Tick Tock, Tick Tock

So I find myself FASTLY approaching 35....gasp!!! And in fastly approaching that age, I find myself yearning for a new baby. Master P will soon be turning 5 on the 23rd of May and at 35, I always pictured myself with a 2nd child. *sigh* Again trying to be honest and not really knowing what to say, I want a baby. Is it because my biological clock is going off or because my co-worker just had a baby OR is it because EVERYWHERE I go I see pregnant women, IDK.

I want to get big and "fat" with a baby. I want to read to him/her every night while still in the womb. I want to go 2 months without sleep. I want to feel him/her kick and roll around for the first time. I want to wonder for 10 months whom she or he will look like. What part of me will they get?? My eyes? The "Reilly" nose? What?? I want a baby. I want a baby, but I ALSO want a partner in this venture. So much more than in the past.

I want to smell that sweet, sweet smell of Johnson's and Johnson's bath wash. I want to be the Stay-at-home-Mom that welcomes her husband, with babe in arm, home from his busy day. I want to teach another child sign language and to count and say their alphabet in French....I want a baby.

IDK How to get it or what it means. All I know is that my biological clock is going off and I want another baby before I'm 36. That gives me about 1 1/4 years. I just the perfect partner who also shares in this next venture of my life.

Sorry, don't mean to scare anyone off. But it's just how I feel. I DON'T need to have a baby to feel "Complete" I already have the perfect boy, but I have just always known that I would have two kids.

My Life in Lists

So after my last candid blog post (as Daylene noted) I thought I would let y'all into a little bit more of my psyche. Scary, isn't it?? I thought I would give you a list of my top 5 things in a few categories. Some are going to end up in your column of "well, DUH!" and some will be in the column of "oh WOW, I had NO idea." Shall we begin our journey into the dark, scary place known as my brain?!?!



My 5 Favorite Nostalgic Childhood Foods

1. PB & J sandwiches with Grape jelly and cut into 4's
2. Magic Shell
3. Tang
4. "fold over sandwiches" (ie just butter on a a piece of bread folded over)
5. Lik-m-aid

The 5 Articles of Clothing I Would Remove From Existence

1. Crocs and Uggs
2. Cut off jean shorts (and, YES I used to wear them....in the late 80's)
3. Baggy jeans
4. Pastels for men
5. Low rise jeans...especially on people with muffin tops who show their thongs!

5 Things That Always Bring Tears To My Eyes

1. Parents outliving their children
2. The birth of a baby
3. A wedding
4. The tears of a loved one
5. When Preston tells me that he loves me

The 5 Things I'd Take To A Desert Island

1. Lotion
2. Family Photos
3. A Cashmere Blanket
4. My iPod shuffle
5. Preston

5 Things That ALWAYS Bring A Smile To My Face

1. Preston
2. Steven
3. A good comedic movie
4. Cuddling up with those that I love
5. My family and friends

5 Things That Always Make Me Laugh

1. Preston
2. Steven
3. People who shop at Wal-Mart
4. When other people get hurt/fall
5. People who carry their dogs around in their purses
6. (this is an added bonus) Just stupid people in general. Like the DBag. =D

5 Things I Could NEVER Live Without

1. Preston
2. Laughter
3. A good book
4. Stormy weather, a fireplace and someone to cuddle up with
5. Good friends, good food, good wine and family

5 More Things I Could Never Live Without

1. A good Bra
2. A nice pair of high heels, like Manolo, Jimmy Choo or Colin Stewart
3. My hair straightener
4. A tan
5. Music

5 Movies I Could Watch Over and Over

1. Some Like It Hot
2. An Affair To Remember
3. Super Troopers
4. Dumb and Dumber
5. Rocky Horror Picture Show

5 Of My Favorite Theatrical Productions

1. Cats
2. Cabaret
3. The Nutcracker
4. Wicked
5. La Boheme

5 Things That Just Drive Me Nuts

1. People who can't drive
2. Stupid people in general
3. Injustice
4. The parenting laws in Washington State
5. People who only look out for their own pocket books

5 Completely Random Facts

1. I have 6 tattoos
2. I have at one time had as many as 13 piercings
3. I will ALWAYS be a California girl at heart
4. Had my heart broken at 21, it was finally repaired before my 33rd birthday
5. My son has me wrapped around his little finger and I spoil him rotten

5 Things I Miss Dearly

1. Saturday morning Cartoons that lasted from 7am -Noon
2. 3 months of Summer Vacation
3. My Family
4. My Friends in California
5. My Guess jeans!!

So, that's my life in lists. What about you guys? What do you love? What do you love to hate? What just drives you nuts?!?! What do you miss??? Love to hear!!!

Step-kids

I'm sitting here as Preston lays in a quiet slumber..okay NOT so quiet! I feel SO sorry for his future wife. That kid snores like there's no tomorrow. But IDK. I'm at a loss for words. I wish I could say something funny...something profound...something that someone could take away from this post and make their day better with, but I'm just not in that kind of mood. IDK why I'm here or what I'm trying to say. Perhaps I should talk about my New Year's goals. Perhaps I should recap 2009 for y'all. But I guess what I REALLY want to talk about is being a child of divorced parents.

It's NOT easy. I think the hardest toll is on us kids. We blame ourselves. Whether its our fault OR not (usually not) we blame ourselves. My parents got divorced when I was 2 years old. My little brother was barely out of the womb before the ink was dry on the divorce papers. I have NO recollection of time spent with my Dad other than a few pictures that I have seen here or there. And after he left, I ONLY saw him at certain holidays, my graduation (which I had to bully him into going to) and FINALLY my Wedding. Even after my wedding it was YEARS before I saw him again. I ALWAYS have to be the one to fly to Reno and his grandson was 2 BEFORE my Dad actually saw him in person. So going into a relationship with someone who is divorced with 2 kids and I myself, divorced with one, I think I have an unique perspective...or at least I would like to think so. Let me just say this: Disney and the other film studios have portrayed "Step-Moms" in a negative light. Lord knows that I have had my fair share...6 and counting. Did I like my latest "Step-Mom" at first??? NO. I was rude and mean to her. I told her that "I was too old for a Step-Mom and that I already had plenty of friends". Was I wrong??? YES. I was also 22, knew everything about the World and was COMPLETELY WRONG!!!!

I came to know and LOVE my Step-Mom for what she was and what she wasn't. She was/is MY friend. We found a common interest and common ground. IE: Horror movies and ghost stories. She believed in the super-natural like I did and didn't think I was crazy for it. She took an interest IN my interest. She saw me in my true light. A (at the time) 22 year old woman out on her own for the first time. And through my marriage, child birth and now, most recently, divorce, she has been by my side and utterly, sometimes brutally, honest. Have I always done things the "right" way?? NO, but who has??? She has LOVED me for me, not for what I wanted to be or for what I pretended to be, but for the REAL me...no strings attached.

She has been completely, utterly and sometimes, sharply honest with me. But she knows that she can, cuz she knows that she's the ONLY one who can. We are NOT tied together by blood, but by friendship. And I MISS her dearly. You see, she lives in Reno with my Dad. That's 800 miles away from me. I love my Dad with ALL of my heart...once a Daddy's girl, ALWAYS a Daddy's girl. But sometimes I get the feeling that Dad doesn't really know what to do with me. I think he still sees me as the 2 year old girl that he left behind.

I'm all grown up now. Did he walk be down the aisle? NO, I believe that right is earned and NOT just given to you because you donated sperm. (BTW~my brother, John, walked me down the aisle at my wedding) But we do have common interest, my Dad and I. We both LOVE NASCAR, we love to golf and we love to play darts. And I KNOW that I can drink his old ass under the table!! LOL Yet, somehow he would rather do those things with my brothers. Well you know what they say "Whatever a boy can do, girls can do better". So I have found a kindred spirit in my Step-Mom. Will she ever replace my "real" mom??? NO. But when times get tough and I don't know where to turn and I need a true friend who will tell me the truth NOT just what I want to hear, I find that I ALWAYS turn to my Step-Mom. Not to mention, I can tell her the MOST intimate of details and NOT get embarrassed about it.

Man, Walt Disney, did you have Step-Moms pegged ALL wrong! And now that I find myself, at 34 in the role of a soon-to-be-someday Step-Mom, I see it SO much clearer. We are NOT the evil, horrid creatures that you made us out to be, that ALL of us girls grew up watching. I DO NOT want to stick my step-daughter in the highest tower of the tallest castle because she is more beautiful. (I mean obviously, her father married me for a reason.) I DO NOT want to send some witch after her with a basket full of apples to put her in a coma like state until a Prince can come kiss her and wake her up. I want the best for MY child AND MY step-children, if I should ever have them. I want my step-kids to know that they ARE NOT the only ones to have gone through a divorce. You DO NOT need a Prince OR Princess to come kiss you and wake you from a 100 year slumber. You are strong individuals whom I support fully in your endeavor, whatever that may be. I WILL NEVER take the place of your Mom, NOR do I want to. But, maybe...just maybe in a time of hardship, when you need someone AND no one else can understand, relate or listen, I WILL be there for you.