Friday, October 16, 2009

You can be my wing-man anyday!!

Last weekend I threw Steve a party for his 40th birthday. And while I PROMISE to post pix from the party, just as soon as the tech-savvy BF can fix my GD computer which wasn't really broken until he tried to "fix" it the last time....ARGH!! Sorry, I digress. For now though, I'm going to give you a little taste of what happened that night! A recap of the party via Ashlee and my text conversation:
Me: Hey, didn't that chick at the party Saturday night remind you of Cher from Clueless and her most responsible looking outfit?
Ashlee: Yes!! That was actually my first thought. I think I might have said a line from the movie to her and she was confused and thought i was creepy. Or i could have said something else to her but i know she thought i was creepy
Me:Well you are creepy
Ashlee: True. So it wasn't any diff. Yeah steve's friends prob think i'm super crazy. you might not want to invite me to the next party. Only save me for special occasions.
Me: Why? Aside from taking pix of your ass, what else did you? *and yes, I WILL be posting those pix*
Ashlee: Sing super loud in people's faces, or very close to them. And they weren't the correct words to the song. tell people the food was all for me. Tell peeps the food was not really what it was and then when they would ask my name, i would tell them a diff name everytime.
Me: Well thank goodness you were the annoying one at the party. Usually its me!
Ashlee: Lol i totally was looking out for you. I wanted his friends to like you so I stepped up my annoyingness to make you look better. I was taking one for the team
Me: I LOVE having a wing-man. Or in your case a wing-woman.
Ashlee: Yes ww for short. So keep me on your special list of: person i want to make me seem less annoying at a social event.
Me: Yes. next time I am your ww.
Funny. If I wasn't there, I would've sworn that Ashlee was drunk. Turns out, she's just naturally strange!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

From Breast Pumps to Martini Shakers....

Anyone who has read this blog, knows that sometimes...okay, most of the times, Ashlee and I miss understand what the other is saying or asking for. Well Ladies and Gentlemen, it will come as NO surprise to know that not only does it happen in person, but also via text. Last night I was driving home and forgot to grap something from Ashlee before leaving work, so I text her to let her know that I totally forgot. The conversation went like this:

Me: Damn, I forgot the pumps. There goes my social life! LOL

Ashlee: I don't get it.

Me: life!

Ashlee: What? Your texts are confusing me.

Me: Sorry, I meant that I want to include the breast pumps in my sex life. LOL

Ashlee: Ok. I was not understanding you. Now I do. You make me laugh. Lol the more you explain the more it makes more sense. then the funnier you get. For a sec i was wondering if you were drinking vodka chased with some pain meds

Me: Oh you know me SO well! Got my martini shaker in the passenger seat. Buckled in, of course.

Ashlee:Of course. Buckled up for safety. You can't be wastin the good stuff.

Me: Exactly, I have precious cargo. Maybe i should put my shaker in P's carseat. You know, just in case.

Ashlee: I think you should! Of make the sharker their own car seat.

Me: GENIUS! I'm going to Lowe's right now!

Ashlee: Good idea. Don't leave Lil S in the car! They might get stolen.

I think it goes without saying, Ashlee is going to make a GREAT Mom. Always looking out for the safety of our most precious cargo!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Triangle of Trust

With Ashlee and Mexi (aka Stupid Baby part Deux) leaving me in December, we have been interviewing people to come in and work part time. Mostly to keep me company so I don't start rocking back and forth in chair while hugging my knees and talking the freckles on my arm that I have just named. We only had one interview today and while the gal was filling out her application, we were already sizing her up and discussing her amongst ourselves. WHAT?!?! Its not like we were talking about her in front of her. Please! We did it behind her back via email!!

Ashlee: OMG this girl smells like Aussie hair products. LOL and eeeek at the same time.

Me: LOL. Funny, she doesn't look like her picture. (oh she had submitted her online resume with a picture of her. I'm pretty sure it was her senior portrait from like 5 years ago).

Ashlee: UMMMM not really at all. The eyes a little. Maybe she got the picture off the Internet. I think I'll put Katie Holmes as my resume pic. Who will you put?

Me: Well if you put Katie, then I will be your Tom.

Ashlee: Sounds like a deal. That's a good cliche! You'll be the Tom Cruise to my Katie Holmes. Good in a wedding speech.

Me: Perfect. Now you can write your speech for my wedding! You will be my Katie and Steve can be our Suri.

Ashlee: Even better. Steve can be Tom, you can be Katie and I can be Suri. We're a little family.

Me: Yes like the Tree of Trust.

Ashlee: No we are the Triangle of Trust. See there is 3 of us and a triangle has 3 sides.

Me: Perfect. *sneezes for the 1 millionth time*

Ashlee: Bless you

Me: Thanks. *puts antibacterial hand gel on my arm (I sneeze into my arm jeez)* Hey. I wonder if you can use antibacterial gel like a spermicide. You know in case you ever run out of spermicide.

Ashlee: Why don't you just pour Jager in your Vag?

Me: Can you do that?!?!

Ashlee: No wait, that's not right. That only speeds the little guys up.

Me: Do tell Yoda.

Ashlee: Ever notice how most pregnancies happen when you're drunk!

Cause I'm so gangsta!!

Today has been a mish-mash of miscommunication in this office. Which has let to some hilarity and I DON'T EVEN want to see what "Big Brother" caught on video!!! With me being sick and Ashlee being deaf, you can only imagine. Its getting close to noon and like an alarm clock, my tummy starts growling....hey, I'm a fat girl and I.NEED.TO.EAT!!! Not really, but I do love me some food. So Ashlee, who actually started this by saying that "baby" was getting hungry, asked what's to eat. The following conversation went something like this. Oh and it's partially visual, so you'll have to put on your Imagination Cap!

Ashlee: Mexi's hungry, what's for lunch?

Me: I don't know, but Mama's hungry!

Ashlee: Don't you have any Michelina's in the freezer? Cuz then you can "let Mama feed you"

Me: Yeah, but that doesn't sound good. I want some Taco Bell or McDonald's.

Ashlee: What?!?! You want to fuck some shit up in a suit??

Me: WHAT?!?! What are you talking about? I said I want some Taco Bell or McDonald's.

Ashlee: OOOOOH. I thought you said you wanted to fuck some shit up in a suit...

Me: *giggle* Dude, can you imagine walking into the Des Moines Goodwill, arms raised, throwing the gang sign yelling "I'm here to fuck yo shit up!"

Ashlee: *walking around office, arms raised throwing gang signs* Yeah bitches, we gonna fuck yo shit up.....while wearing my pimp suit! Then when I'm done fucking their shit up, I'll stop at the door, turn around and say "have a nice day. You just got yo shit fucked up".

Me: *LMFAO* No, no, dude wait. I would totally walk in there with my arms in the air and proudly annouce, "YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET YOUR SHIT FUCKED UP" then I would run down the aisles with my arms out like an airplane *running around the office like an airplane* and yell "ANARCHY, ANARCHY!! I'M FUCKING YOUR SHIT UP" Course I would totally be wearing my best pimp suit while doing it!

Ashlee: Totally and they would totally deserve it. Cuz we're gansta and we're just keeping it real. Cuz they don't know me. Hear that Goodwill, YOU.DON'T.KNOW.ME. *throws gang signs with arms raised* Oh Des Moines Goodwill, you don't even know what's coming for you.

And end scene. *bows* Okay, so you may not find it funny, but how the hell we got from lunch at Taco Bell to fucking shiz up at the local Goodwill in a Pimp Suit....guess you'd just have to work here to understand. And don't judge. You don't know us!!! *raises arms, throws gang signs*

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Say "man-pris" and you get pistol whipped

No secret, I hate man-pris. I think they are the "gayest" thing, since, well....Coldplay and macrame jean shorts! Apparently NOT everyone knows about my hatred and the support group that I have had to join because of it. Steve actually had the nerve to ask me if he could buy some:

Steve: What do you think about man-pris?

Me: I don't!

Steve: So no man-pris, huh?

Me: Negative Ghost Rider. You are not clear for man-pris. Please return to base. IMMEDIATELY!

Steve: Even while mountain biking?

Me: Roger that, Shippy.

Steve: Awwww. So I should probably cancel my order then, huh?

Me: Yeah. However, I've been trained to say that "We have a don't ask, don't tell policy around here"

Steve: But you're not supposed to expose your knees below 60 degrees..... (blah, blah, blah, I stopped listening at this point)

Me: I'm sorry Sir, this is a secured line, I'm gonna have to ask you to stop communicating on it.

Sadly, I know that the next time we go mountain biking, he's going to show up in man-pris (probably listening to Coldplay and driving a truck with a bumper sticker that says "I like balls on my chin"). I'm a slave to fashion just as much as the next person, but when I'm out mountain biking, getting dirty (yes, I head for EVERY mud hole) and sweaty, that's the point where I just say "fuck it" my knees are already screwed up from years of soccer and cheer-leading. I say bring on the cold weather Mother Nature. BRING.IT.ON!!! *shakes fist in air* (however I will take pix so we can all laugh as Steve awaits the Great Flood. You go Moses, you go!)