Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Alessander's signature move. Learn it, live it, love it!

Ashlee was telling me that in her next life, she would like to come back as a man named Alessander. Alessander would be a smooth talking, smooth operating, ladies man. Of course, Alessander would practice safe sex. He would only sleep with virgins, perform a do-it-yourself home STD test or slip them the Plan B in their wine. Alessander is not about to be any one's "baby's Daddy." To make extra sure that this doesn't happen, Alessander has a signature move, you should learn it and practice safe sex too.

Step 1: only approached virgins when in da club. They will be easily recognizable as the quiet ones among their gaggle of friends. Also, they will have no rhythm when out on the dance floor and will most likely be the ones sitting alone in a booth, sipping their umbrella drinks with a HUGE slice of pineapple on the side.

Step 2: take her back to your house...I should probably mention here that Alessander lives at home with his mom. Once at said home, quickly kick your mom out of your room which happens to also be the basement. Light some candles and pour some red wine....classy!

Step 3: when she's bending over for that glass of wine laced with the Plan B pill, quickly stick your junk in her butt (see diagram 1). She's a dirty girl after all....she just doesn't know it yet! And don't forget to ask her how she likes that? Alessander is always the gentleman. This step will insure that you won't get any nasty know, just in case your at home STD testing kit is on the fritz.

Step 4: when you're about to reach the BIG "O", quickly pull out of her butt. (see diagram 2)You want to make sure that some of your swimmers don't accidentally find their way to the promise land. Further insuring that she doesn't come a knockin 9 months later with a 18 year financial burden. No one wants to go on Maury to have a DNA test. Once you have pulled out, hit her on the head with your junk a couple of times. Show her the goods. This is also a good time to make sure that she hasn't fallen asleep on you. No one likes sex with a dead fish.

Step 5: Then when you are ready, just let it go all over her face (see diagram 3). She will appreciate that you have kept her virginity intact and at the same time, given her face that nice healthy glow that you can only get from an expensive facial at an European spa. Remember, always the gentleman. Notice that big smile on her face!?!? Oh yeah, she'll be coming back for more. And the best thing, you won't have to worry about your condom breaking and having to go into the witness protection program when the crazy stalker bitch is looking for child support!

I would have to say that Ashlee's...err, I mean Alessander's signature move is pretty flawless, don't you? It shows that he not only cares about the lady and her reputation, but is doing something about population control at the same time. A real gentleman and a humanitarian!

1 comment:

Organic Meatbag said...

Awesome! I am printing out these instructions and posting them over our bed...I'm putting this plan into action tonight, baybeeeee! Hahahaha!