Wednesday, September 30, 2009

One of these days, Alice. ZOOM!!! Right to the moon!

As promised in a prior post, I said that I would tell you about my "fight" in the parking lot! I swear, I felt like the Warriors vs. the Riffs. Anyhow, it happened on my own home turf....literally, well not my grass, cuz well, I live in an apartment and I don't have any grass...nor do I have a lawn! =) I guess I should say that it happened on my own home asphalt.

About 2 Fridays ago, I picked P-man up like normal. We stopped for donuts...why, cuz I spoil the crap out of my son. Sue me. I just feel bad for his future girlfriends and wife. LAWL. Anyways, I saw that we were running pretty close to 6pm which is when the witch comes out of her dark hole and drops the kids off at Steven's. So I decided to run a few errands. I DID NOT want to run into the cunt in the parking lot. You can see where this is going, can't you? Yup, so in all of my diligence, the cunt was late and I was late and well....we ran into each other in the parking lot.

Okay, let me back up a second. So driving in the complex, we ran into some of Preston's friends and they wanted him to go to the park with them. No prob, I thought I would just drive over and drop P off at the park. Well I get out of the car to let P out and we're talking to his little friends when this butt ass ugly Witch Mobile (green minivan) stops next to us. I look up and its none other than the c*nt!!! So being the very classy person that she is, she starts yelling and swearing at me in front of a 4 year old, a 7 year old and an 8 year old. My Goddess!! I may use foul language, but she would make a long shore-man, who spent 40 years in the Navy and drove Big Rigs blush!!! db even went as far as to speak DIRECTLY to Preston (and his friends) and tell him that his mother was a home wrecking bitch. W.T.F?!?!? Of course he started to cry. And that's when I went ALL ghetto-white-girl-crazy on her fat @$$. I told her to get the F*&^ out of the car and fight like an adult, she didn't...of course. What did she do? She called her 12(?) year old son. REAL MATURE douche bag!!! Oh and then she called Steve to tell him that I started it. W.T.F?!? Are you serious?!? I did get some good digs in though. I told her that she was a stupid bitch, that she needed to learn how to wear her hair and make-up, to get a J-O-B, to learn how to dress and that she needed to lose some weight and grow some boobs. WHAT?!?!? I can't help it that God gave me a 2nd helping in the breast line!!! Oh and that her breath stunk SO bad that I could smell her coming a mile away!!! *giggle* *hangs head in shame* Sorry, but I know that she is a VERY self-conscience person, so I attacked her weak point.

I know, I should've been the bigger person. The more mature person. But you know what? Once she personally attacked my son, the gloves were off!! I SO wish she would've gotten out of that mini-van. I would've tore her @$$ up! But of course, she will ONLY say something to me when the kids are around or when Steve is around and she knows that he will step in. Really if we EVER (God willing) ran into each other alone, she would look down at the floor and keep walking in her mousey way. Seriously, you should see her walk. Its like Quasimodo! I wonder who's ringing the bell at Notre Dame when she's gone!

So, I have to know what do you think?!?! Was I wrong to start yelling back at her and tell her to get out of the car?!? What would you have done??

Week 4 & the week I STOP picking the Steelers!

Its that time of the week again. Nope NOT when I get into a fight in the parking lot with the Douche Bag, but football picks time. Say, did I tell you about our "fight" in the parking lot? NO?!? Well my bad...but this post is about my football pix. I'll have to tell you about our fight next time! So last week, I regained my top prognosticator position! About time! I picked 12 of the 16. I mean WHO knew that the Lions would win?!? I guess they were due. But without further ado my picks for Week 4!

  • Giants vs. Chiefs

  • Bucs vs. Redskins

  • Titans vs. Jags

  • SeaHawks vs. Indy

  • Raiders vs. Texans

  • Bengals vs. Browns

  • Lions vs. Bears (OH MY)

  • Ravens vs. Pats (okay this was a TOUGH pick for me!)

  • Bills vs. Dolphins

  • J-E-T-S vs. Saints (again another TOUGH pick!)

  • Cowboys vs. Saints

  • Chargers vs. Steelers (that's right, eff you Shitsburgh!)

  • Rams vs. 49ers

  • Packers vs. Vikings

IDK. This week was a really tough week for me to pick. There were SEVERAL match-ups where I would want both teams to win, but since that doesn't happen, I went with the best home/away record and even sometimes that was even, so then since I'm such a girlie girl I went with which uniform colors I liked best! I know, I'm lame! Bring on Sunday and the pigskin!!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

It can ONLY get better!!

Week 3 is upon us. Ashlee and I did our picks at work today. I get SO excited when the new pick sheets come out!! I'm really hoping that I can redeem myself from my dismal showing last week. I only picked 7 right. Oh well, I beat Ashlee, she only got 6 right! Without further ado...

  • Falcons vs. Pats (Pats)

  • Titans vs. J-E-T-S (J-E-T-S)

  • Giants vs. Bucs (Giants)

  • Packers vs. Rams (Packers)

  • Browns vs. Ravens (Ravens)

  • Redskins vs. Lions (Lions) Okay, honestly, WHO saw THAT coming?

  • Jags vs. Texans (Jags)

  • 49ers vs. Vikings (Vikings)

  • Chiefs vs. Eagles (what up Twins!!) (Eagles)

  • Saints vs. Bills (Saints)

  • (da) Bears vs. SeaHawks (I know, I know I went against the hawks at home!!) (DA Bears)

  • Steelers vs. Bengals (Bengals)

  • Dolphins vs. Chargers (Chargers)

  • Broncos vs. Raiders (Broncos)

  • Colts vs. Cardinals (Colts)

  • Panthers vs. Cowboys (Cowboys)

YES I KNOW!!! I went against the Hawks at home AND the Raiders at home. AND I picked the Steelers. I'm sure H3ll is beginning to freeze over as we speak. ARGH!! Perhaps it's Steven who is brain washing me with all of his black and gold (its really yellow) stuff!!! Oh well, can't wait for Sunday to see how I do this week!!

So let me know. Do you agree or disagree with my picks? How are you doing so far this season?

The week were both the Steelers and SeaHawks fuck me!

Here we are at week 2 of the season. I did pretty good last week. Seems like the 1st week was a pretty big no-brainer. The teams that you knew were going to win, won. But will week 2 shape up? Again my picks are in purple.

  • Pats vs. J-E-T-S (Jets win)

  • Saints vs. Eagles (Saints win)

  • Rams vs. Redskins (Skins win)

  • Cards vs. Jags (Cards win)

  • Panthers vs. Falcons (Falcons win)

  • Vikings vs. Lions (Vikings win)

  • Bengals vs. Packers (Bengals win)

  • Texans vs. Titans (Texans win)

  • Raiders vs. Chiefs (Raiders win)

  • Tampa Bay Bucs vs. Bills (Bills win)

  • Seahawks vs. 49ers (49ers win)

  • Ravens vs. Chargers (Ravens win)

  • Steelers vs. (da) Bears (Bears win)

  • Browns vs. Broncos (Broncos win)

  • Giants vs. Cowboys (Giants win)

  • Colts vs. Dolphins (Colts win)

Well, I got pretty much screwed over last Sunday!! Thank Goddess, I wasn't putting money down on my picks. ARGH!!! It was a frustrating week. See if I ever pick the Steelers again!! A-holes!! I give you a little bit of faith and you screw me over! I'm NOT!! See y'all in Week 3.

We MUST protect this House!

As you all know football season is here!! Can I get a Woot Woot?!?! Seriously, its the ONLY thing to pretty much keep me from slashing my wrists during the Fall. And after that comes hockey season. Thank God for sports!!! Anywho, I thought I would post my picks each week. That way you can see either how good...or how bad I did. And incase you are wondering, YES, the smack talk between me and Steve has already begun....actually it started during pre-season! LOL

So, I know that we are already approaching Week 3, but I thought I would go back (and honestly) post my picks and the winners. I think some of you might be surprised with some of my picks. My picks will be in Purple! =D

  • Tennessee Titans vs. Pittsburgh Steelers (Steelers win)

  • Miami Dolphins vs. Altlanta Falcons (Falcons win)

  • KC Chiefs vs. Baltimore Ravens (Ravens win)

  • Philly Eagles (shout out to the TT!!!) vs. Carolina Panthers (Eagles win)

  • Minnesota Vikings vs. Cleveland Browns (Vikings win)

  • Jacksonville Jaguars vs. Indy Colts (Indy wins)

  • Dallas Cowboys vs. Tampa Bay Bucs (Cowboys win)

  • Detroit Lions vs. N.O Saints (Saints win)

  • New York Jets vs. Houston Texans (J-e-t-s win)

  • Denver Broncos vs. Cini Bengals (Broncos win)

  • SF 49ers vs. Arizona Cardinals (49ers win)

  • St. Louis Rams vs. Seattle Seahawks (Hawks win)

  • Chicago (da) Bears vs. Green Bay Packers (Packers win)

  • Buffalo Bills vs. NE Pats (Pats win)

  • San Diego Chargers vs. Oakland Raiders (Chargers win)

As you can see, I didn't do half bad for week one. I picked 13 winners!!! (DAMN RAIDERS!!) And yes, you read right, I picked the Steelers. Hey they may not be my fav team, but I'm not a dummy either. This is a competition and I'm gonna win!!! As they say on any given Sunday, there is a loser and a winner. See you next Sunday!!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Are you in OR are you out?!?!

Its no secret to those of you that follow me on Twitter or are my "friends" on facebook that I'm plannng an 80's party for Steven's ____th (rhymes with Sporty) Birthday. In preparation for the party, I managed to use my Super-Spy Secret Squirrel training and retrieved a copy of the coveted Senior Year YearBook from 1987.....ok, so he gave it to me! And might I just add, Sucka!!! Needless to say, it gave Ashlee and myself quite a few laughs...which is why my year books are safely hidden and packed away!!! Anywho, in the process of making fun of people...err, I mean doing reseach, we can across a totally awesome "In and Out" list from 1987. So let's see, according to Lakes High School 1987, are you In or are you Out??


  • Big and Baggy Shirts
  • Black or Dark Clothes (Ahhh the start of the emo era)
  • California (Can I get a Woot Woot!!)
  • Compact Discs
  • College Sweatshirts
  • Colored Hair Gel (ahh the start of the poser era. just use real dye for Pete sake!)
  • Computers
  • David Letterman
  • Diet Coke
  • Flame-broiled Burgers (Whoppers are tasty!!)
  • Gucci
  • Gubby and Pokey (Ahh-huh huh, they said Pokey!!)
  • Having your own car & license (Honestly, was there a time that this was "out"?!?!)
  • Health Food
  • Keds (hmm, I'm picturing Keds and a Gucci purse...Stylin!)
  • Laser Tag
  • McDonald's
  • New York Seltzer (Honestly this was the shyt!! Awesome flavors and wicked burps!)
  • Parties
  • Pastels (Nothing says I'm hip like guys wearing a pastel pink Polo Shirt)
  • Portable Radios (I'm totally picturing John Cusack ala "Say Anything")
  • Rapping
  • Retainers
  • Scooters
  • Seahawks
  • Seniors (I'm guessing they don't mean old people)
  • Skateboarding
  • Stonewashed Jeans (perferably skin tight...yummy! NOT!)
  • Stress (okay, are you friggin kidding me? Stress?!?! Since when is it cool to be stressed)
  • Sweatpants (Oh yeah, another HOT fashion look! *note the sarcasm*)
  • Turtlenecks (please there is only ONE reason to wear a turtle neck!!!)
  • Walkmans
  • Yo-Yos (Okay, who the h3ll surveyed that kid?!?!)


  • Abbreviating Words ie. Luv, wuz, frenz (okay hold up, how is wuz the abbreviation for was? Its still 3 letters long?!?!)
  • Bleached Hair
  • Braces (oh yeah, cuz having braces USED to be SOOO totally cool!!)
  • Burger King (*tires screeching* Ummm, I thought that flame-broiled burgers are in. Where else do you get flame-broiled burgers?!?!)
  • Commitment (Can I get a Woot Woot for free-love!!)
  • Communism
  • Discos (pretty sure that went out with the Bee Gees in the EARLY 80's. just saying)
  • Dr Ruth
  • Dungeons and Dragons (I think someone forgot to tell an entire generation of geeks!)
  • Hair Clips
  • Hairspray (Ummm, ever seen the hair in the 80's?? it was ALL about the hairspray!)
  • K-mart
  • Leg Warmers
  • Madonna Wanna-be's
  • MTV
  • Narcs (yes, because telling on your friends USED to be SOO cool!)
  • New Coke
  • "On Board" Signs
  • Overdone Makeup
  • Parachute Pants (and so is M.C. Hammers career!)
  • Pastels (*tires screech* Ummm...wasn't Pastels on our IN list?!?! Did they just survey the kids that ride the little yellow school bus?!?!)
  • Peace Signs
  • Rambo
  • Rocky (That's right, Lakes High single handedly ended Stallione's career!)
  • Smurfs (WTF?!?! Oh h3ll no! the Smurfs will always ROCK!)
  • Spike High Heels (obviously, I NEVER got that memo. Have you seen my shoes?!?)
  • Stirrup Pants (Don't worry, Ashlee and I are bringing them back!!)
  • Tight clothes (oh yeah guys, cuz nothing and I do mean NOTHING makes a girl swoon like seeing your dirty ass boxer while you are constantly pulling up your size 4X jeans!)
  • V-neck Sweaters (but, what will I wear over my turtleneck that's SO in??)

NOT that any of you asked, but there you have it. The IN'S and OUT'S of 1987 according to the fashion forward kids at Lakes High School! *mumbles to self* (Seriously, no stirrup-pants or Smufs?!?! WTF people. W.T.F?!?)

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I'm braking the habit tonight!!!

The "experts" (whoever they are) say that it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. Well, starting tonight,I'm going to break my habit. It started innocently enough as most habits do. A glass of wine after work. Which then led to a glass of wine after work and one with dinner. Which then led to a glass of wine after work, one with dinner and one after that. Before I knew it, I was downing a bottle a night. Now don't get me wrong, I wouldn't call myself an's not like I NEED the wine to get me through the day, but still, more often than not, I find myself gravitating to the bottle. I would HATE to figure up how much I have spent on wine in the last 6 months of living on my own....and maybe that's just it...maybe I drink out of boredom like some people eat out of boredom. Anyhow, whatever the reason, it stops tonight.

The sad thing is....I just don't know how to do it. Cold turkey, join a support group, go exercise. (Damn if that's the answer, I'll NEVER get out of the gym.) Its become a habit for me. I stop at my fav place on the way home, pickup a bottle and enjoy my evening, but the bottle has started to fuck with me. I've been having insomnia like NO other. Sure I fall asleep (aka pass out) just fine, but I wake up at 3am with a splitting headache then I'm up until 7 and just when I'm starting to go back to sleep, that damn alarm goes off!! Its fucking with my personal AND maybe more importantly, professional life. I can barely keep my eyes open at work. So tonight it ends!

IDK what it is, genetics, the thought of independence, rebellion, sneaking it from whomever, IDK, but it ends tonight! Sadly the "fruit of the Gods" has really done nothing more than wrecked havoc on my life. I have fought with my Love, giving up hobbies, ignored friends, etc...all I can think about is grabbin another glass of wine. Red, White, Rose it doesn't matter, I LOVE them all. But tonight it ends.

Not to mention that I have put on about 10 pounds in the last year from drinking alone. I know it won't be easy...the right thing NEVER is, but I'm I'm sure, it'll be worth it. I LOVE my size 8 pants, which might sound big to some of you, but the last time I was a size 8 was when I was getting married 8 years ago (I have wide hips, which became wider after having a baby, so sue me!). I was in peak form then. Working out 5 days/week, eating right, not really drinking except MAYBE on the weekends.

The easiest time for me to quit drinking was when I was pregnant with P-man. A friend once told me to just pretend that I was pregnant, that would help. The downside was that my brain knew I wasn't and so I would crave the "sauce". IDK who to blame it's so much easier that way, don't you think? Perhaps, my alcoholic Grandparents on both sides? I mean, some of my fondest memories are of family parties where the adults are playing poker and Uncle Kermit gets so drunk that he falls down, skins his knee and then ends up in the pool. Or is it my Irish heritage or my Indian heritage for that matter? My loneliness? Perhaps even something deeper...maybe I'm just not happy with myself and the way things are. (WOW, that's deep). But whatever the reason, it ends tonight.

See here's where things start to suck. On Saturday Steven and I are going to see Wicked. It would be nice to have some wine at dinner or at intermission. I'm throwing Steven's birthday party on October 10th, again would be nice to have a drink. We are going away on a secret vacation the 23rd of October, would be nice to drink. Is it an illusion to think that I can have a few drinks on those "special" nights then nothing during the week? And of course, football season starts this Thursday. For me football=beer. W.T.F is wrong with me?!? (Starting to sound like an alcoholic yet?) If it doesn't revolve around food or booze then I want NO part of it. Perhaps it would be better if I were preggo, then I would have a valid excuse to not drink. Perhaps its that I've ALWAYS been known as the "party girl" if I lose that identity, then what do I have!?!? Will I still be fun to be around?!? IDK, honestly, I hate crowds. Alcohol makes me lose my inhibitions....WOW that sounds like something you would hear in AA!! I like to think that generally, I'm a "people person" but, IDK, I get REALLY shy around new people and alcohol makes me to go talk to them.

I don't care, whatever the reason(s) it stops tonight. In the words of Linkin Park "I don't know what's worth fighting for Or why I have to scream, I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean. I don't know how I got this way, I know it's not alright, So I'm breaking the habit TONIGHT"

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I Do!

Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary. I say would have been, because as of March 20th of 2009, I have been divorced. Its sad for me. However, on one hand, I LOVE where my life is going. On the other hand, I miss what would have been. I miss being a wife. In fact, I LOVED being a wife. I miss being a Mrs. I remember EVERY aspect of today. Just ask 4am, I know what I was doing. At 8am, I know where I was. At 3 pm, I know what I was decorating and at 5 pm, I know what I was drinking.

I remember waking up that Saturday morning hearing the saddest news of my dearest friends had died of "AIDS" and another one of my long time neighbors ( who was there when my Mom was born) had died as well....perhaps that was an omen. But still the day went on. I waited anxiously for my BFF, Kim to bring me my Happy Meal while I perfected my make up for the 5th time. I was bound to get it right. I wanted this day to be WAS GOING TO BE PERFECT!! My Maid of Honor and most dearest friends, Patty was up from California...she brought the tequila...she knows what I like and knows what calms my nerves....ever aspect of that day, I remember. I remember my Mom walking back into the Bride's room after seeing Todd in his tux for the first time and crying, Mom was in charge of the boutonnieres. I thought "OMG, he changed his mind"....funny now to think that I'm the one that changed her mind. I remember my brother, John, dressed in his tux riding his skateboard around the grounds while we were trying to take our picture. I remember arguing with my bride's maids about who was going to hold my dress up because I had to go to the bathroom. I remember almost being late to the alter because Patty kept offering us "one last" shot of tequila, and my friend Dawn being the "party pooper" because she wouldn't partake in the tradition. I remember the smell of the ocean air, the way the sun shown, the way my flowers from Pike's Place Market smelt. I remember thinking "I should have asked my Dad to walk me down the aisle" Although my Brother was the one to stand by my side just has he had always done when we were kids. I remember all of this and much more. I remember starting the ceremony, facing each other just as a ski boat with twin-jet engines roared up and then cut off the engines to watch, thinking "OMG, he's going to ruin the ceremony". I remember not getting a piece of my wedding cake (beside what was shoved up my nose) because I was too busy dancing with my friends and out of town guests....I remember the bouquet toss (Tonya caught it) and the garter toss (my Brother caught it...yeah that's just weird). I remember the new 2001 Black Dodge Dakota being decorated by my Brother, my Uncle and our other friends. I remember all of this and more.

I wonder though, as the years go by and the memories fade, what will I remember? Will I forget any of it? Will I forget how nervous I was saying my vows? Will I forget the people that where there? The friends that flew in that day and flew out that night? The way that my Star Gazer Lilies from Pike's Place Market smelled? Will I forever remember how nervous I was with the expectation that came along with the wedding ring, to now and forever be Mrs. Russell?

Honestly, I hope I don't forget any of it. Yes, times change, people change. I am no longer Mrs. Russell, but rather Ms. Russell. However, it was the second best day of my life (aside from Preston being born), so far and I wouldn't change any of it. And with that tonight, I shall eat my cake, drink my wine and say Happy Anniversary to Me!

You want me to put my mouth where?!?!

I'm not sure how many of you are aware of this, but on Labor Day (Monday) writer, director and actor extraordinaire, Kevin Smith (Silent Bob from Clerks) hosted a 24 hour Tweet-a-thon. Basically you could tweet Kevin and if you were one of the lucky ones (of which Steve and I were NOT...that fat bastard, see if I EVER watch Jersey Girl or Clerks again!!) he would answer your question.

BTW~let me interject here and just say that I.AM.TOTALLY.FUCKING.STOKED.BEYOND.BELIEF.THAT.STEVE.AND.I.ARE.GOING.TO.SEE.HIM.IN.OCTOBER! Not that I'm bragging or anything. *neener, neener, we have tickets and you don't*

Anyhow. 1 question he was asked made me think. I'm paraphrasing, but the question went something like this "have you ever received a bad blow job" Again paraphrasing, but Kevin's answer went something like this: "there's no such thing as a bad blow job."

I just had to stop and politely disagree with Sir Kevin Smtih, right there! Obviously I don't get, have never and WILL never be on the RECEIVING end of a BJ, but I have had a couple of people dine at the "Y". And let's just say that not ALL of them have been the best of customers. Some patrons have been sloppy, rude or don't even finish! (and what's with this back and forth head thing like all he is doing is shaking his head "NO"?? REALLY?!?! Like that's gonna get me off) Do you know how hard it is to fake an "O" while someone is giving you oral?!? You try it. Go on, I dare you! It's virtually impossible!!! And it pun intended. While he was grubbing down his "meal", I was going over my finite calculus-trig homework that was assigned less than 2 hours ago!!! (and if I didn't have to 'show" my work, I'd be rocking that shyt). I mean, I was trying to figure out how Superman managed to rotate the Earth the other way without causing mass destruction. I was tyring to figure out who the shooter on the grassy knoll was. Hell! I was even trying to figure out what I was going to wear the next day with my knee high combat boots & stripped tights....skirt or shorts?!?!

Listen, I'm a NOT "professional" by ANY means, but I do, sort of, pride myself on my ability to "give" (if you know what I mean). Now, I haven't had any formal training, I haven't read any books nor have I gone to any classes (although how friggin cool would that be?!?!) but you sorta learn along the way. I mean you pick this shyt up in the locker room or in the hall between classes from your BFF's older sister or what not. All us females know Rule #1, first and foremost...NO TEETH!! From there I have learned that it's a matter of personal preference from the receiver.

Anyhow, the whole question and answer, in and of it's self, got me to wonder..."is there such a thing as bad oral sex?!?!"

So I want to hear from you, my loyal reader of 1...okay maybe 2, is there such a thing as bad oral sex? Have you EVER received bad oral? Have you EVER given bad oral sex? OR is bad oral sex an urban legend much like the giant alligators that live in the sewers of NY?