Thursday, January 14, 2010


I'm sitting here as Preston lays in a quiet slumber..okay NOT so quiet! I feel SO sorry for his future wife. That kid snores like there's no tomorrow. But IDK. I'm at a loss for words. I wish I could say something funny...something profound...something that someone could take away from this post and make their day better with, but I'm just not in that kind of mood. IDK why I'm here or what I'm trying to say. Perhaps I should talk about my New Year's goals. Perhaps I should recap 2009 for y'all. But I guess what I REALLY want to talk about is being a child of divorced parents.

It's NOT easy. I think the hardest toll is on us kids. We blame ourselves. Whether its our fault OR not (usually not) we blame ourselves. My parents got divorced when I was 2 years old. My little brother was barely out of the womb before the ink was dry on the divorce papers. I have NO recollection of time spent with my Dad other than a few pictures that I have seen here or there. And after he left, I ONLY saw him at certain holidays, my graduation (which I had to bully him into going to) and FINALLY my Wedding. Even after my wedding it was YEARS before I saw him again. I ALWAYS have to be the one to fly to Reno and his grandson was 2 BEFORE my Dad actually saw him in person. So going into a relationship with someone who is divorced with 2 kids and I myself, divorced with one, I think I have an unique perspective...or at least I would like to think so. Let me just say this: Disney and the other film studios have portrayed "Step-Moms" in a negative light. Lord knows that I have had my fair share...6 and counting. Did I like my latest "Step-Mom" at first??? NO. I was rude and mean to her. I told her that "I was too old for a Step-Mom and that I already had plenty of friends". Was I wrong??? YES. I was also 22, knew everything about the World and was COMPLETELY WRONG!!!!

I came to know and LOVE my Step-Mom for what she was and what she wasn't. She was/is MY friend. We found a common interest and common ground. IE: Horror movies and ghost stories. She believed in the super-natural like I did and didn't think I was crazy for it. She took an interest IN my interest. She saw me in my true light. A (at the time) 22 year old woman out on her own for the first time. And through my marriage, child birth and now, most recently, divorce, she has been by my side and utterly, sometimes brutally, honest. Have I always done things the "right" way?? NO, but who has??? She has LOVED me for me, not for what I wanted to be or for what I pretended to be, but for the REAL strings attached.

She has been completely, utterly and sometimes, sharply honest with me. But she knows that she can, cuz she knows that she's the ONLY one who can. We are NOT tied together by blood, but by friendship. And I MISS her dearly. You see, she lives in Reno with my Dad. That's 800 miles away from me. I love my Dad with ALL of my heart...once a Daddy's girl, ALWAYS a Daddy's girl. But sometimes I get the feeling that Dad doesn't really know what to do with me. I think he still sees me as the 2 year old girl that he left behind.

I'm all grown up now. Did he walk be down the aisle? NO, I believe that right is earned and NOT just given to you because you donated sperm. (BTW~my brother, John, walked me down the aisle at my wedding) But we do have common interest, my Dad and I. We both LOVE NASCAR, we love to golf and we love to play darts. And I KNOW that I can drink his old ass under the table!! LOL Yet, somehow he would rather do those things with my brothers. Well you know what they say "Whatever a boy can do, girls can do better". So I have found a kindred spirit in my Step-Mom. Will she ever replace my "real" mom??? NO. But when times get tough and I don't know where to turn and I need a true friend who will tell me the truth NOT just what I want to hear, I find that I ALWAYS turn to my Step-Mom. Not to mention, I can tell her the MOST intimate of details and NOT get embarrassed about it.

Man, Walt Disney, did you have Step-Moms pegged ALL wrong! And now that I find myself, at 34 in the role of a soon-to-be-someday Step-Mom, I see it SO much clearer. We are NOT the evil, horrid creatures that you made us out to be, that ALL of us girls grew up watching. I DO NOT want to stick my step-daughter in the highest tower of the tallest castle because she is more beautiful. (I mean obviously, her father married me for a reason.) I DO NOT want to send some witch after her with a basket full of apples to put her in a coma like state until a Prince can come kiss her and wake her up. I want the best for MY child AND MY step-children, if I should ever have them. I want my step-kids to know that they ARE NOT the only ones to have gone through a divorce. You DO NOT need a Prince OR Princess to come kiss you and wake you from a 100 year slumber. You are strong individuals whom I support fully in your endeavor, whatever that may be. I WILL NEVER take the place of your Mom, NOR do I want to. But, maybe...just maybe in a time of hardship, when you need someone AND no one else can understand, relate or listen, I WILL be there for you.


Anonymous said...
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Day said...

Wow! That's the most candid thing I have every read in your blog! Hope things are going ok for you. =)

SteveBargelt said...

Awesome post Marti. Thank you for sharing!

It means a lot to me that you have "experience" with he step-mom role even if it is from the opposite side of the equation.