pencil while still keeping her lips there natural color. This gives Mexi that "come hither" look that every baby needs in the nursery.
  • NO those aren't floaties. Those are gold bangles that Mexi acquired on Ebay...yes while still in Ashlee's uterus. Every feisty Latina needs her gold bangles, it says "oh naa-ah, I don't need a Baby's Daddy. I can provide just fine for myself." (complete with neck swivel)
  • Last but not least, you'll notice that green thing around the crotchal region. No Mexi does not have the clap, the herp or the hiv. That is her diaper made out of the finest hemp she could find. (WHAT?!?! You try finding hemp on line while you're still in utero). Well where else to you expect her to put her rusty shank?

Of course Mexi isn't just a fashionista, she's also a linguista. Here are some things you might over hear her say:

  • Hola Bitches (when she first comes out)
  • Ey Papi. Smack dat ass (when the doctor spanks her for the first time)
  • Yo Brandon, change my shit (when she has a dirty diaper)
  • Yo quiero taco bell, Bitches
  • And a little for my homeys (as she nurses for the first time, and squirts a little on the floor)

Welcome Mexi. Can't wait to actually meet you!