Friday, March 12, 2010

Broken hearted

I'm pretty sure that the title says it all. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on. This SUCKS!!! I miss S, SOOO much. I just wish there was some way, some how to stop the hurt. IDK, they say that in time ALL wounds heal, but then again I'm not sure that I want it to. Its the reminder I have of him. *SOBS* My heart was first broken back when I was 20, it took 12 years for that to heal and then I FINALLY met my soul mate. We laughed, we loved, we shared, we made plans for the future....and then I FUCKED UP!!! I mean we're not just talking a little whoopsie, I mean a MAJOR.FUCK.UP!!! The fuck up of ALL fuck ups. And so now he is gone and there is nothing I can do. My friends tell me to just give him time and space and things will work out. But I can't. See I'm SO fucking OCD that I have to keep pushing and pushing myself on him until I FINALLY pushed him away. *SOBS*

I LOVE EVERYTHING about this man. The way he smiles, laughs, kisses, touches. The way he smells, holds me, treated me well BEYOND belief. And the s3x, well....!!! What can I say?!?! He is SO perfect. EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED. EVERYTHING I EVER ASKED FOR. And he's gone. And I have no one to blame but myself. *SOBS* I miss the way we used to be. I mean he has my bite mark tattooed on him for Goddess sake and I have him and OUR kids tattooed on me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just want to curl up in a little ball and die.

I cry. I cry ALL the time. I cry to the point that I make myself throw up. *SOBS* And then I scream to just make the hurt go away. Nothing helps....NOTHING. The only thing that will make this hurt stop is to be near him again. I try to focus on Preston, but then it only reminds me of the times that we spent with S. Preston asks me how come he can't see S or Zoe??? And then I start to cry and sob all over again. *SOBS* Its one thing to hurt me, but when my son hurts, that just fucking sucks. And again, all I can do is blame myself.

I know, now everyone is going to go grab a dull, rusty kitchen knife. But these are some of the things that I'm dealing with. And I'm sure there will be MORE posts like this. I hope one day....soon, to be able to post that MY soul mate and I are back together. I would give ANYTHING to have S back in my...our lives. Until then, I shall continue to mourn my heart.

No comments: