Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
For those of you who don't know or didn't watch, the laminated list grew in pop culture thanks to "Friends" . This is a list of 5 people (usually celebrities) that if you ever met and had the chance, would fuck with no consequences from your significant other. It would have to be consensual sex between the two people, but please, who wouldn't want this!
Over the years my list has changed quite a bit. Some people have gone from number 5 to number 1, other's like my forever loved Robert Smith has been dropped. WHAT?!?!? Goth kids can have dreams too! So I submit for your reading pleasures my current Laminated List* in no particular order *subject to change at a moments notice* =)
Russell Brand If you've seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I don't need to say anything further. If you haven't, what rock have you been living under? Let's just start with the accent. I KNOW!!! He's funny, he can sing and the body....*shutters* He is definitely shag-able. See these shackles Baby, I'm your slave!!!
Jason Statham He isn't called Handsome Rob for nothing! I first noticed his "acting ability" in Snatch where he played Turkish. It was funny and gritty and well, began my love affair with Jason. Of course some of his movies aren't as good as others, but I watch them all waiting on the edge of my seat for him to take his shirt off and kick the living shit out of someone. *sigh* Now that's a real man!!! Oh Jason, just lay there and let me lick the sweat off your rock hard abs after you work out!!! No, no shh, shh, don't talk, just let me drool all over you!!!
Taye Diggs he helped Stella Get Her Groove Back and I KNOW he could help me get mine (if I ever lost it)!! He is all sorts of chocolaty goodness! You know what they say!!! Sucks, his wife is super smoking hot! That's ok. What's not to love about Taye? He's hot!...ok, duh. He can sing, he can act, he's got a GREAT body, (noticing a trend yet), he smart (graduated from Syracuse) and has a sense of humor (did you catch him on Will and Grace?) I could spend an entire week on white sandy beaches with him. Well that and drinks with little umbrellas in them!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
M: So, OMG, on the cover of my Shape magazine last month was Faith Hill. Not fair!! She's had 3 kids AND has 6-pack abs. *pouts*
A: Yes, but she can also afford a personal chef, she can afford to buy stuff like fruits and vegetables and she has a personal trainer at home.
M: Its just NOT FAIR!!! She has Tim McGraw AND 6-pack abs! *stuffs face with chocolate*
A: Did you just say Tim MaCraw???
M: No, I said Tim Mc Graw, my mouth is just full of chocolate raisins!
A: You know, when I first started Jen told me to watch out cuz you don't always take you happy pills.
M: Well just so you know, I take them on Sunday, Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays.
A: No wonder we have electric lunches on Fridays.
A: Man, I'm gonna need to go clothes shopping pretty soon.
M: Well you have lost a lot of weight.
A: I mean look at these pants, they look like I took a big ol dump in them.
M: Ewww, you doodied in your pants!
A: So last night B asked me if I have my period at night or in the morning.
M: Isn't it usually all day?
A: No he meant when do I start. I told him that it can depend but its usually light when it starts. B said to make sure to tell him cuz he doesn't want to wake up in a pool of blood.
M: Are you kidding me? Its not like you spring a leak and spurt like some horror movie.
A: That's what I told him, but he says he gonna sleep in the other room so it doesn't get him.
M: Yes cuz blood has a mind of its own and may attack him in the middle of the night and turn him into a zombie.
Monday, January 26, 2009
BF: Oh well... you can't account for the lemmings that believe any and everything that is told to them! If it were the case that God cared who won then how would the Russians (former USSR, really) ever have won anything? They were (are) atheists so God could have never have been on their side... =D
IG: Russians (former USSR, really) ever have won anything? They were (are) atheists so God could have never have been on their side This would explain the 1980 Winter Olympics where the USA beat the Russians (USSR) in hockey!
BF: Yes but in the years the USSR participated in Ice Hockey (1960 - 1988) they won the gold 7 of 9 times!!!
IG: Yes, but I'm sure even God got tired of watching the atheists win and that's when he stepped in. So I guess, we could logically pinpoint God's interaction with sports to the 1980 Winter Olympics! It wasn't a called a Miracle for nothing! =D
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Brandon this is for you: Ahem. Brandon, the Wii is not code for "wine". It is not some new text acronym or inside joke that Ashlee and I share. It is a video console. And a Mii is you in Wii land. Its not a new flavor of dessert wine like a Riesling. I'm glad we cleared that up!
Now that we are all on the same page allow me to bitch for a moment. Steven bought a Wii Fit a few days ago. One of the "cool" things about the Wii Fit is that it will do a body analysis on you. Check your BMI, your weight and even tell you what your "real age" is. I was super excited to try this out. I'm not a total health nut....ok I'm a friggin carb-aholic!!! But I'm not a complete slacker either. I like to stay in shape, so I thought I would do really well on the test. *evil laughter*
Step #1 Check your BMI, enter your age, height & weight....BMI 22, sweet! I'm normal.
Step#2 Turns into a scale and calculates your weight....don't even ask!
Step#3 Do a series of balance tests. Let me just interject here....This sounds easy but is rather difficult. You have to apply the right amount of pressure to each leg and try to get a red dot in the center and well after some wine and an electric lunch...we all can see where this is going. I pretty much have the balance of 9 month old just learning to walk!
Step #4 Calculates Myy Wii age *drum roll*......45!! WTF YOU STUPID MACHINE!!! There is NO WAY my real age is 12 years more than my actual age. I'm pretty sure that Mii fainted when the age was announced. Fuck You Wii, I'm doing it again....44. BASTARD!!! I'm competative and stubborn, so you guessed it, one more time. Concentrate Irish, you can do this. I close 1 "drunken" eye, stand up straight, tummy in and redo the balance tests again.....37. *flip off inanimate object* Fuck You Wii!!! I need more wine!!! I'm also pretty sure that the Wii Fit just told me "37" to get my fat ass off it. It was a pity age.
Oh and did I mention that based off your weight, it changes the shape of your Mii??? Oh yes and I'm pretty sure that when I stepped on the Wii, it groaned. ASSHOLE!!! Now I know the Wii was created by a man. No woman in her right mind would tell your true weight or make you older then what you actually are!! Fuckk Youu Wii!!!!!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
The Prick faxed me over new loan papers. A 2009 Monaco Motorhome to be financed for $178k. I sent the information to the bank and no sooner did I hit the shiny red "send" button, the phone rang. *Just shoot me. Shoot me now* Its the bank...they need to see the dealer invoice. Okey-dookey, here ya go. We go back and forth over the amount to be financed, the terms, the interest rate, etc. FINALLY the approval comes over! YAY!! *confetti and balloons drop from the ceiling* I was so happy, I felt like grabbing a bottle of Champagne, shaking it and spraying it all over the place in a fit of celebration!
And when I called The Prick to tell him it was appoved, he was sooo happy he offered to buy me an Audi TT Roadster......Ok so he didn't really offer to buy me a car. But he should've with all the work I did!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Make my umpteenth call to the bank, now what!?!? Turns out that the NADA price on this bad boy is $145k, they are ripping off our customer. The loan to value is too high. OK, call Arizona again, blah, blah, blah, you're ripping off our customer, can she put more money down. He'll talk to her. *Ring, Ring*, guess who....oh just bend me over now!!! Well this time its his manager!
This prick proceeds to start ripping me a new one about how I NEED to get this pushed through and I NEED to start doing my job and I NEED to stop delaying. I try to explain nicely to this "gentleman" that the NADA guide book doesn't support the amount of money he's charging our customer for a 2003 vs. a 2008 at which point said Prick tells me that if I traded in my Toyota for a Mercedes, don't I think the Mercedes would cost more? OH NO you didn't!! *Irish Temper in full swing* First of all DON'T assume you know what I drive! Secondly, you are ripping off our customer and Thirdly, since Bank of America is willing to give her 5% and we are going to give her 8%, why in the fuck are you charging MY client 3% more over 240 months?!?! (I'll wait while you do the math. *hums to self*) EXACTLY!!! She's paying more in interest then the fucking motorhome is worth!!! (oh yeah and the fucker made me cry. DICK, now I have to go reapply my make up) At the end of the day, several calls later, several supervisors and directors later, we reach an agreement $160 k to loan and 180 months. Great, sweet, wonderful, we all dance a jig, and I grab some alcohol!
Fast forward to this morning. *ring, ring*....just fuck me dry with a carrot. Are you shitting me?!?! The customer changed her mind. Excuse the fuck out of me...there is no changing your mind, the check has been sent, the paperwork completed. It just "wasn't meant to be" with the 2003....she's buying a 2009 now. So Mr. Prick is being all nicey-nice to me and "I'm just so sweet and so great and wonderful"...can I please resubmit the loan? I grit my teeth and tell the bastard to fax me the knew info. Like, I said, customer service, gotta love it!
I'm NOW heading out for an electric lunch....one which I may NOT come back from!!!
Stay tuned for the updates. Still don't know if this one is gonna be approved!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
So this is it, the stage has been set. The Philly Eagles lost to the Arizona Cardinals today...can you say upset? And the Baltimore Ravens lost to the Steelers...can you say, duh? In two weeks the Cards will be playing the Steelers in SB XLIII. I suppose I have to root for the Cards. Here's why: I'm a West Coast girl by birth and by nature...and a Steeler disliker by default. Also I LOVE arguing my BF over blown calls and penalties...call it foreplay. So on February 1st I will be dawning some sort of attire in red and white and rooting for the Cards. I have to say that it's nice to see a West Coast team in the SB again. I'm sick of watching to East Coast teams that I could give a fuck about playing in the Super Bowl! Now if we could somehow get two West Coast teams in there, I'd be in Heaven!!! A girl can dream, can't she?
So sorry Twins, but I hope you'll be with me in rooting for the Cards on February 1st!!! And sorry, Honey, but if our love can survive football season, it can survive anything. And yes I do think that only little bitches wave yellow towels!! So every Steelers hater raise your chosen pint with me and yell "Go Cards!".
On a side note, I'm sure my love and I will have a bet going (which I'm sure I will lose again) so stay tuned for the details. I have no doubt that I'll end up in a pub wearing a Steelers jersey and a pair of high heels! =D
Friday, January 16, 2009
My BF is actually the one that brought this to my attention. Check out his post to see what I'm talking about. Now I just want to go punch the florist in the ovaries for getting my hopes up of this dismal season known as "winter" is over. Bitch!
Happy fucking Friday!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
So, I've been doing yoga for the past couple of years, but never in a formal studio. I at least know the difference between my downward facing dog and tree poses, so I was fairly comfortable in my ability. Steve on the other hand had never doing yoga before. This would be a new experience for him and one that I was happy I could share. =D We get to the class, slip off our shoes, grab our mats and prepare for an hour of stretching all while continuing to make ga-ga eyes at each other! =D Let me just say that there is NOTHING hotter then a guy (totally out of his comfort zone by the way) doing the bridge pose! Oh and staring at his butt while he's doing downward facing dog. *day dreams* Sorry got off topic, but really, you need to check out his ass, its incredible! Moving on....
We complete our hour plus of poses and then move into our final relaxation pose, Savasana. SAWEEETTTT!!! I can't get in the pose fast enough. It is my favorite, basically because it just requires you to lay on the ground and breath. Who can't do that??? So, I'm breathing and visualizing and OMG, am I snoring?!?! I seriously was about to hit REM cycle when all of the sudden someone starts coughing in class! WTF?!?! I was almost in REM....err....I mean deep meditation! And it wasn't a regular cough, oh no, it was one of those, "I'm going to try to hold it in and hope that I don't cough although this will never work" coughs. We all know the type. It only makes it worse and then you have a huge coughing fit after. Next time someone should bring some water with them. LOL
I have to say that it was a great class. And I didn't get any "I'm too macho for this" crap from Steve either. I can't wait to do it again next week. I just hope my Yoga Virgin had as much fun. Namaste!!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
***update*** I f-ing HATE Shitsburgh (thanks for the new name Two Twins!). Now I must go practice my curtsy and my "yes, Master!".
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Now picture this...its a dark and stormy morning in Seattle (there's shock), the room is dimly lit and there is a thick reddish-brown substance ALL over Master P's nose, mouth, chin. He is sitting on the couch with a tear in his eye and a finger up his nose. I nearly faint. All I can think is that he somehow fell and broke is nose, I mean it was that bad.
Calmly I ask him what happened.
MP-"I got an MnM stuck up my nose."
I try not to giggle. "Honey, why is there and M&M up your nose."
MP-"I wanted to smell it."
IG-"Ok, but how did it get up your nose?"
MP-"Well I couldn't smell it good enough, so I stuck it up a little further and now I can't get it out."
I laugh uncontrollably. After a few minutes of a warm washcloth, it acutally starts to melt...so the line about "melts in your mouth not in your hands" thats pure bullshit...they also melt in your nose. I wash his face off and told him that we don't stick anything, especially little M&Ms up our noses.
I just wish when I was pregnant and taking all those usless pre-natal classes that only scared the crap out of me instead of comforting me, they would've taught us some "real life" stuff. Like how to remove a M&M from your child's nose!