Friday, March 27, 2009

Wish I could shut my Playboy mouth!

I've got something to say.....just not entirely sure how to go about it. I hate having to feel like I need to keep my mouth shut when there is an injustice going on. But since I'm not directly affected or involved, its not really my place to say anything. So should I really even say anything then? I've thought about doing this as an open letter, as a "Top 10 signs", as a random list, as a story, but none of those really feel right. ARGH!! This is frustrating. I guess the best way to get things off my chest is to just say it.
YOU ARE A DOUCHE BAG!!! Plain and simple. A complete and utter douche. The fact that we share the same X chromosomes, makes me want to go have a sex change. No, really it does. I don't know how you can possibly call yourself a human, a woman or a mother for that matter. You're NONE of those. I've heard stories about women being douche bags and c*nts before, but never in my day had I actually met one. I thought it was impossible, a myth, a legend, like Bigfoot, but nope, there you are in all your shining glory. And calling you a douche bag or a c*nt is actually an insult to all the other douche bags and c*nts of the World. I would call you a twat, but frankly I like saying that word way too much and I don't want you ruining something else in the World. I swear, I have NEVER used the "C" word so much in my 33 years of life as I have in the last year!!
The funny thing.....or quite possibly the sad thing, is that you don't even see what you are doing as being wrong. HELLO!!! Everyone else in the known universe thinks you are a douche bag, how can you NOT see this? How can you NOT see that what you are doing is WRONG?!?!? You use your children as pawns. You poison them with lies and hatred. What kind of "Mother" are you? How can you be so full of hate and disdain? I'm sorry that your husband left you, but move on. It sucks...waaaaaah. Pull up your big girl panties and move the fuck on! He's NOT going back to you and the fact that you are a psycho-hose beast isn't going to make him come back. And IT'S NOT 100% HIS FAULT!!!! Oh and quit stalking our blogs...well mostly his, I can only assume that you have also linked to mine. You're insane. Stalking and then commenting on your ex's blog. WOW!! You really are delusional.
Wake up and smell the coffee. The actions that you take today is shaping your future relationships. Your children WILL grow up to hate you, if they don't already. You're going to end up old, alone and bitter and I'm going to be laughing my ass off!!! Why don't you just do everyone a favor and quit fighting a losing battle. Its going to happen whether you want it to or not. If you "loved" him so much, why didn't you fight for him earlier?? Oh and for the fucking love of fuck, QUIT giving him ultimatums. Like "if you come back, I won't do ___". It's not gonna happen Douche Bag!! He's not going back. Or better yet, maybe he should, we'll still continue to have hot raucous sex in your house. Would that make you feel better?!?! I didn't think so.
A few thoughts before I go:
GET A FUCKING JOB!!!! (whoops guess I said that twice.)

Wanna be my friend?

Yesterday I went to my ex-Mother-In-Laws funeral. It sucked....duh. Not so much the funeral part, it was a lovely service, but the fact that I had to see the evil sister-in-laws. I haven't seen my ex's family in over a year.
A little back ground: The Bitches of East Hill are the ones that stalked my Myspace page and "ratted" me out about "talking" to Steve a last year to my then husband. I guess if its on Myspace it must be true...ok so it was true, but whateva. These "women" in their 50's don't work and have NOTHING better to do then to stalk Myspace and Face Book to get dirt on other family members. This is how boring their lives have become. Oh and I did I mention that they are constantly trying to befriend me on MS and FB? Riiiiight!

Back to my story: So its was really uncomfortable milling around the reception hall talking to the ex's family and being nicey-nice to these people that 01) I don't see very often and 11) are a contributing factor to my divorce. Then 1 of the SIL's, the fat one (she's the follower of the group. She doesn't have a single original thought of her own), comes up to me and is all "hey, its so good to see you. How have you been? We should really get together" Like she's my BFF. So I tell her "I've been great. Never better! Thanks." I turn and walk away.

Really? You want to be my friend now? Really? I thought you were a major bitch when I was "family" and had to associate with you. Now that I'm no longer part of your gossip circle you want to be my friend? Really? Why? Have you just run out of people in the family to talk about and you need fresh blood? No! Fuck you. Sorry that I've lost weight and that I'm uber happy now. Sucks that you're still fat....and a bitch. Go bother someone else you fat, unhappy troll!! And for the love of Goddess, STOP requesting me to be your "friend" on MS and FB. Its not gonna happen!!!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

My crib!

I'm still sick...albeit, alive, and sadly, I'm not feeling my normal witty self. So instead of going on a tyrade about what douche bags some people are (I'm saving that post for later), I thought I would finally take this chance to show you my new crib!

I've been in my apartment almost a month now and its just finally starting to feel like home. I still have a few more small touches to finish here and there. Some pictures to get up on the walls and some knick-knacks that need to find homes, but its all starting to come together. Enjoy!

My bathroom. Its pink and black and its
uber girlie. I LOVE it!!

Master P's bathroom.
Yes, the shower curtain is a
grass skirt! And the rug
is a surf board!

My kitchen. Not much happens here.
Not even sure why they gave me
one. They obviously don't
know me very well!

My uber comfy living room.
The sofa and chair are big enough
for me and Steve and even Master P
to cuddle in!

As they say on Cribs, this is where the
magic happens!
As you can see, Fred has already made

himself right at home on the bed.

This is Master P's domain.

I still have some work to do on it.

Its tough. He's 4 now. No longer a baby
but he's still a little boy.

Friday, March 20, 2009

I just kissed Criss Angel

That's right bitches, I'm sick. Apparently, Ashlee and I have been spending WAY too much time kissing Criss Angel! Ashlee was home sick yesterday and I'm home sick today. At least I'm up, FINALLY dressed and out of bed. Although today I really do feel like a zombie with a shiv. Don't piss me off. You have been warned. I'm sure that today you will be inundated with blog posts. And I'm sure they won't be nice. I'm admittedly the worst sick person in the World. I'm bitchy, I whine, I cry, I pout and frankly all I want is my Mommy. Honestly, pale and clammy is NOT a good look for me. We won't even talk about the hair! LOL
I want you all to feel my pain. It all started last night. My voice is gone and my throat is sore and swollen (there goes my sex life). Then this morning, I woke up stiff and sore. Every fiber of my body hurt. Even my hair hurt. Then, I nearly fainted getting out of bed this morning. I thought that I would be a work-a-holic trooper and try to go to work today. Ha ha that lasted all of 30 seconds before I nearly fainted in the shower. And since I now live on my own, I'm sure it would've been days before one of you bitches came looking for me. (I've fallen and I can't get up!) So I crawled back in bed and slept some more. I really wish I had a good excuse for being sick I drank too much Guinness and/or Jaeger, but even the thought of alcohol makes me want to go dry hump Melissa Etheridge! (BTW, props to Ashlee for all these alternative saying to "i just threw up in my mouth").
Alright, I'm going to try go eat something. Hopefully something that tastes just as good the 2nd time around. Happy F-ing Friday!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Don't say I didn't warn you!

So as promised, and I ALWAYS deliver on my promises, here are pictures from our St. Patty's Day. And in talking with Steve last night, apparently while still conscience enough to beg to drive home and yet totally blacked out, I missed some hell'a good stuff. (including stuff that I did and don't remember doing) Now I know what it feels like to be a zombie...if only I had a shiv. Enjoy bitches!

our very "traditional" Irish lunch

Complete with Guinness in a paper cup
with a straw. (classy)
Steve's amazing curb parking job.
(This was before we even got to the bar)

A pack of wild cougars

the Alpha cougar

Mexican dude doing the Mexican hat dance
to a traditional Irish band
This just cracked me up, some people get
really "dressed up" to go out!
Hicks love St. Patty's Day too!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Guinness & Jaeger shots...(not so) Brilliant!!

Yesterday was St. Patty's Day. And like everyone else in the World, I went out celebrating. Boy did I celebrate. My Irish spirit was in rare form yesterday.
Ashlee and I started the festivities with a traditional Irish lunch. Whopper Jr's from Burger King and Guinness. Here's where it gets ghetto. We bought the "meals", poured out the soda and filled the cup up with a bit of Black Sunshine! Yes, we drank Guinness out of a paper cup....with straws! We are a couple of classy broads.
Last night, Steve came over....with more Guinness and we polished off the last of the corned beef, cabbage and red taters that I had made on Sunday. Then we decided to go out and hit the town. Look out World here we come! We decided to go to Finnegan's (begin-again) in Renton. (I've been going to Finnegan's for years. In fact, I was going there when it was The Giant's Causeway.) They always have plenty of Guinness and Harps on tap and last night was no different! (Although I think having to pay a $20 cover each is a little steep!) Of course they had green beer. I don't even want to know what your pee looks like after drinking a pitcher of that!
We do a lap, check out the scene, laugh at what people are wearing and saddle up to the bar. Guinness and a Jameson shot for Steve. Guinness and a Jaeger shot for me.....I'm pretty sure we can ALL tell how this night is going to end up! I'm predictable if nothing else. (this ritual will be repeated 3 more times.) So inside the bar, 92.5 was playing music...Snoop Dogg, Beastie Boys, Lil Wayne, etc. Outside in the tent, they had a traditional Irish band. Imagine the confusion my brain was having trying to process what was going on. I wanted to do a hybrid dance consisting of the Cabbage Patch and a jig! Now this is where things get interesting...and YES, I will be posting pictures as soon as I download them off my camera.
Here's a quick list of random things we saw last night. A group of 5 "cougars" wearing stuff that was too young for even their grand-daughters. A Mexican guy dancing the Mexican Hat Dance to Irish fiddle music. A "cougar" hitting on a drunk old gay dude. A fat chick with massive pit stains raping her man on the dance floor. A chick with a huge ass wearing a short, tight, green skirt that I'm pretty sure came off her Barbie doll. And we become that PDA couple that can't keep their hands off each other and suck face in the corner!
It was a great night! I vaguely remember flashing the twins at Steve...twice I think. Somehow St. Patty's Day turned into Mardi Gras. Funny enough, I didn't go home with any beads....Hmmm...curious. *shrugs* Do I dare mention ending the night by hanging out of Steve's truck puking up my corned beef...whoops, guess I just did! Tasty! (no wonder my migraine from Monday is still hanging on). Like I said, I'm one classy broad. And yet, Steve still stays with me. What a guy!
*note to self: you can't go drink for drink with your BF that weighs about 100 pounds more than you do and is about a foot taller. Hmmm maybe I should just get this tattooed on me!*

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Happy Birfday Tab!

*I'm a little late posting this one. Sorry*

About a month ago now, maybe a little more, Ashlee, Day and myself decided to throw Tabitha a surprise birfday party. Actually we were supposed to go to Leavenworth for a girl's weekend of wine tasting and frivolousness, we were even going to wear matching outfits (yes, we're THAT gay!). Unfortunately shyt happens and we had a change of plans. So we decided to take our collective gay-ness and throw her a good ol-fashioned Graham Cracker-style birfday party, complete with a cake wreck!

Every party needs a well stocked bar.
Nothing says party like some good ol Night Train
and Boone's Farm
Tabitha...well it speaks for itself!

Macho Man doll getting "fresh" with Ashlee!

We cake wreck cuz we lurve!!

Birthday gift

My birthday is coming up and I know you all are racking your brains trying to think what you can get me. So to help, I thought I would give you all a list to shop from. I'm a simple Irishgirl really and there's only 1 thing on my list this year! Happy shopping!

The Audi TT Roadster.
Conveniently available at your local Costco!

Friday, March 13, 2009

Friday Funnies

Ashlee emailed me this picture and all she said was "you're welcome". The conversation that followed went something like this:

Me: Ummm, its a thong.....on a car...what's the point??

Ashlee: Why do you want an explanation?

Me: Its a THONG on a CAR!!

Ashlee: Exactly. What's the point of thongs anyhow? Maybe it didn't want its underwear lines to show.

Me: *giggle hysterically*

Hmmm, in hindsight, maybe not that funny, but after a bottle of wine, Ashlee and I are cracking ourselves up. We are our best audience! =D

*on a side note: thank God the security cameras in the office don't have sound or I'm pretty sure we would be institutionalized by now!*

Want some candy Lil Girl?!?!

A bit of eye candy for your Friday. These pix come courtesy of Ashlee and Day.

The saying goes: a picture is worth a thousand words, well I could only come up with one when I saw these: "YUMMY"!!! Followed by TONS of drool!! (sorry about your desk Ashlee) Happy Friday All!!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Its a Girl!!!

I would like to introduce everyone to my daughter, Courtney Jean. She was born on December 25th, weighing in at a very healthy 16lbs, 4oz and 21 inches. Yes, I said 16lbs!!! She has black hair and green eyes. Naturally, you are probably asking yourselves "who's the Baby's Daddy?" Well... *drum roll* The Mailman! You read correct, I said the mailman!!! I know! I was shocked too, especially since our "mailman" is a Samoan Woman!
Ok, so not really. Ashlee found this hilarious (at least we find the humor in it) "pregnancy tester" on line and we couldn't help ourselves, we had to try it. Try it for yourselves and let me know who your Baby's Daddy is!
Gotta run. My little line-backer is hungry and must be fed!!!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Service with an extra shot of love

The other night, Ashlee became my first official visitor at my new apartment. Well that's not true...she was actually like the 3rd visitor, but the first female so congrats! I gave her a quick tour and then we headed out to eat. Cuz as you all know, I don't cook. We head out to The Rock for food, ie alcohol! I only go to that place for two reasons. The buckets and the Brown sugar Mozz Bread. I'm drooling just thinking about it.

I'd like to introduce you to the best servers EVER!!!

This is Linda! "Hello Linda" She loves to spit in our Mozz Bread.
That's what gives it that extra little something "special".
She also serves up the drinks with a little extra love.
We now lovingly call her "Mata Hari"

This is Bruce. "Hello Bruce".
He started out with us that night, but had to go home to his wife.
IDK, something about having been at work since 10 that morning. Wuss!
Although he did offer to make us dinner! LOL

It's also a great place to people watch. We saw some dude dressed like a lumber jack. A kid wearing a "Nintendo Power" satin jacket and a guy with corn rows that went into a mohawk. Yeah, I almost spit out my alcohol when I saw that one. Talk about a major party foul!

Appropriately Named

This post is really just to say "Thanks TT!!!" For if it weren't for you gals blogging about theses tasty treats, my size 8 jeans still might fit me today! I'm talking of course about the one, the only, the incredibly...TastyKake!!! Behold!!!!

No wonder you East Coasters have been keeping these from us. They are to die (end kill) for!!! Let me describe them for you. The ones I masticated over were made of moist, fluffy chocolate cake. Butter cream frosting filled the inside. On top was more buttercream frosting and a stripe of chocolate butter cream down the center. These were no cheap Hostess cupcakes made with imitation "frosting". These were the real things. Dare I say it? I love them and I'm NEVER going back to Hostess again! Oh...and screw you Little Debbie, too!!! They are tasty and they are kake!

One day Ashlee was reading an article in our local rag about an Italian Restaurant in Burien that no only serves up traditional cheese steak sandwiches, but they also happen to be one of the only places in WA that you can find Tastykakes. Kudos Hey Paison. And if you're ever in Burien, I HIGHLY recommend picking up a package or 5!!!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

A Bun In The Oven

*Today's Disclaimer Bitches.... No one is pregnant (at least as far as we know or are willing to admit) this is just an example of the madness that is our office*

Some days are slow around The Farm and when we get bored Ashlee and I come up with crack-pot ideas and scenarios....ALOT!! Recently in 1 of our brain-storm sessions we noticed that we were both feeling the same symptoms: hot, dizzy, nauseous, hungry but never fully satisfied, craving things like KFC cole slaw and a bean burrito (with extra cheese, no onions and fire sauce), extremely tired....well you get the picture. So we said to each other "Hey You must be pregnant". Ashlee being the....smarter of us two, went to the local Dollar Tree (YES the Dollar store!!!) and bought herself a pregnancy test....negatory. I on the other hand, I LOVE Egypt this time of year and insist on living in Denial! Honestly, its gorgeous and the sun is always shinning. But I digress.

So in talking about being pregnant we decided that no zygote should go unnamed. *Giggle* I just LOVE that word....zygote. It just tickles me, kinda like saying the word 'spelunking'.

Whoops off track again....yet another symptom, you lose brain cells!

So we decided that zygote needs to have a name. We can't just very well call it "It" what kind of a mother would I be? The kind that is not quite divorced to one person and yet is in a serious relationship with another...that's what kind! LOL

Without further ado, let me introduce you to Baby Zygote. Her name is 'ǻZёёanqdrieia-FrΫdaǽ Desembrrr-Whintare T'BarqillyT. For those of you who don't speak trailer trash, let me interrupt for you. Its Zandrea-Friday December-Winter Barley. And just in case you're curious where the Friday, December and Winter came from, that's all Ashlee. See she wants to name her real life kids after the Day of the week they are born, the month and the season.

Now our mantra in the office is "what Zygote wants, Zygote gets" So if we're Jonesing for some yummy Girl Scout cookies, its not actually Ashlee and I that want them, its zygote! =D