Friday, September 17, 2010


*Shout out to Angela. I FINALLY did a new blog post. Now back off, Lady!

LOL, JK. Love ya!!*

When I first moved from California to Washington about 14 years ago, I had SO much stuff...okay!! Okay!! Shoes! I had SO many pairs of shoes to bring (100+ pairs to be exact), that Todd and I decided to take AmTrak up. We weren't in a hurry and thought that it would be a nice way to relax and see the country side. Aside from having to sleep upright in a chair, it was a REALLY nice experience. Part of the train experience is eatting in the dining car. The dining car has several (2 to be exact) seating options. There are either tables for 2 or tables for 4. One day for breakfast we decided to mingle with the other passengers and we sat at a table for 4 across from a lovely couple heading from California to Alaska.

We did the initial meet and greet small talk. You know the "Hi, I'm (insert name here)" "This is my (insert relation here)" etc, stuff. I sat quietly eating my pancakes for the first little bit and then I decided to open my mouth and join in on the conversation. In hindsight, I should've just sat there eating my pancakes.

Now, let me just say this, I've always thought of myself as a fairly intelligent person. Did good in high school. Did great in college. On the speech and debate teams, Honor Rolls, Dean's Lists, AP classes, etc, etc, but that one lovely day on the train is where the California Public School system failed me and I became an idiot.

Todd: So where are you two from?

Lady: We are from Alaska. We took the train from Alaska to San Francisco for vacation and we're on our way back now. Its been really nice. What about you two?

Todd: Oh I'm from Washington. I'm in the Navy and my ship is now stationed up there. This is my girlfriend Marti (I smile) and she's from the Bay Area. She's moving up to Washington so we can be closer until I finish my time with the Navy.

Lady: That's so lovely. I'm sure the long distance has been difficult. (Blah blah blah)

Me: So you're like from Alaska, huh? Cool. This must've been a totally long trip for you.

Man: Yeah, but it's been nice seeing the country side and just taking our time.

Me: So how long is the trip going to take you total?

Man: About 4 days. After Seattle, we'll have to go through Canada and then onto Alaska.

Me: WOW!! So once you go through Canada do you have to like cross a bridge or something to get to Alaska?

Lady: What do you mean, Dear?

Me: (Looking nervously at Todd) Ummm, I mean to get onto Alaska. Don't you have to cross a bridge to like get there? I mean it is an island right? And then like don't you have to like pay a toll or something to cross and then show ID for like the guards to let you in???

*insert crickets*

Todd: No, Marti, Alaska isn't an island, its attached to Canada. There's no bridge to cross.

Me: There must be. I mean like on all the maps I've ever seen, its like an Island that's surrounded by walls. You know, like for protection from invasion or something.

Man & Lady: *looking horrified at each other*

Todd: *stares at me like I just grew a 3rd eye* No, Marti. Trust me. It's NOT an Island. There are no walls and there is NO bridge.

Me: Well then who ever did the maps of the US is a moron. Cuz like on every map I've like ever seen Alaska and Hawaii are islands that are like protected with walls. You know like the military bases where you have to show ID to get on. *looking at man and lady* Do you have to show some form of ID to get into Alaska?

Man & Lady: Excuse us. We must be going now. Enjoy your breakfast and the rest of your trip.

I'm pretty sure they jumped off the train at that point just to avoid us...well mostly to avoid me. Sadly, it took another couple of years until I would FINALLY believe Todd that Alaska wasn't some sort of island that you need to cross a bridge and show ID to get onto.

Thanks California Public Schools for making me a moron!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Sisters from another Mister!

There is a poem called "Reason, Season, Lifetime" The jest of it is that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I believe it to be so true. We are meant to learn a lesson from everyone we come in contact with, even if they are just in our life for a very short amount of time. Whether its to get us out of a crappy job, a crappy relationship or to be the pathway to meeting the person that you were meant to spend the rest of your life with. Recently I had the pleasure of meeting such a person.

Our situation didn't start out as traditional as most do, she's my X-husband's girlfriend. Over the 9 months that they have been dating, we met in person once, DM'd on FB a few times, but other than that, not much interaction. Upon meeting her for the first time, I thought she was an amazing person. You could just see the life, the light, the energy radiating from her and yes, I was jealous. She is such a beautiful person inside and out. I was jealous, not of their relationship, but of her self-confidence, something I wasn't feeling at the time that I met her. However, last Saturday I had the pleasure of getting to spend the day with her and learned that we have SO much in common!!! We believe in the power of positive thinking. We know that we are strong, positive, powerful women, whether we are with a man or not. We want the same things out of life and we want the same things for my son (which is MOST important). I ALWAYS told my X that in my heart of hearts, I wanted his S.O. to treat my son as if he were their own and to be able to be at family functions together without any weirdness between us. I have to say that L treats my son as if he were her own and I love her for that.

So we met at a restaurant last Saturday with plans to go out for a walk around the lake to talk. I got to the restaurant first and as soon as I saw her, it was like seeing my childhood BFF!!! It wasn't awkward or weird and neither of us were standoff-ish as some X's and new S.O.s might be. We met each other with a BIG hug. We sat and talked for hours. Then we did girlie stuff like get fake eyelashes done at Nordstrom. I had NEVER laughed SO much or had SO much fun with someone that I barely knew. We just had this instant connection. She spent the night at night at my house and we literally stayed up until 2am just talking. We found that we just had SO much in common. Even our workouts are similar and we want to try the same things like a pole dancing class. She just has SO much confidence and energy radiating from her, its contagious, not to mention that she's just gorgeous, picture Demi Moore. And she says just the right things just when I need to hear them most.

I do hope that she and my X are a "lifetime". But if not, I know that she met him for a "reason". She and I are seriously like sisters!!! And although we have REALLY only gotten to know each other for a week, I love her as if we had known each other for the past 30 years.

I just wanted to say a HUGE thank you to L. You are a WONDERFUL person and I LOVE having you in my life!

Do any of you have people like that in your life???

Thursday, April 29, 2010

10 Things.....

So this has been going around the blogging World and I FINALLY got tagged, so I guess its my turn to tell you 10 things about me that you may OR may not know.
  1. When I'm heartbroken, to deflect the pain, I get a new tattoo or piercing. It helps me to deal with the heart ache. That might be why I have 6 tattoos and 9 piercings. And another one is on the way.
  2. On my 16th birthday, my Mom took me to see INXS and The Soup Dragons at the Oakland Coliseum, INXS said "Happy Birthday" to me!!!
  3. I'm totally random when it comes to music. My iPod has everything from Shania Twain to TPain to Johnny Cash to Godsmack on it and everything 80's in between.
  4. I FINALLY believed at love at first sight at 32 when I first met S.
  5. I HATE being alone. Even grocery shopping by myself annoys me. I feel like people are judging me as the "crazy cat lady".
  6. I'm a total sports fan! Be it football or hockey, I'm into it ALL!!! I would MUCH rather be at a ball game with a beer and a hot dog then at a fancy restaurant!
  7. I'm impatient with my hair. If I want to cut it I will, I won't wait for an appointment, I will just go and do it myself. And I hate paying for something I can do myself.
  8. I have a HUGE secret that some people will understand and some won't. But S LOVES my secret!!!
  9. I wanted to be a pediatrician when I grew up. In college, I changed my major to fashion design because I wanted to party more than I wanted to study.
  10. I LOVE being a T-ball Mom!!! I LOVE watching P playing ball, although I wish I were out there with him.

Bonus: #11: I have more bra and panty sets than Victoria Secrets!!!

Double bonus #12: I'm ADDICTED to chapstick. And when I say "addicted" I mean I need a 12 step program to help me get off it.

So, what are your 10 things???

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


Unless you are living under a rock, you will know that today is Pot Smoking day. Honestly, I REALLY have NO idea what that means or where it comes from, however, on ALL of the radio shows today they have been debating the idea of legalizing pot or not. I thought I would chime in. Now this is just my opinion not fact mind you and I REALLY have no stats to back it up....hence it being an opinion. And NO, I'm not a pot smoker.

I for 1 DO NOT believe that Mary Jane is the "gate way" drug. I currently know, have grown up with and have known in the past "pot heads" who have never ventured to anything other than being a "pot head" vs a meth-fiend, coke-addict, etc etc. I don't believe that pot is a dangerous drug or will lead you to other more harmful drugs. Knowing the people that I have in the past, its quiet the opposite, unless you are hiding a box of twinkies from them! More people have been killed by alcoholics then by pot smokers and alcohol is legal. I think a lot of it has to do with the friends and crowd that you hang out with. And I think that some kids become addicted to pills, alcohol or worse without ever having tried pot especially at a younger age, thanks to their parents.

I honestly think that it should be legalized and then policed, like alcohol. Let the government tax it and reap some of the revenue that they are missing out on now. It might actually solve some of the budget deficit problems that so many states are having now. I mean people are going to do it whether it is legal or not, so just legalize it, tax it and put some of that money back into the state for other programs.

Also, let's look at the farmers. Farmers could harvest hemp and sell it for things like clothing, medicinal purposes, etc and could save a lot of the small farms that are going out of business because we are importing items from other countries for a few cents less a dollar.

Honestly, when was the last time you read or heard on the news that someone drove the wrong way down the freeway because they were high on pot??? Nope, usually drunk. Or about when someone went on a 3 day pot binge and killed their family??? Nope, usually meth. Pot doesn't make you lose your teeth like meth or get "tracks" like heroine. At worse, you have no drive and therefore are not a productive member of society....or maybe your are a functional pot head. Honestly, the majority that smoke pot that I have known, would rather play X-Box all day, then have to get into a car to drive anywhere. Think about it!

Either way, I think it should be legalized and then policed. If it can work in other countries, why not this one? I mean we seem to think that we are so much more superior, then let's prove it. Its not like marijuana is a brand new thing, its been around since the time of the Bible and before.

What's your opinion?

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Life IS Beautiful!!!

*Life IS Beautiful*

Okay so this is probably a bit morbid, but I have had "Life is Beautiful" by Sixx A.M. on repeat on my iPod for like the last hour or so now. Yes, I am singing along (poorly) and know all the words. There is a line in the song that says "Will you swear on your life that no one will cry at my funeral". So it got me thinking. How would I like my funeral to be. NO!!! I'm not dying or going to do anything stupid, but it got me to thinking. How would I like my funeral to be??? I know for sure, I DON'T want one of those stanchy, quiet, traditional, ceremonial know like your Great-Grandmother had with the black Catholic veil et all. I want a fucking party. I want it loud and I want it insane. I have led a GREAT life and I continue to lead a great one, so why NOT celebrate it?!?! I don't want passages from the "bible" read or "Amazing Grace" sang. THAT'S.JUST.NOT.ME!!!

Here's what I do want. I want shots of Jaeger passed out at the door as people enter then pour one out for the hommie (aka me). I want a ton of flowers....okay so that's pretty traditional, but flowers are a must, especially my favs, Star Gazer Lilies. I don't want people to cry. I want people to have fun. I want a good old fashioned Irish wake where everyone gets shit faced and tells funny and embarrassing stories about me....primarily so I can haunt them later for ever repeating those stories! LAWL I don't want to be dressed in some ugly ass beaded gown. I want to go out all in black wearing my combat boots! Black hair, black eyeliner and red lips! And I don't want sappy churchy music. I want the place to rock. I want to raise the dead, pardon the expression. I want my favorite bands played. Like Korn, Rob Zombie, Motley Crue, The Cure (okay, so they are kind of emo), Rammstein, Skinny Puppy, Linkin Park. I want it to feel more like a party, cuz it is. Fucking drink up people, I'm the one paying for this shit and I'll be watching!!!

Like I said, morbid, I know. But the song got me thinking. I don't want people crying for me. I want people to celebrate my memory and what GREAT times we had together. I also want "Life Is Beautiful" by SIXX A.M. played as people enter and take their shots of Jaeger. I'm putting the FUN back in funeral motha fuckers!!!

Have you guys ever thought about what you want your funeral to be like????


I know that at or around New Years, everyone posts their goals for the year. And I thought to myself, eh fuck 'em, I'm going to do mine in April. Screw the robotic majority, they are boring and dull and I have ALWAYS danced to the beat of another drummer (like Tommy Lee)! Having said that, I have made some goals for myself this year. Hard to believe, I know! There are several things that I want to accomplish this year. Will I actually make it, IDK, guess you'll just have to stay tuned to find out, but I'm putting in the effort and that's what matters. So in NO particular order here are my goals for 2010:

  1. I AM going to buy a road bike (bicycle). My goal is to complete a century (100 miles) before the end of summer. I think I have a fairly good shot at achieving this since I can easily do 10 miles and I did 20 miles with no problem last year. I'm sure I'm kidding myself, but what do I have to lose? And just think of how HOT my legs will look with all the training. HELLO short skirts and high heels!!!!!
  2. I AM going to get out on my mountain bike and conquer that damn trail. It beat the h3ll out of me last summer but NOT this year. H3ll hath NO fury like a woman scorned and trail, you scorned me last year!!! You should fear this!! Not to mention that the trail is SUPER close to work so I can go after work is done! I would say on lunch, but come on, who am I trying to kid! LAWL
  3. I'm going to do a 5k Warriors Dash with my friend TL. Basically its a 5k run with obstacles (IE:wall climb, mud pit, etc) and a beer waiting for you when you are done. I would run a 100k for a beer. Now if any of you know me, you know I LOATH running. Seriously, if I were ever chased by muggers, they could take whatever they wanted. Not to mention that the Goddess gave me an extra serving of boobs and it sucks to run with the girls. But I'm going to train and do it! (I'm on the email to register when they open up the WA registration).
  4. I'm going to spend more time in California. When I first moved up here, I would visit every 3-4 months. Now it seems like I only visit once a year. And while its like a visit from the President when I do go with all the pomp and circumstance (yes, they even play the song for me when I exit the plane), I miss my friends dearly. Not to mention that my Grandparents and my nephew aren't getting any younger.
  5. I'm hoping with all of this *gulp* exercise, I will get down to my pre-marriage weight of 125. Not so much a goal as it is an added perk. 6 pack-abs is a GREAT revenge on the X! *Evil laughter*
  6. Feel comfortable *gulp* in a bikini!
  7. Go to as many concerts as I can and party it up this summer!!! That should be an easy one to mark off. I already got tickets to The Mayhem Festival starring Korn and Rob Zombie before they even went on sale and I'm going to the Super Hero Crawl in Reno the weekend before. No brainer, we can just check that one off the list now!!! S and I went to the Super Hero Crawl a few years ago and had an AWESOME time partying with my friends from high school. I can't wait to go again this year!!!
  8. Get at least 1 more tattoo before the end of summer and 1 more piercing. Okay we can pretty much check that one off the list as well, that's no brainer.
  9. And finally, World Peace.

Okay maybe not so much #9 and if any of you have seen "Miss Congeniality" you will get the joke. If not, what the h3ll is wrong with you!!! No, seriously, what the h3ll is wrong with you?!?! Of course there are the normal things like to be the best Mom I can to P-man, which is a daily goal and to lose weight, but who doesn't list that as one of their goals? Seriously though, I will keep everyone up to date on how I'm doing. So do any of you have any goals for this year? If so, what are they?

Monday, March 22, 2010

So Sappy Sweet-You'll need to visit the dentist after!!

** YES!! My shirt does say "Will Fuck For Shoes". S bought it for me! **

2 years ago today my friends TL & V took me out dancing for my upcoming birthday. TL said that she invited a friend that she had known for years and thought we would get a long famously. TL played the go between sending pix of us back and forth to each other. From his pictures, he seemed cute and nice, so why not let him crash "Girl's Night Out". As we pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant/club, I saw THE.MOST.TALL.DARK.HANDSOME.MAN...EVER!!! I quietly prayed to myself "oh please let that be S, oh please let that be S." Then the panic started and I quietly prayed "oh no, that can't be S. oh crap!" Sure enough it was S.

He joined us for dinner while TL played interference and we both text her secretly about how cute the other one was. One thing led to another and I invited him to go out dancing with us. This was after he was so kind as to buy me a birthday shot of Jaeger...Man after my own heart! =D We exchanged numbers before he had to leave for a "guy's" thing. He promised to call me on Monday and he did. Of course, I had sent him some annoying and probably incoherent drunk texts that night as the girl's partied on. But he still called just like he said he would, a TRUE Gentleman!!! And as they say, the rest is history.

He is the kindest, sweetest, honest, most giving and generous person I had EVER met. And TL was right, we get along perfect. We LOVE the same music, movies, books, style. You name it and we have it in common. I had found my Soul Mate. I had never believed in LOVE at first sight until then. I once had thought I had fallen in love when I was 20 with Jason (that's a post for a later time), but I was wrong. I fell in love that night with S. And all these years later, I still get giddy and nervous and anxious just at the thought of seeing him. My heart skips a beat and flutters whenever I see him and I'm giggly like a school girl whenever we are together.

Sure things haven't always been smoothest, but what relationship doesn't have it's ups and downs??? But in the end, he owns my heart and always will!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

What a difference a year makes!

Today marks a milestone in my life. No I'm NOT getting married again and it's NOT my birthday. Nope, today is the anniversary of my divorce. I have OFFICIALLY been divorced for 1 year today.

I have to admit that I have mixed emotions about it. I LOVE being married. I LOVE being known as "Mrs. _____" I LOVE taking care of my husband and being BFFs. But it just didn't work. I AM happy to say that we are still GREAT friends. In fact, probably better friends than we were when we were married. I know that he has my back no matter what happens and I have his. I dare a woman to break his heart. She'll have to deal with my wrath. And of course, we have P-man. He is THE.MOST.IMPORTANT thing in our lives. I know "they" say that things happen for a reason. So if that means that P was the out come of that "reason" then it was well worth the ride.....NO pun intended!!! =D

Seriously though. T is a GREAT guy. ANY woman is lucky to capture his heart and his love. It just turns out that we made better friends then husband/wife. No regrets on my part. And I'm sure none on his....look what we got out of it. A spunky, loving, cheerful, happy son...who will be turning 5 in May...OMG time flies, but that's another post. You might be asking yourself: Do you miss T? Of course I do. We shared some AMAZING times together. I learned things about myself and grew as a woman and for that I thank him and will be ETERNALLY grateful. And sure we can still hang out, have a beer, rip on people and just be. I think that's the way it should be.

So on the anniversary of my divorce, I'm NOT going to cry. I'm going to remember the good times. And say Thank You, T, for allowing me to be a part of your life for 12 years!!! And here's to another 12!!!

Friday, March 19, 2010

Get our your rusty, dirty, dull knives

I miss S. I miss him SOOOO much. I would do ANYTHING to get him back. I miss the way he smiles and the way he laughs. I miss emailing him during the day and texting him at night and on kid weekends. I MISS HIM!!!! Ppl say that I should just move on, but I can't. How can you leave your soul mate?!?!? How???

I miss S. I miss him SOOOO much. There really isn't a point to this post other then that I miss him and I still love him. I always will!!!It took me years to find him and I'm NOT about to let him go. I just.....I just don't know what to do. He promises to talk to me, but he never does. I'm hanging on by a string. IDK what to do. I thought I once felt hurt like this before (that another post), but I never have. I have NEVER given my heart to someone unconditionally and had it broken. And as he will tell y'all, its my own fault. I'm the one that broke my own heart....and he's right. That's the part that sucks.

I miss S. I miss him SOOOO much. I want him back. I will do ANYTHING to get him back...ANYTHING. =( I miss texting him "good morning" and texting him "good night". I miss him. =(

Xzibit A

So as much as I LOVE Xzibit and I follow him on Twitter, this post is NOT about Xzibit. Although, OMG, I have to admit that I have a MAJOR crush on him. He's just SOOOO cute and funny, I just want to pinch his cheeks....the ones on his face....Jeez sickos!!! LOL. No this post is about WHY I'm thinking about going private. I know I said that Monday was going to be my last day public, but I have A LOT of friends on facebook who check out my blog periodically and I didn't want to totally go private. So I have stayed public. But with a comment made today, I'm really, seriously considering going private.

I did a blog post yesterday about P going into T-ball and how THAT MIGHT mean that he and Z will be on the same team, if nothing else, they will be playing against each other at some point in the season and I will have to look at Dbag's ugly ass face a couple of times in the season. ALL of the comments I received were positive and helpful....except for one. And I'm PRETTY sure I know who it came from. I did delete it from the comment section, but I'm having 2nd thoughts now. So I thought I would dedicate a complete blog post to it. Nothing pisses me off more than people who post shyt as "anonymous". How fraking chicken shit is that??? If you are going to spend the time and energy to read and then post a comment at least make yourself known. So here's the comment: Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "All I can do is laugh and Karma just might be a bi...": First of all I would to thank you for keeping me so entertained with your ludicrous remarks....I think the Dbag you should be referring to is yourself. I cannot believe how snowed your friends are in thinking that you have it soooo bad when in fact you bring on your own drama...know what I have to say about that....FUCK'N GROW UP!!!

Now I can't say 100% for sure if it is in fact the Dbag herself or one of her fat ugly sisters, but its someone in that VERY dysfunctional family. I'm guessing that its NOT the Dbag herself, because I have enough texts and emails from her to know that her grammar and spelling are worse than my pre-schoolers!!! And I'm pretty sure that IF the Dbag even knew what the word "ludicrous" meant, she wouldn't be able to spell it right. But still, it's comments like that that I can do without. I mean, really, is that necessary??? No. And really the energy and time that I'm spending on responding to it, I need to ask Goddess for that hour of my life back!!! But I digress. So I'm STILL contemplating going private, but as I have said before, I think being "private" on a public site is just dumb. So from here on out, I will no longer allow "anonymous" comments. If you aren't man OR woman enough to put your name to your comment, then Shut The Fuck Up!!!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

All I can do is laugh and Karma just might be a bitch!

Awwww...Spring is here!!! The days are staying lighter longer, the flowers are in bloom, the smell of fresh cut grass and the baseball season. I'm NOT a huge baseball fan...okay I'M NOT a baseball fan. I'm RTG by the 2nd inning. In fact the only thing I do like about baseball is sitting out in the sun, soaking up the rays and drinking beer. However, this year Pman will be playing his first season of T-ball and he's VERY excited about it. Its a right of passage of sorts. My brother played for years and I played softball for as long as I can remember. I remember my poor mom having to run between to totally difference ball field locations to drop one child off, get the other to their game, run back to the first, pick them up and then run back to the 2nd game. I don't think she EVER saw a complete game the ENTIRE time we played. But she was dedicated.

Oh right, to the reason of my post. So P-man is playing T-ball this year. In talking with my X this morning I found out that he signed P up to play in Kent. IDK why Kent. I live in Federal Way and the X lives in Auburn, he could've picked either city, but chose Kent. So what's the big deal, right??? Well, Zoe is also playing T-ball. Now at this age, I'm PRETTY sure that the teams are co-ed....which means, there is a good chance that they COULD be on the same team....see where I'm going with this?!?! Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? RIGHT-which means I MAY have to spend practice time AND games around Dbag. And even if they are NOT on the same team, I'm pretty sure chances are that they will have to play each other. Again, anyone? Anyone? RIGHT-I'll have to spend at least a couple of games in the season sitting across the stands from her. ARGH!!! WHICH ALSO means that the X and S will be around each other. I'm NOT so worried about them, they can be adults, its Dbag that worries me. *sigh*

I guess I shouldn't stress yet, we haven't even been contacted by the coach, so we really don't know IF they will be on the same team or not, but still. Just the thought of having to be in the same vicinity as her, makes me want to hurl. I mean what do I do? If they are on the same team, do I ask to have P moved to another team, although he would be playing with his best friend??? IDK.

What would you guys do? Should I just be the better person and let the kids play and try to stay out of her way?!?! ARGH!!! I'm stressing already. Guess I'll just wait to see what happens. I'll keep you all posted!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


Well its that time of year again. It's St. Patrick's Day. Erin Go Bragh, y'all!! As much as I typically look forward to this time of year, the corned beef, potatoes, the Guinness, the debauchery...sadly this year, I'm not. I'm Irish and can't even seem to get into the spirit this year. Sad, I KNOW!!! Of course I wore green today. Had to for Preston. He kept harping on me that he being a little leprechaun would come and pinch me if I didn't, so I put on my "Every Loves An Irish Girl" green t-shirt, put on a smile, had Lucky Charms for breakfast and dropped my little leprechaun off at school.....and then I cried. I miss S so much!!! I remember what we were doing this time last year. How happy we were. And now all I do is cry.

To get me out of my "funk" my friend V has asked me to go out with her tonight. A little socializing, some pool and some fresh air....funny, I don't want any part of it. I want to curl up into a little ball in my soft, warm bed and cry myself to sleep like I do most nights. I'm pathetic, I know. But I'll go, only because I made a promise, and I haven't had a "girls" night out in a while. Besides, if people can't trust and rely on your word, then you really have nothing. I will put on a smile, be nice, be polite, but the whole time I'll be missing and thinking about S. Wishing, hoping, praying that I could come home to his waiting arms, warm smile, sweet eyes and wonderful kisses. =(

I'm NOT drinking this year...for several reasons. Some more important than others, but I guess water can be just as fun right?!?! I just wish that she wasn't wanting to go out at 9:30pm. B-jesuz...doesn't she know that I'm old and I'm in bed by then....especially lately. But I'll go. Actually I'll probably sit in my car like Cameron from Ferris Bueller and contemplate going, only to finally go. But I'll still be missing S. This just fucking sucks!!!! I miss MY boyfriend and I want him back! I want to be happy again and I want to stop feeling/looking like Eeyore with a little black cloud over me.

Oh well. Erin Go Bragh! I hope you all have a great St. Patricks Day. Now go have a drink...or 6 for me!

Monday, March 15, 2010

I'm SORRY Baby!!!

Sometimes it takes someone elses words to express just how I'm feeling. Just how badly, I want S to know just how sorry I am and just how badly I want him back. *SOBS* All I can say is-I'm sorry.

Oh I had a lot to say, was thinking my time away
I miss you and things weren't the same
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry, it makes me want to die

I'm sorry, Im bad, I'm sorry, I'm blue
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my World go round
And I just wanted to say, I'm sorry

This time I think, I'm to blame
Its harder to get through the days
You get older and blame turns to shame
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry, it makes me want to die

I'm sory, I'm bad, I'm sorry, I'm blue
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know, I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby, the way you make my World go round
And I just wanted to say, I'm sorry

Every single day, I think about how we came all this way
The sleepless nights and the tears you cried
Its never to late to make it right

I'm sorry, baby
I'm sorry, baby

*Sorry by Buck Cherry*

Saturday, March 13, 2010

So much for MY happy ending!

Well, I think that picture pretty much sums up how I'm feeling. I miss S SOOO much. And yes, I was the one that did wrong. I lied to him. *SOBS* And you know, to be honest, I NEVER EVER cheated on him. NEVER EVER wanted to. NEVER EVER thought about it. Didn't even look at another man. But I lied. I lied about the dumbest of shit. I mean really stupid dumb ass shit. Like going out to dinner with my old boss and his wife. Well that was part true, P and I did go out to dinner with my old boss, even posted it on FB, even told S where we were going. But I lied about his wife being there. She wasn't. I should've just told S to come along with us and make it a great evening out. But for whatever reason, past relationships maybe, I lied. I thought....FUCK, IDK what the hell I was thinking. I wasn't cheating though. Then after dinner P and I planned to come home to S. Well that all went to hell. =(

Then took a friend out to lunch for his birthday. S asked if I had anything to drink. Again, knee-jerk reaction was to lie and say no. But I did. I had 1 & 1/2 beers. I know, I know, dumb of me. So I finally conceded and told S the truth, but it was too late. Oh yeah, also tried a Bacon Vodka Bloody Mary....its NOT my style. Talk about nursing something. I did tell S about that, but again too late. I'm not supposed to be drinking for several reasons, and I do good for about 2 weeks then I just HAVE to have something and so I did. I thought, fuck, its my friend's birthday and who will it hurt? I'll see S in 6 hours and will be sober by then. No big deal, right? WRONG!!! Man, was I WAY WRONG!!! And yes, fucking ratarded of me to post it on twitter. Go figure, the 1 time he actually checks out my twitter page. Never mind all the crap that's on there about hurting and missing him, that the 1 thing he zones in on. But again, can't blame S, its my doing, my fault.

There have been other little "white" lies here and there over the past 6 months or so. Ones that hurt him little by little tearing a hole, here I thought I was protecting me AND protecting him....nothing major....though as it turns out they were major...major to him. And yes, I DO know what its like to be lied to and I NEVER wanted to hurt S the way that I had been hurt. But I did. And as S told me, all I can do now is live with the consequences of MY actions. *SOBS*

But I miss him. I miss him soooo fucking much. I wish he knew how sorry I am, how messed up and empty I am without him. I wish he knew. But I can't tell him. Why you might ask? Well see, he's blocked me from EVERY media site. FB, Twitter, Mysp@ce, even my phone number is blocked, can't text, can't call. All because I screwed up and lied to him. *SOBS* ::have to wipe tears, insert music here:: I do know that he reads my blog...or I should say at least USED to read it, IDK if he does anymore. But I hope he knows that my heart is broken and I'm SO truly sorry. *SOBS* I never meant to hurt him...NEVER. But that seems to be my pattern. But all that's going to change!!! Turning over a new leaf. A new season is upon us and what better time to start making change than the present?!?!? And yes sometimes the truth will hurt, but you know what, it hurts a HELL of a lot less than being lied to.

So, S, if you are reading this, please just know how truly sorry I am. I hope and pray that you will let me back in and show you that I mean what I say. I.WILL.NEVER.HURT.OR.LIE.TO.YOU.AGAIN!!!! Even if it takes the rest of my life, I WILL prove that to you. I miss you terribly and I LOVE YOU dearly!!!! I miss my soul mate! *SOBS*

Friday, March 12, 2010

Broken hearted

I'm pretty sure that the title says it all. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on. This SUCKS!!! I miss S, SOOO much. I just wish there was some way, some how to stop the hurt. IDK, they say that in time ALL wounds heal, but then again I'm not sure that I want it to. Its the reminder I have of him. *SOBS* My heart was first broken back when I was 20, it took 12 years for that to heal and then I FINALLY met my soul mate. We laughed, we loved, we shared, we made plans for the future....and then I FUCKED UP!!! I mean we're not just talking a little whoopsie, I mean a MAJOR.FUCK.UP!!! The fuck up of ALL fuck ups. And so now he is gone and there is nothing I can do. My friends tell me to just give him time and space and things will work out. But I can't. See I'm SO fucking OCD that I have to keep pushing and pushing myself on him until I FINALLY pushed him away. *SOBS*

I LOVE EVERYTHING about this man. The way he smiles, laughs, kisses, touches. The way he smells, holds me, treated me well BEYOND belief. And the s3x, well....!!! What can I say?!?! He is SO perfect. EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED. EVERYTHING I EVER ASKED FOR. And he's gone. And I have no one to blame but myself. *SOBS* I miss the way we used to be. I mean he has my bite mark tattooed on him for Goddess sake and I have him and OUR kids tattooed on me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just want to curl up in a little ball and die.

I cry. I cry ALL the time. I cry to the point that I make myself throw up. *SOBS* And then I scream to just make the hurt go away. Nothing helps....NOTHING. The only thing that will make this hurt stop is to be near him again. I try to focus on Preston, but then it only reminds me of the times that we spent with S. Preston asks me how come he can't see S or Zoe??? And then I start to cry and sob all over again. *SOBS* Its one thing to hurt me, but when my son hurts, that just fucking sucks. And again, all I can do is blame myself.

I know, now everyone is going to go grab a dull, rusty kitchen knife. But these are some of the things that I'm dealing with. And I'm sure there will be MORE posts like this. I hope one day....soon, to be able to post that MY soul mate and I are back together. I would give ANYTHING to have S back in my...our lives. Until then, I shall continue to mourn my heart.

Bite me!!!

So since there is A LOT of shit going on right now, I'm putting my blog least for the mean time. At least until I can get some things figured out. I've already had to delete not one but TWO posts for ppl leaving certain comments and then making them "anonymous". FRAKIN' CHICKEN!!!! If you're not going to put your name, then don't say anything at all.

I hate the fact that I have to even censor myself. It sucks. It also sucks to go "private" cuz I'm probably THE biggest person to bitch about having something "private" on a public media site. If you wanted to keep your thoughts private, just invest in a diary. But I digress.

So, if you are at all interested in continuing to read my insanity, leave me a comment. I'll wait until Monday to completely go private. After that you'll have to DM me on Twitter or Facebook.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Nightmare on Elm Street

The picture actually has a double meaning because the cunt does wear tacky sweaters, but she also invades my childs dreams. While I have to LOL at the first part, I cry with the fact that she scares my child.

Ever since the cunt spoke to Master P in the parking lot of our home during the summer of 2009, he has been having reoccurring nightmares that the "bad lady" is coming to kill me and to "get" him. I'm NOT quite sure what "get" him means, he refuses to elaborate, but it pisses me off. I try to calm him down and soothe him, like any good Mother would, but the dreams continue. He wakes up screaming at the top of his lungs for me in the middle of the night. He wakes up with the shakes and cold sweats, but the courts didn't seem to think that that mattered. My father, who is American Indian, bought P a dream catcher and had it blessed, that, however, hasn't seemed to help. IDK what to do. He is petrified that the "bad lady" is coming to get us. Its gotten so bad, that he refuses to sleep by himself or with the lights off. He's afraid that if he doesn't sleep with me that the "bad lady" is going to kill me. ARGH!!! A 4 YEAR OLD SHOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THIS. He keeps asking me if I'll watch over him when I go to Heaven soon. FUCK ME!!!!

Some nights are better than others, of course. The nightmares seem to be worse after he spends the weekend with his best friend, Z, who happens to be the cunt aka "bad lady"s daughter. His most recent nightmare was Sunday night. I'm at my wits end.

I DID not tell him that I went to court and that they ruled against us. I thought that would only play into his fears. I just try to reassure him, as best as I can, that he's safe with me and with his Daddy and no one will EVER hurt him. Of course, if they try, then I will rip their throats out with a smile and happily spend the rest of my life in jail!!! You don't FUCK with my child! He constantly asks that the "white light" surrounds him, his Mommy and our house. Sadly, I've done everything I can do legally. Now, I guess I'll have to leave it up to karma. OH how I hope I'll get to be the one to shove the karma up her narrow, flat ass. Usually it doesn't happen that way, but one can hope.

I'm at my wits end. Do any of you have any suggestions?!?! This is too much pressure for a 4 year old to handle. He's a sweet and caring soul and worries about his Mommy WAY too much. =( Makes me want to cry.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Day 2

So today is day 2. And I have to say, so far, so good. I woke up this morning with the love of my life by my side. He told me that he loved me. To add to my excitement, I'm such a lucky girl, he got up with the kids at 7am and let me sleep in until about 9am. It was nice considering that I haven't really had a good nights sleep in over 3 days. I LOVE him SO much.

Today is day 2. Its been....nice. This morning Steven went on a bike ride with his two kids, which left me alone with Preston. Normally boredom is something that leads me to start drinking, but today we got out of the house and did stuff. It was an unusually GORGEOUS February day in Washington, so I took Master P to the driving range. Nothing like a little workout to ease the urges. OMG!!! We had SO much fun. He got complimented by EVERYONE on his form and his golf swing. *proud Mom bows* (Thank you, thank you, he's a natural, NO instruction what-so-ever.) We had a GREAT time, just me and Master P. Even I was hitting the balls good. They were flying straight and far with that little "ting" from the driver to let you know when you hit it right on.

Tonight we are looking forward to having Steve and Z spend the night at our house. I want to show and to prove to Steve that I can keep a promise. I can fight my own demons for the sake of our relationship and that I'm NOT a horrible mother. I just hope I can succeed.

Tomorrow, as most of you know, is the Super Bowl. The drinking day of drinking days right after St. Patty's day. In years past, I would go over a friend's house and we would bet with drinks. For example: You bet on who wins the coin toss, loser drinks. Who scores the 1st touchdown, loser drinks. The first points are a result of a field goal, loser drinks. As you can see, we would be FUCKED UP before the end of the first quarter....NOT this year. The ONLY drinking I will be doing is water and Gatorade 2 (G2). At least I'll get to see the half time performance before I pass out this year.

But its worth it. I have MY boys with me tomorrow. And they are worth it! I AM WORTH IT!!!

Day 1 part deux (times a thousand)

` I was doing so good, damn-it, then I went to court and lost to the cunt. ARGH!!! Well that just sent me on a downward spiral....I went on pretty much a 3 day binger. Back to my old habits of drinking wine to ease the pain and pissing off those that I love. I won't rehash the court post, you can read it for yourself, but let's just say that I'm TOTALLY, COMPLETELY, UTTERLY pissed off at the State of Washington, the City of Kent and their eff-ing judges, but I digress. Anyhow as I was saying, I turned to my friend Mr. Wine to ease the pain and disappointment. The first day, I held it together pretty well...although Steven had to put me to bed at 6:30pm ONLY for me to pop up wide awake at 10:30pm to want to do it all again. The next day it got worse. I started fights with him via texts, he took back his house keys, more fights via texts. Then name calling, cheap shots AND lies....ALL on my part. What can I say??? I'm a horrible bitch of a drunk.

So what is a girl to do after she's fucked everything up??? The ONLY thing she can do, I begged and pleaded for forgiveness....again!!! On hands and knees I grovelled. Its wasn't a pretty sight, I'll tell you that. Once I would wake up from my stupor, I realized what I had done. I pushed away my soul mate. OMG, I'm a fucking bitch!!! No, no, really you all can agree.

Now what?, you might be asking. Well now I start all over again. Back to day one, for the thousandth time. Day one.....a day that he shouldn't have given me. Day one....a day that he DID give me. He agreed to talk (again) if I was sober....and I was. It was....easy, dare I say. I didn't even want to look at, think about or see a bottle of wine or an ounce of alcohol. I want to be a better woman for him.....and more importantly for Master P. I want to be there for them in spirit and in person. I was there in body, but not in other capacity.

Its tough, I'm NOT going to lie. But BOTH of the men in my life are SO totally worth the fight. I just hope that they know it. And so, Day 1 is done and over with. I didn't even think about having a drink, I didn't even WANT to have a drink. I just wanted to end the day with MY boys!!!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Court sucks

For those of you who are my "friends" on facebook you already know this, for those of you who aren't, let me recap: On January 21st I filed an anti-harassment restraining order against the cunt...aka, Steve's ex wife, for me AND Preston (that's the important part, keep that part in mind). Today, February 3rd was our court date. And OMFG, things DID NOT turn out how I hoped. =(

I got to court early, our hearing was scheduled for 8:30am, I was there at 8:15. Finally at about 11am, it was my turn. I presented my case....with evidence. Like all of her FB messages to me, emails and over 1000 texts (no shittin) from her and her "son". She then presented her side. My emails to her, etc, etc. The judge heard both sides. I looked professional with ALL evidence in order, dressed in my most responsible looking outfit, and I was looking DAMN good, might I just say. Even my hair was having a good day. She looked like a homeless person with scraps of paper scattered here and there, dressed in what I'm pretty sure are Steve's old clothes, no makeup and I'm sure that she doesn't own a brush. Sadly, in the end, the judge said that she just didn't see any form of "unlawful" harassment *record scratches* EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME?!?! The cunt VERBALLY threatened MY son. Her kids will ONLY refer to me as "the bitch"....including the 4 year old. I have over 394 texts from the cunt in a span of 2 1/2 days. 2 1/2 days people!!! How does that NOT meet the definition of "unlawful" harassment?!?! I mean, BOTH Steve and I have told her to leave me the fuck alone. And yet she continues to harass me.

Am I completely innocent in the case...NO! I did text her back. But still. She has let air out of my tires, keyed my car and harassed me AND my son to no end. Still, the judge didn't see anything wrong with that. I brought up the point that the cunt has a DV charge and vandalism charge against her in Pierce county. And still, no "unlawful" harassment. WTF does she have to do, kill me,before they take this seriously?!?! No wonder our system is SO screwed up. ARGH. I'm so BEYOND frustrated and disappointed. And the worst part was having to watch the cunt walk out of that court room with a stupid smirk on her ugly face. Makes me just want to punch her.

IDK what to do next. I know she won't stop. Oh sure, things will quiet down for a few months, but she'll start up again. And when the Judge asked the cunt why she texts me so much, you know what the DBag said? Because she "just doesn't like me". Are you kidding me??? Grow up, you are 40 years old. Get a life...or better yet, get a job for that matter.

Maybe I did something wrong. Maybe I didn't bring enough evidence to court with me. But come on. I have 3 months worth of text records from her. Umpteen FB messages and emails from her. I even brought copies of emails that Steven had sent to her asking her to stop contacting me. Her only explanation...hope you're sitting down for this. She "wants to break us up so Steve will come back home and she won't have to work." Oh yeah and she "just doesn't like me". The judge told us both to grow up and then excused us.....with the cunt winning and wearing that stupid smirk on her ugly ass face. ARGH!!! I hate our court system. I can maybe...MAYBE understand the courts not issuing a no contact for me...but NOT issuing a "no contact" for P. Are you kidding me??? He has nightmares of the cunt coming to get us. What's wrong with the female judge???

But never fear friends, the judge did say that she's leaving the case open so that as soon as I get a text message, FB message or what not from the cunt, I can refile. Not to be a total bitch, but I'm hoping she contacts me soon!!!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Day 5

Today marks day 5 since I've had a drink. No cheating, no sneaking, NO drinking. Has it been hard, yes!!! But I have found that I've been sleeping better THAN EVER!!!! I even wake up BEFORE my alarm...okay, just shoot me for that. But honestly, I've been sleeping better than ever!! Who knew?!?! I mean, somewhere, in my "sober" brain, I always knew that I slept better and woke up more refreshed after not drinking. Although I KNEW all of this, I would still wind up having 1 glass of wine to relax from a hard day at work, 1 glass would soon lead to 2 glasses and before I knew it, 2 BOTTLES were gone and I would pass out and wake up feeling shitty. NO MORE!!!

I have to say that so far my brother has been a HUGE support system. In just 8 short days, he will have been sober for 1 year. I asked him if its tough... "everyday" he said. I asked him if he has ever wanted a drink SO bad that he just couldn't take it...."everyday" he said. He is now my rock. Who knew that the "little" brother would be taking care of his "big" sister??? But he's been there, he knows what I'm going through and he has promised to support me EVERY step of the way.

Do I have an end date in mind? No. There are pub crawls coming up this summer with my friends, will I drink? IDK yet. I hope not, but when in Reno! LOL. All I know is that if I want things to turn around, I'm the ONLY one who can do it. So I've made a promise to myself. If...IF I can last 6 months, I will get a new tattoo. And at the 1 year mark, I will get my Fairie wings that I have ALWAYS wanted. Steven has gone one step farther. If I can make it to the 6 month point, we are going to Hawaii. He will pay for EVERYTHING. Well if that isn't incentive, then IDK what is. I've never been to Hawaii. And Steven said that if I make it to the 1 year mark, then we are going to Paris. OMG!!! The City of Lights. I have ALWAYS dreamt about going to Paris. The shops! The food!! The Eiffel Tower. Come one, its the city of "love". I won't even go near the wine section of the grocery store if it means I get to go to Paris. I won't even mention the word "wine" if it means I get to go to Paris. Guess I better get my passport.

In the end, my little brother is right....1 day at a time. Today is day 5. Will I have a drink? NO!! Tomorrow is day 6. I won't even start thinking about tomorrow until I wake up in the morning. Then day 7, so on and so forth. One step at a time and One day at a time. If I happen to fall down, no big deal, I won't be hard on myself. I will just pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again. I WILL beat this and I WILL make Steven the happiest man on the planet. I know I can do this and I appreciate Steven's support SO much....SO much more than he will EVER know. I LOVE him. And I want to be the sweet, sweet ever loving GF that he sees when my "other" personality doesn't come out.

So as they say in our local afternoon radio program The Men's Room, "bottoms up sailors"'s to NO "liquor and whores"!!! And here's to Hawaii and Paris!!!

BTW~ I have LOST 3 pounds in the last 5 days from NOT drinking. Well if that isn't motivation, IDK what is. Me, a bikini and Hawaii with my soul mate=Heaven!!!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Tick Tock, Tick Tock

So I find myself FASTLY approaching 35....gasp!!! And in fastly approaching that age, I find myself yearning for a new baby. Master P will soon be turning 5 on the 23rd of May and at 35, I always pictured myself with a 2nd child. *sigh* Again trying to be honest and not really knowing what to say, I want a baby. Is it because my biological clock is going off or because my co-worker just had a baby OR is it because EVERYWHERE I go I see pregnant women, IDK.

I want to get big and "fat" with a baby. I want to read to him/her every night while still in the womb. I want to go 2 months without sleep. I want to feel him/her kick and roll around for the first time. I want to wonder for 10 months whom she or he will look like. What part of me will they get?? My eyes? The "Reilly" nose? What?? I want a baby. I want a baby, but I ALSO want a partner in this venture. So much more than in the past.

I want to smell that sweet, sweet smell of Johnson's and Johnson's bath wash. I want to be the Stay-at-home-Mom that welcomes her husband, with babe in arm, home from his busy day. I want to teach another child sign language and to count and say their alphabet in French....I want a baby.

How to get it or what it means. All I know is that my biological clock is going off and I want another baby before I'm 36. That gives me about 1 1/4 years. I just the perfect partner who also shares in this next venture of my life.

Sorry, don't mean to scare anyone off. But it's just how I feel. I DON'T need to have a baby to feel "Complete" I already have the perfect boy, but I have just always known that I would have two kids.

Monday, January 18, 2010

My Life in Lists

So after my last candid blog post (as Daylene noted) I thought I would let y'all into a little bit more of my psyche. Scary, isn't it?? I thought I would give you a list of my top 5 things in a few categories. Some are going to end up in your column of "well, DUH!" and some will be in the column of "oh WOW, I had NO idea." Shall we begin our journey into the dark, scary place known as my brain?!?!

My 5 Favorite Nostalgic Childhood Foods

  1. PB & J sandwiches with Grape jelly and cut into 4's
  2. Magic Shell
  3. Tang
  4. "fold over sandwiches" (ie just butter on a a piece of bread folded over)
  5. Lik-m-aid

The 5 Articles of Clothing I Would Remove From Existence

  1. Crocs and Uggs
  2. Cut off jean shorts (and, YES I used to wear the late 80's)
  3. Baggy jeans
  4. Pastels for men
  5. Low rise jeans...especially on people with muffin tops who show their thongs!

5 Things That Always Bring Tears To My Eyes

  1. Parents outliving their children
  2. The birth of a baby
  3. A wedding
  4. The tears of a loved one
  5. When Preston tells me that he loves me

The 5 Things I'd Take To A Desert Island

  1. Lotion
  2. Family Photos
  3. A Cashmere Blanket
  4. My iPod shuffle
  5. Preston

5 Things That ALWAYS Bring A Smile To My Face

  1. Preston
  2. Steven
  3. A good comedic movie
  4. Cuddling up with those that I love
  5. My family and friends

5 Things That Always Make Me Laugh

  1. Preston
  2. Steven
  3. People who shop at Wal-Mart
  4. When other people get hurt/fall
  5. People who carry their dogs around in their purses
  6. (this is an added bonus) Just stupid people in general. Like the DBag. =D

5 Things I Could NEVER Live Without

  1. Preston
  2. Laughter
  3. A good book
  4. Stormy weather, a fireplace and someone to cuddle up with
  5. Good friends, good food, good wine and family

5 More Things I Could Never Live Without

  1. A good Bra
  2. A nice pair of high heels, like Manolo, Jimmy Choo or Colin Stewart
  3. My hair straightener
  4. A tan
  5. Music

5 Movies I Could Watch Over and Over

  1. Some Like It Hot
  2. An Affair To Remember
  3. Super Troopers
  4. Dumb and Dumber
  5. Rocky Horror Picture Show

5 Of My Favorite Theatrical Productions

  1. Cats
  2. Cabaret
  3. The Nutcracker
  4. Wicked
  5. La Boheme

5 Things That Just Drive Me Nuts

  1. People who can't drive
  2. Stupid people in general
  3. Injustice
  4. The parenting laws in Washington State
  5. People who only look out for their own pocket books

5 Completely Random Facts

  1. I have 6 tattoos
  2. I have at one time had as many as 13 piercings
  3. I will ALWAYS be a California girl at heart
  4. Had my heart broken at 21, it was finally repaired before my 33rd birthday
  5. My son has me wrapped around his little finger and I spoil him rotten

5 Things I Miss Dearly

  1. Saturday morning Cartoons that lasted from 7am -Noon
  2. 3 months of Summer Vacation
  3. My Family
  4. My Friends in California
  5. My Guess jeans!!

So, that's my life in lists. What about you guys? What do you love? What do you love to hate? What just drives you nuts?!?! What do you miss??? Love to hear!!!

Thursday, January 14, 2010


I'm sitting here as Preston lays in a quiet slumber..okay NOT so quiet! I feel SO sorry for his future wife. That kid snores like there's no tomorrow. But IDK. I'm at a loss for words. I wish I could say something funny...something profound...something that someone could take away from this post and make their day better with, but I'm just not in that kind of mood. IDK why I'm here or what I'm trying to say. Perhaps I should talk about my New Year's goals. Perhaps I should recap 2009 for y'all. But I guess what I REALLY want to talk about is being a child of divorced parents.

It's NOT easy. I think the hardest toll is on us kids. We blame ourselves. Whether its our fault OR not (usually not) we blame ourselves. My parents got divorced when I was 2 years old. My little brother was barely out of the womb before the ink was dry on the divorce papers. I have NO recollection of time spent with my Dad other than a few pictures that I have seen here or there. And after he left, I ONLY saw him at certain holidays, my graduation (which I had to bully him into going to) and FINALLY my Wedding. Even after my wedding it was YEARS before I saw him again. I ALWAYS have to be the one to fly to Reno and his grandson was 2 BEFORE my Dad actually saw him in person. So going into a relationship with someone who is divorced with 2 kids and I myself, divorced with one, I think I have an unique perspective...or at least I would like to think so. Let me just say this: Disney and the other film studios have portrayed "Step-Moms" in a negative light. Lord knows that I have had my fair share...6 and counting. Did I like my latest "Step-Mom" at first??? NO. I was rude and mean to her. I told her that "I was too old for a Step-Mom and that I already had plenty of friends". Was I wrong??? YES. I was also 22, knew everything about the World and was COMPLETELY WRONG!!!!

I came to know and LOVE my Step-Mom for what she was and what she wasn't. She was/is MY friend. We found a common interest and common ground. IE: Horror movies and ghost stories. She believed in the super-natural like I did and didn't think I was crazy for it. She took an interest IN my interest. She saw me in my true light. A (at the time) 22 year old woman out on her own for the first time. And through my marriage, child birth and now, most recently, divorce, she has been by my side and utterly, sometimes brutally, honest. Have I always done things the "right" way?? NO, but who has??? She has LOVED me for me, not for what I wanted to be or for what I pretended to be, but for the REAL strings attached.

She has been completely, utterly and sometimes, sharply honest with me. But she knows that she can, cuz she knows that she's the ONLY one who can. We are NOT tied together by blood, but by friendship. And I MISS her dearly. You see, she lives in Reno with my Dad. That's 800 miles away from me. I love my Dad with ALL of my heart...once a Daddy's girl, ALWAYS a Daddy's girl. But sometimes I get the feeling that Dad doesn't really know what to do with me. I think he still sees me as the 2 year old girl that he left behind.

I'm all grown up now. Did he walk be down the aisle? NO, I believe that right is earned and NOT just given to you because you donated sperm. (BTW~my brother, John, walked me down the aisle at my wedding) But we do have common interest, my Dad and I. We both LOVE NASCAR, we love to golf and we love to play darts. And I KNOW that I can drink his old ass under the table!! LOL Yet, somehow he would rather do those things with my brothers. Well you know what they say "Whatever a boy can do, girls can do better". So I have found a kindred spirit in my Step-Mom. Will she ever replace my "real" mom??? NO. But when times get tough and I don't know where to turn and I need a true friend who will tell me the truth NOT just what I want to hear, I find that I ALWAYS turn to my Step-Mom. Not to mention, I can tell her the MOST intimate of details and NOT get embarrassed about it.

Man, Walt Disney, did you have Step-Moms pegged ALL wrong! And now that I find myself, at 34 in the role of a soon-to-be-someday Step-Mom, I see it SO much clearer. We are NOT the evil, horrid creatures that you made us out to be, that ALL of us girls grew up watching. I DO NOT want to stick my step-daughter in the highest tower of the tallest castle because she is more beautiful. (I mean obviously, her father married me for a reason.) I DO NOT want to send some witch after her with a basket full of apples to put her in a coma like state until a Prince can come kiss her and wake her up. I want the best for MY child AND MY step-children, if I should ever have them. I want my step-kids to know that they ARE NOT the only ones to have gone through a divorce. You DO NOT need a Prince OR Princess to come kiss you and wake you from a 100 year slumber. You are strong individuals whom I support fully in your endeavor, whatever that may be. I WILL NEVER take the place of your Mom, NOR do I want to. But, maybe...just maybe in a time of hardship, when you need someone AND no one else can understand, relate or listen, I WILL be there for you.