Well, I think that picture pretty much sums up how I'm feeling. I miss S SOOO much. And yes, I was the one that did wrong. I lied to him. *SOBS* And you know, to be honest, I NEVER EVER cheated on him. NEVER EVER wanted to. NEVER EVER thought about it. Didn't even look at another man. But I lied. I lied about the dumbest of shit. I mean really stupid dumb ass shit. Like going out to dinner with my old boss and his wife. Well that was part true, P and I did go out to dinner with my old boss, even posted it on FB, even told S where we were going. But I lied about his wife being there. She wasn't. I should've just told S to come along with us and make it a great evening out. But for whatever reason, past relationships maybe, I lied. I thought....FUCK, IDK what the hell I was thinking. I wasn't cheating though. Then after dinner P and I planned to come home to S. Well that all went to hell. =(
Then took a friend out to lunch for his birthday. S asked if I had anything to drink. Again, knee-jerk reaction was to lie and say no. But I did. I had 1 & 1/2 beers. I know, I know, dumb of me. So I finally conceded and told S the truth, but it was too late. Oh yeah, also tried a Bacon Vodka Bloody Mary....its NOT my style. Talk about nursing something. I did tell S about that, but again too late. I'm not supposed to be drinking for several reasons, and I do good for about 2 weeks then I just HAVE to have something and so I did. I thought, fuck, its my friend's birthday and who will it hurt? I'll see S in 6 hours and will be sober by then. No big deal, right? WRONG!!! Man, was I WAY WRONG!!! And yes, fucking ratarded of me to post it on twitter. Go figure, the 1 time he actually checks out my twitter page. Never mind all the crap that's on there about hurting and missing him, that the 1 thing he zones in on. But again, can't blame S, its my doing, my fault.
There have been other little "white" lies here and there over the past 6 months or so. Ones that hurt him little by little tearing a hole, here I thought I was protecting me AND protecting him....nothing major....though as it turns out they were major...major to him. And yes, I DO know what its like to be lied to and I NEVER wanted to hurt S the way that I had been hurt. But I did. And as S told me, all I can do now is live with the consequences of MY actions. *SOBS*
But I miss him. I miss him soooo fucking much. I wish he knew how sorry I am, how messed up and empty I am without him. I wish he knew. But I can't tell him. Why you might ask? Well see, he's blocked me from EVERY media site. FB, Twitter, Mysp@ce, even my phone number is blocked, can't text, can't call. All because I screwed up and lied to him. *SOBS* ::have to wipe tears, insert music here:: I do know that he reads my blog...or I should say at least USED to read it, IDK if he does anymore. But I hope he knows that my heart is broken and I'm SO truly sorry. *SOBS* I never meant to hurt him...NEVER. But that seems to be my pattern. But all that's going to change!!! Turning over a new leaf. A new season is upon us and what better time to start making change than the present?!?!? And yes sometimes the truth will hurt, but you know what, it hurts a HELL of a lot less than being lied to.
So, S, if you are reading this, please just know how truly sorry I am. I hope and pray that you will let me back in and show you that I mean what I say. I.WILL.NEVER.HURT.OR.LIE.TO.YOU.AGAIN!!!! Even if it takes the rest of my life, I WILL prove that to you. I miss you terribly and I LOVE YOU dearly!!!! I miss my soul mate! *SOBS*