Monday, March 22, 2010

So Sappy Sweet-You'll need to visit the dentist after!!

** YES!! My shirt does say "Will Fuck For Shoes". S bought it for me! **

2 years ago today my friends TL & V took me out dancing for my upcoming birthday. TL said that she invited a friend that she had known for years and thought we would get a long famously. TL played the go between sending pix of us back and forth to each other. From his pictures, he seemed cute and nice, so why not let him crash "Girl's Night Out". As we pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant/club, I saw THE.MOST.TALL.DARK.HANDSOME.MAN...EVER!!! I quietly prayed to myself "oh please let that be S, oh please let that be S." Then the panic started and I quietly prayed "oh no, that can't be S. oh crap!" Sure enough it was S.

He joined us for dinner while TL played interference and we both text her secretly about how cute the other one was. One thing led to another and I invited him to go out dancing with us. This was after he was so kind as to buy me a birthday shot of Jaeger...Man after my own heart! =D We exchanged numbers before he had to leave for a "guy's" thing. He promised to call me on Monday and he did. Of course, I had sent him some annoying and probably incoherent drunk texts that night as the girl's partied on. But he still called just like he said he would, a TRUE Gentleman!!! And as they say, the rest is history.

He is the kindest, sweetest, honest, most giving and generous person I had EVER met. And TL was right, we get along perfect. We LOVE the same music, movies, books, style. You name it and we have it in common. I had found my Soul Mate. I had never believed in LOVE at first sight until then. I once had thought I had fallen in love when I was 20 with Jason (that's a post for a later time), but I was wrong. I fell in love that night with S. And all these years later, I still get giddy and nervous and anxious just at the thought of seeing him. My heart skips a beat and flutters whenever I see him and I'm giggly like a school girl whenever we are together.

Sure things haven't always been smoothest, but what relationship doesn't have it's ups and downs??? But in the end, he owns my heart and always will!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

What a difference a year makes!

Today marks a milestone in my life. No I'm NOT getting married again and it's NOT my birthday. Nope, today is the anniversary of my divorce. I have OFFICIALLY been divorced for 1 year today.

I have to admit that I have mixed emotions about it. I LOVE being married. I LOVE being known as "Mrs. _____" I LOVE taking care of my husband and being BFFs. But it just didn't work. I AM happy to say that we are still GREAT friends. In fact, probably better friends than we were when we were married. I know that he has my back no matter what happens and I have his. I dare a woman to break his heart. She'll have to deal with my wrath. And of course, we have P-man. He is THE.MOST.IMPORTANT thing in our lives. I know "they" say that things happen for a reason. So if that means that P was the out come of that "reason" then it was well worth the ride.....NO pun intended!!! =D

Seriously though. T is a GREAT guy. ANY woman is lucky to capture his heart and his love. It just turns out that we made better friends then husband/wife. No regrets on my part. And I'm sure none on his....look what we got out of it. A spunky, loving, cheerful, happy son...who will be turning 5 in May...OMG time flies, but that's another post. You might be asking yourself: Do you miss T? Of course I do. We shared some AMAZING times together. I learned things about myself and grew as a woman and for that I thank him and will be ETERNALLY grateful. And sure we can still hang out, have a beer, rip on people and just be. I think that's the way it should be.

So on the anniversary of my divorce, I'm NOT going to cry. I'm going to remember the good times. And say Thank You, T, for allowing me to be a part of your life for 12 years!!! And here's to another 12!!!

Friday, March 19, 2010

Get our your rusty, dirty, dull knives

I miss S. I miss him SOOOO much. I would do ANYTHING to get him back. I miss the way he smiles and the way he laughs. I miss emailing him during the day and texting him at night and on kid weekends. I MISS HIM!!!! Ppl say that I should just move on, but I can't. How can you leave your soul mate?!?!? How???

I miss S. I miss him SOOOO much. There really isn't a point to this post other then that I miss him and I still love him. I always will!!!It took me years to find him and I'm NOT about to let him go. I just.....I just don't know what to do. He promises to talk to me, but he never does. I'm hanging on by a string. IDK what to do. I thought I once felt hurt like this before (that another post), but I never have. I have NEVER given my heart to someone unconditionally and had it broken. And as he will tell y'all, its my own fault. I'm the one that broke my own heart....and he's right. That's the part that sucks.

I miss S. I miss him SOOOO much. I want him back. I will do ANYTHING to get him back...ANYTHING. =( I miss texting him "good morning" and texting him "good night". I miss him. =(

Xzibit A

So as much as I LOVE Xzibit and I follow him on Twitter, this post is NOT about Xzibit. Although, OMG, I have to admit that I have a MAJOR crush on him. He's just SOOOO cute and funny, I just want to pinch his cheeks....the ones on his face....Jeez sickos!!! LOL. No this post is about WHY I'm thinking about going private. I know I said that Monday was going to be my last day public, but I have A LOT of friends on facebook who check out my blog periodically and I didn't want to totally go private. So I have stayed public. But with a comment made today, I'm really, seriously considering going private.

I did a blog post yesterday about P going into T-ball and how THAT MIGHT mean that he and Z will be on the same team, if nothing else, they will be playing against each other at some point in the season and I will have to look at Dbag's ugly ass face a couple of times in the season. ALL of the comments I received were positive and helpful....except for one. And I'm PRETTY sure I know who it came from. I did delete it from the comment section, but I'm having 2nd thoughts now. So I thought I would dedicate a complete blog post to it. Nothing pisses me off more than people who post shyt as "anonymous". How fraking chicken shit is that??? If you are going to spend the time and energy to read and then post a comment at least make yourself known. So here's the comment: Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "All I can do is laugh and Karma just might be a bi...": First of all I would to thank you for keeping me so entertained with your ludicrous remarks....I think the Dbag you should be referring to is yourself. I cannot believe how snowed your friends are in thinking that you have it soooo bad when in fact you bring on your own drama...know what I have to say about that....FUCK'N GROW UP!!!

Now I can't say 100% for sure if it is in fact the Dbag herself or one of her fat ugly sisters, but its someone in that VERY dysfunctional family. I'm guessing that its NOT the Dbag herself, because I have enough texts and emails from her to know that her grammar and spelling are worse than my pre-schoolers!!! And I'm pretty sure that IF the Dbag even knew what the word "ludicrous" meant, she wouldn't be able to spell it right. But still, it's comments like that that I can do without. I mean, really, is that necessary??? No. And really the energy and time that I'm spending on responding to it, I need to ask Goddess for that hour of my life back!!! But I digress. So I'm STILL contemplating going private, but as I have said before, I think being "private" on a public site is just dumb. So from here on out, I will no longer allow "anonymous" comments. If you aren't man OR woman enough to put your name to your comment, then Shut The Fuck Up!!!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

All I can do is laugh and Karma just might be a bitch!

Awwww...Spring is here!!! The days are staying lighter longer, the flowers are in bloom, the smell of fresh cut grass and the baseball season. I'm NOT a huge baseball fan...okay I'M NOT a baseball fan. I'm RTG by the 2nd inning. In fact the only thing I do like about baseball is sitting out in the sun, soaking up the rays and drinking beer. However, this year Pman will be playing his first season of T-ball and he's VERY excited about it. Its a right of passage of sorts. My brother played for years and I played softball for as long as I can remember. I remember my poor mom having to run between to totally difference ball field locations to drop one child off, get the other to their game, run back to the first, pick them up and then run back to the 2nd game. I don't think she EVER saw a complete game the ENTIRE time we played. But she was dedicated.

Oh right, to the reason of my post. So P-man is playing T-ball this year. In talking with my X this morning I found out that he signed P up to play in Kent. IDK why Kent. I live in Federal Way and the X lives in Auburn, he could've picked either city, but chose Kent. So what's the big deal, right??? Well, Zoe is also playing T-ball. Now at this age, I'm PRETTY sure that the teams are co-ed....which means, there is a good chance that they COULD be on the same team....see where I'm going with this?!?! Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? RIGHT-which means I MAY have to spend practice time AND games around Dbag. And even if they are NOT on the same team, I'm pretty sure chances are that they will have to play each other. Again, anyone? Anyone? RIGHT-I'll have to spend at least a couple of games in the season sitting across the stands from her. ARGH!!! WHICH ALSO means that the X and S will be around each other. I'm NOT so worried about them, they can be adults, its Dbag that worries me. *sigh*

I guess I shouldn't stress yet, we haven't even been contacted by the coach, so we really don't know IF they will be on the same team or not, but still. Just the thought of having to be in the same vicinity as her, makes me want to hurl. I mean what do I do? If they are on the same team, do I ask to have P moved to another team, although he would be playing with his best friend??? IDK.

What would you guys do? Should I just be the better person and let the kids play and try to stay out of her way?!?! ARGH!!! I'm stressing already. Guess I'll just wait to see what happens. I'll keep you all posted!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


Well its that time of year again. It's St. Patrick's Day. Erin Go Bragh, y'all!! As much as I typically look forward to this time of year, the corned beef, potatoes, the Guinness, the debauchery...sadly this year, I'm not. I'm Irish and can't even seem to get into the spirit this year. Sad, I KNOW!!! Of course I wore green today. Had to for Preston. He kept harping on me that he being a little leprechaun would come and pinch me if I didn't, so I put on my "Every Loves An Irish Girl" green t-shirt, put on a smile, had Lucky Charms for breakfast and dropped my little leprechaun off at school.....and then I cried. I miss S so much!!! I remember what we were doing this time last year. How happy we were. And now all I do is cry.

To get me out of my "funk" my friend V has asked me to go out with her tonight. A little socializing, some pool and some fresh air....funny, I don't want any part of it. I want to curl up into a little ball in my soft, warm bed and cry myself to sleep like I do most nights. I'm pathetic, I know. But I'll go, only because I made a promise, and I haven't had a "girls" night out in a while. Besides, if people can't trust and rely on your word, then you really have nothing. I will put on a smile, be nice, be polite, but the whole time I'll be missing and thinking about S. Wishing, hoping, praying that I could come home to his waiting arms, warm smile, sweet eyes and wonderful kisses. =(

I'm NOT drinking this year...for several reasons. Some more important than others, but I guess water can be just as fun right?!?! I just wish that she wasn't wanting to go out at 9:30pm. B-jesuz...doesn't she know that I'm old and I'm in bed by then....especially lately. But I'll go. Actually I'll probably sit in my car like Cameron from Ferris Bueller and contemplate going, only to finally go. But I'll still be missing S. This just fucking sucks!!!! I miss MY boyfriend and I want him back! I want to be happy again and I want to stop feeling/looking like Eeyore with a little black cloud over me.

Oh well. Erin Go Bragh! I hope you all have a great St. Patricks Day. Now go have a drink...or 6 for me!

Monday, March 15, 2010

I'm SORRY Baby!!!

Sometimes it takes someone elses words to express just how I'm feeling. Just how badly, I want S to know just how sorry I am and just how badly I want him back. *SOBS* All I can say is-I'm sorry.

Oh I had a lot to say, was thinking my time away
I miss you and things weren't the same
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry, it makes me want to die

I'm sorry, Im bad, I'm sorry, I'm blue
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my World go round
And I just wanted to say, I'm sorry

This time I think, I'm to blame
Its harder to get through the days
You get older and blame turns to shame
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry, it makes me want to die

I'm sory, I'm bad, I'm sorry, I'm blue
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know, I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby, the way you make my World go round
And I just wanted to say, I'm sorry

Every single day, I think about how we came all this way
The sleepless nights and the tears you cried
Its never to late to make it right

I'm sorry, baby
I'm sorry, baby

*Sorry by Buck Cherry*

Saturday, March 13, 2010

So much for MY happy ending!

Well, I think that picture pretty much sums up how I'm feeling. I miss S SOOO much. And yes, I was the one that did wrong. I lied to him. *SOBS* And you know, to be honest, I NEVER EVER cheated on him. NEVER EVER wanted to. NEVER EVER thought about it. Didn't even look at another man. But I lied. I lied about the dumbest of shit. I mean really stupid dumb ass shit. Like going out to dinner with my old boss and his wife. Well that was part true, P and I did go out to dinner with my old boss, even posted it on FB, even told S where we were going. But I lied about his wife being there. She wasn't. I should've just told S to come along with us and make it a great evening out. But for whatever reason, past relationships maybe, I lied. I thought....FUCK, IDK what the hell I was thinking. I wasn't cheating though. Then after dinner P and I planned to come home to S. Well that all went to hell. =(

Then took a friend out to lunch for his birthday. S asked if I had anything to drink. Again, knee-jerk reaction was to lie and say no. But I did. I had 1 & 1/2 beers. I know, I know, dumb of me. So I finally conceded and told S the truth, but it was too late. Oh yeah, also tried a Bacon Vodka Bloody Mary....its NOT my style. Talk about nursing something. I did tell S about that, but again too late. I'm not supposed to be drinking for several reasons, and I do good for about 2 weeks then I just HAVE to have something and so I did. I thought, fuck, its my friend's birthday and who will it hurt? I'll see S in 6 hours and will be sober by then. No big deal, right? WRONG!!! Man, was I WAY WRONG!!! And yes, fucking ratarded of me to post it on twitter. Go figure, the 1 time he actually checks out my twitter page. Never mind all the crap that's on there about hurting and missing him, that the 1 thing he zones in on. But again, can't blame S, its my doing, my fault.

There have been other little "white" lies here and there over the past 6 months or so. Ones that hurt him little by little tearing a hole, here I thought I was protecting me AND protecting him....nothing major....though as it turns out they were major...major to him. And yes, I DO know what its like to be lied to and I NEVER wanted to hurt S the way that I had been hurt. But I did. And as S told me, all I can do now is live with the consequences of MY actions. *SOBS*

But I miss him. I miss him soooo fucking much. I wish he knew how sorry I am, how messed up and empty I am without him. I wish he knew. But I can't tell him. Why you might ask? Well see, he's blocked me from EVERY media site. FB, Twitter, Mysp@ce, even my phone number is blocked, can't text, can't call. All because I screwed up and lied to him. *SOBS* ::have to wipe tears, insert music here:: I do know that he reads my blog...or I should say at least USED to read it, IDK if he does anymore. But I hope he knows that my heart is broken and I'm SO truly sorry. *SOBS* I never meant to hurt him...NEVER. But that seems to be my pattern. But all that's going to change!!! Turning over a new leaf. A new season is upon us and what better time to start making change than the present?!?!? And yes sometimes the truth will hurt, but you know what, it hurts a HELL of a lot less than being lied to.

So, S, if you are reading this, please just know how truly sorry I am. I hope and pray that you will let me back in and show you that I mean what I say. I.WILL.NEVER.HURT.OR.LIE.TO.YOU.AGAIN!!!! Even if it takes the rest of my life, I WILL prove that to you. I miss you terribly and I LOVE YOU dearly!!!! I miss my soul mate! *SOBS*

Friday, March 12, 2010

Broken hearted

I'm pretty sure that the title says it all. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on. This SUCKS!!! I miss S, SOOO much. I just wish there was some way, some how to stop the hurt. IDK, they say that in time ALL wounds heal, but then again I'm not sure that I want it to. Its the reminder I have of him. *SOBS* My heart was first broken back when I was 20, it took 12 years for that to heal and then I FINALLY met my soul mate. We laughed, we loved, we shared, we made plans for the future....and then I FUCKED UP!!! I mean we're not just talking a little whoopsie, I mean a MAJOR.FUCK.UP!!! The fuck up of ALL fuck ups. And so now he is gone and there is nothing I can do. My friends tell me to just give him time and space and things will work out. But I can't. See I'm SO fucking OCD that I have to keep pushing and pushing myself on him until I FINALLY pushed him away. *SOBS*

I LOVE EVERYTHING about this man. The way he smiles, laughs, kisses, touches. The way he smells, holds me, treated me well BEYOND belief. And the s3x, well....!!! What can I say?!?! He is SO perfect. EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED. EVERYTHING I EVER ASKED FOR. And he's gone. And I have no one to blame but myself. *SOBS* I miss the way we used to be. I mean he has my bite mark tattooed on him for Goddess sake and I have him and OUR kids tattooed on me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just want to curl up in a little ball and die.

I cry. I cry ALL the time. I cry to the point that I make myself throw up. *SOBS* And then I scream to just make the hurt go away. Nothing helps....NOTHING. The only thing that will make this hurt stop is to be near him again. I try to focus on Preston, but then it only reminds me of the times that we spent with S. Preston asks me how come he can't see S or Zoe??? And then I start to cry and sob all over again. *SOBS* Its one thing to hurt me, but when my son hurts, that just fucking sucks. And again, all I can do is blame myself.

I know, now everyone is going to go grab a dull, rusty kitchen knife. But these are some of the things that I'm dealing with. And I'm sure there will be MORE posts like this. I hope one day....soon, to be able to post that MY soul mate and I are back together. I would give ANYTHING to have S back in my...our lives. Until then, I shall continue to mourn my heart.

Bite me!!!

So since there is A LOT of shit going on right now, I'm putting my blog least for the mean time. At least until I can get some things figured out. I've already had to delete not one but TWO posts for ppl leaving certain comments and then making them "anonymous". FRAKIN' CHICKEN!!!! If you're not going to put your name, then don't say anything at all.

I hate the fact that I have to even censor myself. It sucks. It also sucks to go "private" cuz I'm probably THE biggest person to bitch about having something "private" on a public media site. If you wanted to keep your thoughts private, just invest in a diary. But I digress.

So, if you are at all interested in continuing to read my insanity, leave me a comment. I'll wait until Monday to completely go private. After that you'll have to DM me on Twitter or Facebook.