Monday, February 8, 2010

Nightmare on Elm Street

The picture actually has a double meaning because the cunt does wear tacky sweaters, but she also invades my childs dreams. While I have to LOL at the first part, I cry with the fact that she scares my child.

Ever since the cunt spoke to Master P in the parking lot of our home during the summer of 2009, he has been having reoccurring nightmares that the "bad lady" is coming to kill me and to "get" him. I'm NOT quite sure what "get" him means, he refuses to elaborate, but it pisses me off. I try to calm him down and soothe him, like any good Mother would, but the dreams continue. He wakes up screaming at the top of his lungs for me in the middle of the night. He wakes up with the shakes and cold sweats, but the courts didn't seem to think that that mattered. My father, who is American Indian, bought P a dream catcher and had it blessed, that, however, hasn't seemed to help. IDK what to do. He is petrified that the "bad lady" is coming to get us. Its gotten so bad, that he refuses to sleep by himself or with the lights off. He's afraid that if he doesn't sleep with me that the "bad lady" is going to kill me. ARGH!!! A 4 YEAR OLD SHOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THIS. He keeps asking me if I'll watch over him when I go to Heaven soon. FUCK ME!!!!

Some nights are better than others, of course. The nightmares seem to be worse after he spends the weekend with his best friend, Z, who happens to be the cunt aka "bad lady"s daughter. His most recent nightmare was Sunday night. I'm at my wits end.

I DID not tell him that I went to court and that they ruled against us. I thought that would only play into his fears. I just try to reassure him, as best as I can, that he's safe with me and with his Daddy and no one will EVER hurt him. Of course, if they try, then I will rip their throats out with a smile and happily spend the rest of my life in jail!!! You don't FUCK with my child! He constantly asks that the "white light" surrounds him, his Mommy and our house. Sadly, I've done everything I can do legally. Now, I guess I'll have to leave it up to karma. OH how I hope I'll get to be the one to shove the karma up her narrow, flat ass. Usually it doesn't happen that way, but one can hope.

I'm at my wits end. Do any of you have any suggestions?!?! This is too much pressure for a 4 year old to handle. He's a sweet and caring soul and worries about his Mommy WAY too much. =( Makes me want to cry.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Day 2

So today is day 2. And I have to say, so far, so good. I woke up this morning with the love of my life by my side. He told me that he loved me. To add to my excitement, I'm such a lucky girl, he got up with the kids at 7am and let me sleep in until about 9am. It was nice considering that I haven't really had a good nights sleep in over 3 days. I LOVE him SO much.

Today is day 2. Its been....nice. This morning Steven went on a bike ride with his two kids, which left me alone with Preston. Normally boredom is something that leads me to start drinking, but today we got out of the house and did stuff. It was an unusually GORGEOUS February day in Washington, so I took Master P to the driving range. Nothing like a little workout to ease the urges. OMG!!! We had SO much fun. He got complimented by EVERYONE on his form and his golf swing. *proud Mom bows* (Thank you, thank you, he's a natural, NO instruction what-so-ever.) We had a GREAT time, just me and Master P. Even I was hitting the balls good. They were flying straight and far with that little "ting" from the driver to let you know when you hit it right on.

Tonight we are looking forward to having Steve and Z spend the night at our house. I want to show and to prove to Steve that I can keep a promise. I can fight my own demons for the sake of our relationship and that I'm NOT a horrible mother. I just hope I can succeed.

Tomorrow, as most of you know, is the Super Bowl. The drinking day of drinking days right after St. Patty's day. In years past, I would go over a friend's house and we would bet with drinks. For example: You bet on who wins the coin toss, loser drinks. Who scores the 1st touchdown, loser drinks. The first points are a result of a field goal, loser drinks. As you can see, we would be FUCKED UP before the end of the first quarter....NOT this year. The ONLY drinking I will be doing is water and Gatorade 2 (G2). At least I'll get to see the half time performance before I pass out this year.

But its worth it. I have MY boys with me tomorrow. And they are worth it! I AM WORTH IT!!!

Day 1 part deux (times a thousand)

` I was doing so good, damn-it, then I went to court and lost to the cunt. ARGH!!! Well that just sent me on a downward spiral....I went on pretty much a 3 day binger. Back to my old habits of drinking wine to ease the pain and pissing off those that I love. I won't rehash the court post, you can read it for yourself, but let's just say that I'm TOTALLY, COMPLETELY, UTTERLY pissed off at the State of Washington, the City of Kent and their eff-ing judges, but I digress. Anyhow as I was saying, I turned to my friend Mr. Wine to ease the pain and disappointment. The first day, I held it together pretty well...although Steven had to put me to bed at 6:30pm ONLY for me to pop up wide awake at 10:30pm to want to do it all again. The next day it got worse. I started fights with him via texts, he took back his house keys, more fights via texts. Then name calling, cheap shots AND lies....ALL on my part. What can I say??? I'm a horrible bitch of a drunk.

So what is a girl to do after she's fucked everything up??? The ONLY thing she can do, I begged and pleaded for forgiveness....again!!! On hands and knees I grovelled. Its wasn't a pretty sight, I'll tell you that. Once I would wake up from my stupor, I realized what I had done. I pushed away my soul mate. OMG, I'm a fucking bitch!!! No, no, really you all can agree.

Now what?, you might be asking. Well now I start all over again. Back to day one, for the thousandth time. Day one.....a day that he shouldn't have given me. Day one....a day that he DID give me. He agreed to talk (again) if I was sober....and I was. It was....easy, dare I say. I didn't even want to look at, think about or see a bottle of wine or an ounce of alcohol. I want to be a better woman for him.....and more importantly for Master P. I want to be there for them in spirit and in person. I was there in body, but not in other capacity.

Its tough, I'm NOT going to lie. But BOTH of the men in my life are SO totally worth the fight. I just hope that they know it. And so, Day 1 is done and over with. I didn't even think about having a drink, I didn't even WANT to have a drink. I just wanted to end the day with MY boys!!!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Court sucks

For those of you who are my "friends" on facebook you already know this, for those of you who aren't, let me recap: On January 21st I filed an anti-harassment restraining order against the cunt...aka, Steve's ex wife, for me AND Preston (that's the important part, keep that part in mind). Today, February 3rd was our court date. And OMFG, things DID NOT turn out how I hoped. =(

I got to court early, our hearing was scheduled for 8:30am, I was there at 8:15. Finally at about 11am, it was my turn. I presented my case....with evidence. Like all of her FB messages to me, emails and over 1000 texts (no shittin) from her and her "son". She then presented her side. My emails to her, etc, etc. The judge heard both sides. I looked professional with ALL evidence in order, dressed in my most responsible looking outfit, and I was looking DAMN good, might I just say. Even my hair was having a good day. She looked like a homeless person with scraps of paper scattered here and there, dressed in what I'm pretty sure are Steve's old clothes, no makeup and I'm sure that she doesn't own a brush. Sadly, in the end, the judge said that she just didn't see any form of "unlawful" harassment *record scratches* EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME?!?! The cunt VERBALLY threatened MY son. Her kids will ONLY refer to me as "the bitch"....including the 4 year old. I have over 394 texts from the cunt in a span of 2 1/2 days. 2 1/2 days people!!! How does that NOT meet the definition of "unlawful" harassment?!?! I mean, BOTH Steve and I have told her to leave me the fuck alone. And yet she continues to harass me.

Am I completely innocent in the case...NO! I did text her back. But still. She has let air out of my tires, keyed my car and harassed me AND my son to no end. Still, the judge didn't see anything wrong with that. I brought up the point that the cunt has a DV charge and vandalism charge against her in Pierce county. And still, no "unlawful" harassment. WTF does she have to do, kill me,before they take this seriously?!?! No wonder our system is SO screwed up. ARGH. I'm so BEYOND frustrated and disappointed. And the worst part was having to watch the cunt walk out of that court room with a stupid smirk on her ugly face. Makes me just want to punch her.

IDK what to do next. I know she won't stop. Oh sure, things will quiet down for a few months, but she'll start up again. And when the Judge asked the cunt why she texts me so much, you know what the DBag said? Because she "just doesn't like me". Are you kidding me??? Grow up, you are 40 years old. Get a life...or better yet, get a job for that matter.

Maybe I did something wrong. Maybe I didn't bring enough evidence to court with me. But come on. I have 3 months worth of text records from her. Umpteen FB messages and emails from her. I even brought copies of emails that Steven had sent to her asking her to stop contacting me. Her only explanation...hope you're sitting down for this. She "wants to break us up so Steve will come back home and she won't have to work." Oh yeah and she "just doesn't like me". The judge told us both to grow up and then excused us.....with the cunt winning and wearing that stupid smirk on her ugly ass face. ARGH!!! I hate our court system. I can maybe...MAYBE understand the courts not issuing a no contact for me...but NOT issuing a "no contact" for P. Are you kidding me??? He has nightmares of the cunt coming to get us. What's wrong with the female judge???

But never fear friends, the judge did say that she's leaving the case open so that as soon as I get a text message, FB message or what not from the cunt, I can refile. Not to be a total bitch, but I'm hoping she contacts me soon!!!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Day 5

Today marks day 5 since I've had a drink. No cheating, no sneaking, NO drinking. Has it been hard, yes!!! But I have found that I've been sleeping better THAN EVER!!!! I even wake up BEFORE my alarm...okay, just shoot me for that. But honestly, I've been sleeping better than ever!! Who knew?!?! I mean, somewhere, in my "sober" brain, I always knew that I slept better and woke up more refreshed after not drinking. Although I KNEW all of this, I would still wind up having 1 glass of wine to relax from a hard day at work, 1 glass would soon lead to 2 glasses and before I knew it, 2 BOTTLES were gone and I would pass out and wake up feeling shitty. NO MORE!!!

I have to say that so far my brother has been a HUGE support system. In just 8 short days, he will have been sober for 1 year. I asked him if its tough... "everyday" he said. I asked him if he has ever wanted a drink SO bad that he just couldn't take it...."everyday" he said. He is now my rock. Who knew that the "little" brother would be taking care of his "big" sister??? But he's been there, he knows what I'm going through and he has promised to support me EVERY step of the way.

Do I have an end date in mind? No. There are pub crawls coming up this summer with my friends, will I drink? IDK yet. I hope not, but when in Reno! LOL. All I know is that if I want things to turn around, I'm the ONLY one who can do it. So I've made a promise to myself. If...IF I can last 6 months, I will get a new tattoo. And at the 1 year mark, I will get my Fairie wings that I have ALWAYS wanted. Steven has gone one step farther. If I can make it to the 6 month point, we are going to Hawaii. He will pay for EVERYTHING. Well if that isn't incentive, then IDK what is. I've never been to Hawaii. And Steven said that if I make it to the 1 year mark, then we are going to Paris. OMG!!! The City of Lights. I have ALWAYS dreamt about going to Paris. The shops! The food!! The Eiffel Tower. Come one, its the city of "love". I won't even go near the wine section of the grocery store if it means I get to go to Paris. I won't even mention the word "wine" if it means I get to go to Paris. Guess I better get my passport.

In the end, my little brother is right....1 day at a time. Today is day 5. Will I have a drink? NO!! Tomorrow is day 6. I won't even start thinking about tomorrow until I wake up in the morning. Then day 7, so on and so forth. One step at a time and One day at a time. If I happen to fall down, no big deal, I won't be hard on myself. I will just pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again. I WILL beat this and I WILL make Steven the happiest man on the planet. I know I can do this and I appreciate Steven's support SO much....SO much more than he will EVER know. I LOVE him. And I want to be the sweet, sweet ever loving GF that he sees when my "other" personality doesn't come out.

So as they say in our local afternoon radio program The Men's Room, "bottoms up sailors"'s to NO "liquor and whores"!!! And here's to Hawaii and Paris!!!

BTW~ I have LOST 3 pounds in the last 5 days from NOT drinking. Well if that isn't motivation, IDK what is. Me, a bikini and Hawaii with my soul mate=Heaven!!!