Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Welcome to Washington, now go the Fuck home!

*Here's your disclaimer Bitches: F-bomb dropped 8 times*

IDK what's with me, but I'm easily irritated today. Perhaps its because I woke up hung-over and fucking dehydrated at 5am, then proceeded to toss and turn until I FINALLY fell back to sleep just at the time my alarm is going off. Perhaps its because my triple shot mocha has worn off. Perhaps even still its because my knee hurts and is scabbed up from vehicle sex!! (hazards of having a fucking hot BF!!!). *shrugs* Perhaps its a little bit of everything.

Working in insurance, occasionally you happen to run into morons. People who don't necessarily get the concept that (at least in this state) you need to maintain current insurance on your vehicle and have a valid state license. People who think that because they weren't born here the rules somehow don't apply to them. Let me speka slow: NO your Mexico license doesn't count. NO your international license doesn't count. I don't care that you've been living here and driving (uninsured might I add) for the last year while still maintaining your Mexico license. Washington State Laws clearly state that once residency has been established, you have 30 days to get a WA driver's license. Also, state law clearly says that ALL vehicles MUST be insured. I'm sure that these two points are even available in Spanish for those who haven't bothered to learn English while living here, working here and taking advantage of social programs which I'm NOT eligible for because I was born here, although part of my pay check and taxes go to support your fucking ass!!!

Which brings me to another point: LEARN THE LANGUAGE!!! Please stop barging into my office waving your arms in the air doing the "gansta challenge" walk and ask me if "Eny budy es speka es Spanish", then when I say no, don't get all pissy and roll your eyes! Does it look like I es speka es Spanish? No, I can barely order off the Taco Bell menu! I es speka the fucking language here...English. (Granted, sometimes its ghetto, but English none-the-less.) Then when I tell you that I can't help you with insurance because you have ignored the state laws, PLEASE don't fucking argue with me. Really Jose??? So you're telling me that you know my job better then I do and yet you're the one that's breaking the law! Stop asking me 50 times if I'm sure. Yes I'm FUCKING sure that I can't write your auto insurance. The answer isn't going to change no matter how many times you ask! I'm sick and tired of people using the crutch that they were breaking the laws because "they don't speak the language." Fuck you, learn it or go home!

Now go hop back into your uninsured POS and get me a margarita! Don't forget the little umbrella!!

Friday, February 20, 2009

We are E-VIL!!

You know some days its really is just much easier to be cruel. And I'm sure we are in the express lane to HELL, but it was just soooo damned funny that we couldn't resist. God, I love the elderly!

Ashlee and I have this client. Bless his soul, he's old. We think he might have mental problems which makes this even funnier and sadder at the same time. He was recently in an auto accident. While in the process of helping him, he mentioned that his ex-wife had just passed away and he was having to drive back and forth from Seattle to Olympia to comfort his girls and take care of the funeral arrangements. We felt sorry for him, talked to him about it a little and sent him a sympathy card.

Fast forward a few weeks later. He comes in to make a payment. We ask him how he's doing and mentions that his ex-wife had died a few days earlier and that his girls are really upset about it. Ashlee and I look at each other, thinking "weird, didn't he just tell us that?" So again, we sympathize and send him out a sympathy card and go on with our day.

Fast forward again a month this time. He calls me to ask me about how much he owes this month and I tell him. I ask him how he's doing and he proceeds to tell me that his ex-wife died earlier in the week and he has to drive to Olympia to take care of his girls. So I turn to Ashlee and am like WTF?? Just how many ex-wives does he have and why do they ALL live in Olympia and keep dying? Is it the water? Are we going to see him on the next episode of America's Most Wanted? The Black Widower. He seems so nice and poliete and quiet. Then again so did Ted Bundy. Its always the ones you least expect.

So Ashlee, the evil little minion that she is, comes up with a brilliant idea. We should send him another sympathy card. "yes, yes, yes" I scream and giggle with evil delight! (For those keeping count this is card #3.) "Sorry for your loss (of your mind!)" Evil laughter fills the office! Ahhh, we just couldn't help it. Its fun messing with old people. Especially old people with memory problems. Of course it has actually occured to us that he may really have 3 ex wives that he's killed and we could potentially be next, but it was so totally worth it!

Dear Steve:



Thursday, February 19, 2009

Dr. to the ER stat! Code Red

I'm dying!!!

Ok, that's not true and a bit overdramatic, but I seriously feel like I'm dying! I'm going to blame Daylene for this. I caught her sickness via blogs and twitter. Yeah that sounds good. But really, I woke up this morning in a panic. I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was being suffocated. This shyt sucks. Not to mention that my throat hurts so GD bad, I can barely swallow. I KNOW!! There goes my social life, right?!?! I sound just like Selma and Patty Bouvier from the Simpsons. Hot, isn't it?!?!

I am THE WORST sick person. I whine, I cry, I pout, I whine some more....Mmmm did someone say wine?? Sorry the meds make me spacey and I tend to get distracted by anything shiny. I feel like Dory from "Finding Nemo"! All I want to do is crawl back into bed and have someone make me tea and refill my cup when its empty. Make me soup for lunch with those yummy little goldfish crackers. Basically to wait on me hand and foot. Is that too much for a girl to ask for?

It would be worse, I suppose. At this point, its all in my head. (I know what you're all thinking and its not funny!) Really, just my sinus cavities are blocked. So it feels like my head has been run over by a big mac truck. But at least the rest of my body works just fine. Lucky me, I get to come to work and I'm still able........... Sorry, what was I saying? A shiny car went by the window. Oh well not important. *shrugs*

Well, its time for my next dose of Sudafed. I honestly have enough of this crap to start a meth-lab. And would someone go make me some tea?!?!? Really! How hard is it to get some good help around here?

Monday, February 16, 2009

VD Sucks

Truth be told, I had an awesome Valentine's weekend! We escaped to the Olympic Peninsula, stayed at a quaint lodge in the Olympic Rain Forrest, we hiked, we talked, we hiked some more. It was great. No phones, no TV, no Internet. Just the two of us! It was perfect. We had also agreed no presents for VD. Of course we both found reasons to get each other stuff. I got several things for my "new apartment" and Steve got some "congratulatory" Steelers stuff from EatN'Park.
But now its rant time kiddies. So grab your nap mats, a blankie and snuggle up for my rant of the day. As promised I'm going to tell you why I hate VD! *steps on soap box*
I think VD is just a way for retailers to rebound from the post-holiday slump and I think jewelry stores are the biggest offenders. I challenge you to find a commercial aimed at guys that says "if your SO loves you, she'll buy you a new set of Craftsmen tools." Go on, I'll wait *hums to self*
Beginning on December 26th, retailers start telling guys "if you don't buy your SO jewelry or red roses, you don't love her." Coincidentally, they start telling girls that "if your SO doesn't give you jewelry or red roses, they don't love you." Have you ever noticed how roses, even those sold at a local grocery store, increase 10 fold in price? Its the same flower on the 14th as it will be on the 15th, but why so much more expensive? And what about Hallmark? Making some poor guy spend $10 on a card using someone else's words when he could easily make something so much more personal for less? And a note here to the ladies, men hate getting cards. They don't read them anyhow! You might as well take that $10 and throw it right in the recycle bin! Save yourself the frustration and agony of hours spent trying to find that "perfect" card with the cutesy-whootsy cuddly bear on the front!
I also happen to think that getting engaged on Christmas or VD is a cop out! There's NOTHING romantic about getting engaged the same day as thousands of other people! It screams, "I waited until the last minute to get you a gift, so here let's get married." Talk about shit or get off the pot!! Its no wonder that guys hate VD, talk about undo pressure! They feel like if they don't propose, then they really don't love their GFs when maybe she just isn't "the one". And no wonder girls hate VD. Our heads are filled with visions of cupids and angels, hearts and roses. Being told by every commercial that he's going to propose on February 14th. Then when we open the gift bag and find a teddy bear instead of a diamond...chaos ensues!
People stop!!! Maybe I'm just starting to feel my old age, or maybe I'm starting to realize that you don't have to buy something to show someone that you love them. I think the gift of an experience and the memories made from that outlast the cards, the chocolates and the flowers. I think that you should tell someone you love them everyday, not just once a year! I think you should buy your SO flowers or go to dinner on a random Tuesday night because you heard a song that reminded you of them and you can't imagine living a day without them!
Next year maybe try turning off the phones, the TV and the Internet. Cook dinner together and then eat by candle light in front of the fireplace. Try a new wine and talk about it. Take a bubble bath together and remember what Valentine's Day is really all about: being with the one you love!!!

Thursday, February 12, 2009


I was going to do a rant about how much I hate Valentine's Day and the commercialization of it. But since this is my first Valentine's Day with the BF, I don't want to go shooting myself in the foot. Cuz let's face it, what girl doesn't love getting gifts, even if Ben Bridge has been reminding you since December 26th that diamond's are a girl's best friend and Valentine's Day is February 14th and if you don't buy her a diamond, then you just must NOT love her. So I will save that rant for Monday. Instead I will give you the Universal Signs that she wants to have sex.

This one goes out to all the fellas. *Barry White playing in the background*
With Valentine's Day right around the corner, I thought I would give you Gents a list of Universally Recognized Signs from your gal that means, I want to have sex with you....and I want it right now!!!
  • watching TV naked (ignore the thermometer that says its 90 degrees out and its 11:30 at night)
  • taking a bath
  • going pee while you are taking a bath
  • putting up "party" streamers (doesn't matter that its for BFF's birthday party later that night)
  • anything that requires climbing a ladder with you holding it
  • wearing her hair in pig-tails
  • wearing a skirt (It doesn't matter what kind, mini, granny, work...it's all the same)
  • wearing heels or boots
  • wearing an apron
  • bending over at the end of a long day and picking up the kids toys
  • bending over with her head in the oven, fridge or dryer
  • giving you that "wassup" head nod across the dinner table or across the gym
  • having just shaved our legs
  • the act of shaving our legs
  • rubbing your back in the middle of the night
  • rubbing your back in the middle of the night coupled with rubbing her feet on your legs (my personal fave!)
  • curling up next to you on the couch to watch ESPN (there's nothing hotter than hearing that Brett Favre is retiring...again!)
  • playing scrabble (especially while naked)
  • and pretty much ANY and ALL yoga poses

Of course some gals may do 1, a few or all of these things. But trust me guys if you find her with hair in pig-tails, wearing an apron with heels and giving you that "wassup" nod at dinner on Saturday, swipe the dishes off the table, throw your gal up there and have your way with her. You won't be disappointed!!! (Besides who ever said that sex was meant for the bedroom only?? I'm a firm believer that you should have sex in EVERY room of the house....at least once! Just please, make sure you wipe off the table before you invite me over for dinner.)

And those are the Universal Signs that she wants to have sex with you!

Friday, February 6, 2009

Today's post has been brought to you by the letter S.

After reading Malskey's blog yesterday and The Two Twins blog today, I thought what the frig? Its Friday, give me a letter. TTT was too kind and gave me a choice between "L" and "S". I picked S. I now have to name 10 things that I like about "S" and describe why I like it. *Clears throat* *cracks knuckles* Here we go ladies, I hope I do you proud!
(in NO particular order)
Son~ Ok, this one is pretty much a no brainer. I LOVE Master P!! Who wouldn't? My son is the most amazing little person on Earth. He is smart, articulate, loves sports, witty, funny. This kids sense of humor is going to get me SEVERAL meetings with teachers I fear. Not to mention he has already figured out that the ladies LOVE a man with a sense of humor. The things he will do to get a laugh from a girl is nothing short of genius! I love just sitting back and watching him in action. When he gets in the "zone" its non-stop laughter.
Steve~ I love my geek BF to no end! He is sweet and smart and sexy (HEY!! Those are all "S"s does that count?!? No? ok). He has helped me to remember who I am and to help me figure out the woman that I want to be and the Mother that my Son deserves. So, I can't really hold the fact that he's a card carrying member of the Shittsburgh fan club against him too much. It does make for some fun times during football season..we call it foreplay!!
SEX!!!~ Ok, so this is a little to easy. What more do I need to say??? Sex is amazing. ESPECIALLY with someone who really gets you and gets what you like! I'll spare you all from the details! =) And not to mention, I LOVE saying that word. SEX. Go on try saying it to yourselves. How can you not get giddy and maybe just a little randy saying it??? I would much prefer to spend 45 minutes having sex then running on a treadmill or lifting weights ANY day! If you're not having sex, wtf is wrong?!? As Ashlee so poignantly stated the other day "you'll have plenty of time to sleep when your dead. Have as much sex as you can while you still can."
Shoes~ Yes, I'm a self-admitted shoe whore!! I LOVE shoes!!! I keep ALL my shoes in the boxes they came in. I take pictures of my shoes as soon as I get them and then I tape a picture to the outside of the box. OCD you say??? Ok, maybe a little. But it makes it really easy when I'm rushing in the morning to find that perfect pair. I LOVE ALL kinds of shoes. Stilettos, pumps, platforms, open toed, strappy. You name it (ok except for flip flops, but I argue that those are shoes any how) and I will wear them and love them and take them home and call them "George". LOL. And the fact that my BF LOVES shoes (particularly my shoes) as much as I do is a bonus!!!
Satin~ What woman doesn't feel sexy in satin?? Its a luxurious fabric. The way it hugs the body and accentuates every curve without being clingy, it Heaven. There is nothing hotter than a nice, low cut satin dress with a nice pair of heels. Talk about arm candy!! In fact the first thing I bought for my new apartment was a set of black satin sheets. I have no bed, no mattress, but damn it, I'll be sleeping in style on some satin sheets!!!
Sapphires~ Marilyn once said that "Diamonds are a girls best friend". While I love you Marilyn, I have to disagree. Diamonds, while nice, are ordinary. They are plain. They are everywhere. I LOVE sapphires, rubies, amethyst, black diamonds (while yes still technically diamonds, they are black. there's a difference). In fact, my wedding set was 1 diamond surrounded by several sapphires. I LOVE how they can range in color from almost an ocean blue to black. Give me color. Give me unique!!
San Jose Sharks~ I grew up in San Jose and I so happy when they got a hockey team. Though we have yet to when The Stanley Cup, we definitely have the potential. In fact I got my first Sharks jersey for Christmas this year. My Love bought me a Jonathan CheeChoo jersey!! I'm sooo excited to wear it. (care to take a stab at what team Steve likes. If you said the Shittsburgh Penguins, you get a gold star). Even Master P has a Nabokov jersey and we play hockey together. There is nothing better then going to a hockey game, beer in hand, swearing like a sailor and watching a fight!
Snuggle~ I love to snuggle (and NO I'm talking about the fabric softener). On the couch, in bed, watching a movie or a football game. It doesn't matter. I'm a snuggler. And I'm an equal opportunity snuggler. I LOVE snuggling with Master P under a blanket watching SpongeBob or iCarly. And I LOVE snuggling with Steve, watching a movie or just talking. Its so comforting. And sometimes at the end of a long day, its much needed. Time to unwind and just be. I think the best thing is snuggling in front of a fire on a cold night with some red wine! (bear skin rug optional).
Smirnoff~ Come on, you know I couldn't go a whole post and NOT mention alcohol! Oh Smirnoff, my friend. How do I love thee? You seem to make the World a better place and can make any liquid taste better. Just name it. Red Bull....gives me wings to party all nice. Cranberry juice...cures a bladder infection and an UTI and makes me not care that I have them. Berry 7-up....the way the bubbles tingle on my tongue. Coke....I am a skinny bitch. Straight....cuz sometimes, its just that kind of electric lunch!!
Some Like It Hot~ This is my favorite all time movie!! Its a classic black and white. It stars Marilyn Monroe, Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis. I first saw this movie when I was in grade school with my Aunt who is 10 years older than I am. It's become one of "our" things. Every now and again, when I'm in Cali visiting, we will pour some wine and watch it together. If you haven't seen it, go rent it. I promise, you won't be disappointed. And honestly, let's face it, some do like it hot!! MEOW!! (Speaking of 'meow', I'm going to cheat and do another movie. I LOVE Super Troopers. Its the funniest shyt I have EVER seen. And it gets funnier every time I see it. I just love those State Troopers and their cheeky shenanigans! LOL Again, another must rent!)
Ok, Twins, there ya go. I hope it doesn't disappoint. If anyone wants to play along, just leave me a comment and I'll give you a letter. Now off to my electric lunch!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Miss Ranty McRanterson

Today I want to bitch a little. I'm sure that most of you have seen or at least heard about the California Mother who just gave birth to octuplets. There are several things wrong with this. I just don't even know where to begin.
First of all, she's a single mother. While that in and of itself isn't bad, the fact that she already has 6 other kids at home and several babies daddies, is. She has no current husband, boyfriend or support system other than her mother (whom she lives with) who has been taking care of the other 6 kids since day 1. And all the kids at home are under the age of 7!!!
Secondly, she was warned not to use all 8 embryos for the sake of her health and that of the babies. Did she listen? NO of course not. There's NO money in just having 1 baby!! It would seem though that no one has come forward to offer her a house or a caravan like the McCaughey septuplets. Gerber isn't offering a slew of baby food. Pampers isn't offering diapers. In fact, it seems like this little baby producing machine has caused more controversy than joy.
Oh and I did mention that she used IVF for ALL the births??? So then I have to wonder, what friggin doctor in his/her right mind would allow a single, 33 year old, unemployed....oh yes UNEMPLOYED, mother of 6 have more kids. Look, I love babies as much as the next person and I can't wait to have another. However, if I were single, 33, unemployed and had a litter of kids at home already, I don't think I would have anymore!!! I say we make the genius doctor that did the procedure help pay for raising the litter of kids! There has got to be some accountability on the doctor's part, don't you think. But instead of the doctor taking responsibility, this "mother" is seeking interviews and money from Oprah as a way to support herself and her kids! Give me a big fucking break!
I figure that if God wanted us to have a litter of kids, he would've given us 8 boobs, not 2!!! And we would all be walking around sniffing each other's butts!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Free Breakfast and $123.74 in alcohol

Today Ashlee and I took advantage of one of the greatest of American past times....free food. That's right, today only from 6am-2pm Denny's was offering their grand slam breakfast for free. YES FOR FREE!!! I had actually totally forgotten about this until I got into the office this morning and Ashlee was so kind to remind me. Around 10:30 we headed to our local Denny's.
OMFG!!! That place was PACKED!!! Not only can't we find a place to park, but we nearly get rear-ended by a bunch of teenagers cutting class on their way to a "free" meal. Here are some bit and pieces of conversations that we heard as we entered the building and waited for our table:
Teen#1: DUDE, We should go wait inside. Just saw our principal drive by!
Waitress: How many in your party?
Teen#2: 2. Right there's 2 of us? *looks at friend with bewilderment*
Teen#3: No, there's 4 of us.
(internal thought: maybe you should be attending math class instead of trying to get a free breakfast)
Teen#4: Holy shit! This is like my 3rd free breakfast this morning.
(internal thought: yes and that's why you weigh as much as a house and have to wear a muu muu)
Waitress: Is there anyone waiting over 21 to sit in the bar?
Ashlee: *waves arms hysterically, screaming* Oh us! Us! Us!!! We're over 21!!! 2! 2!! There's 2 of us!!!
So, yes, we got to sit in the bar cuz we're just cool like that. We ordered our free breakfast and a couple of hot tawdys. Some days "electric lunches" come at 10:30am!! Thanks Denny's!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Its already been brought

Today is the BIG day!!! In a matter of hours the Arizona Cardinals will take on the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl XLIII. I'm rooting for Arizona, but really it doesn't matter to me. In the end the better team won! Ok, I don't believe that crap either! It DOES matter to me!!! There is A LOT at stake here! A day of servitude and several blog post. Victory shall be mine!! *evil laughter*

Of course Master P took the high road and is wearing a yellow and black shirt with red pants. A true diplomat! I myself, am wearing red and shall we all take a wild stab as to what Steven is wearing. Damn to whomever bought him that jersey for Christmas. *shakes fists in air*

After the game I will post an update as to how the game went and who won the bet. In the meantime I'm going back to watching the pre-game and drinking beer.

*update* So Shittsburgh won! (That was a huge stretch.) Although I have to say that it was a good game. Arizona did come back and was actually winning in the 3rd and 4th quarters. Needless to say, both Steve and myself are happy. Albeit for different reasons. Steve is happy because the Steelers won. I'm happy because I won the bet. Yes, I WON THE BET!!! With a 7 point spread, the Steelers had to beat Arizona by 7 points. They only beat Arizona by 4. The final score was 27-23. That's right, Steve is forced into servitude!!! *evil laughter* I will take it easy on him....NOT!!! Hmmm, now the evil plotting begins!!
I'm currently taking any and ALL suggestions for Steve's day of slavery to me. I already have a few ideas. Like driving my car through several mud puddles and making him wash off the dirt and grime with that Terrible Towel of his! So hit me up with some of your suggestions. What would you all like to see a true Steeler fan do who lost a bet???? AND YES THERE WILL BE PICTURES!!