The "experts" (whoever they are) say that it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. Well, starting tonight,I'm going to break my habit. It started innocently enough as most habits do. A glass of wine after work. Which then led to a glass of wine after work and one with dinner. Which then led to a glass of wine after work, one with dinner and one after that. Before I knew it, I was downing a bottle a night. Now don't get me wrong, I wouldn't call myself an alcoholic...it's not like I NEED the wine to get me through the day, but still, more often than not, I find myself gravitating to the bottle. I would HATE to figure up how much I have spent on wine in the last 6 months of living on my own....and maybe that's just it...maybe I drink out of boredom like some people eat out of boredom. Anyhow, whatever the reason, it stops tonight.
The sad thing is....I just don't know how to do it. Cold turkey, join a support group, go exercise. (Damn if that's the answer, I'll NEVER get out of the gym.) Its become a habit for me. I stop at my fav place on the way home, pickup a bottle and enjoy my evening, but the bottle has started to fuck with me. I've been having insomnia like NO other. Sure I fall asleep (aka pass out) just fine, but I wake up at 3am with a splitting headache then I'm up until 7 and just when I'm starting to go back to sleep, that damn alarm goes off!! Its fucking with my personal AND maybe more importantly, professional life. I can barely keep my eyes open at work. So tonight it ends!
IDK what it is, genetics, the thought of independence, rebellion, sneaking it from whomever, IDK, but it ends tonight! Sadly the "fruit of the Gods" has really done nothing more than wrecked havoc on my life. I have fought with my Love, giving up hobbies, ignored friends, etc...all I can think about is grabbin another glass of wine. Red, White, Rose it doesn't matter, I LOVE them all. But tonight it ends.
Not to mention that I have put on about 10 pounds in the last year from drinking alone. I know it won't be easy...the right thing NEVER is, but I'm hoping...no I'm sure, it'll be worth it. I LOVE my size 8 pants, which might sound big to some of you, but the last time I was a size 8 was when I was getting married 8 years ago (I have wide hips, which became wider after having a baby, so sue me!). I was in peak form then. Working out 5 days/week, eating right, not really drinking except MAYBE on the weekends.
The easiest time for me to quit drinking was when I was pregnant with P-man. A friend once told me to just pretend that I was pregnant, that would help. The downside was that my brain knew I wasn't and so I would crave the "sauce". IDK who to blame it on...it's so much easier that way, don't you think? Perhaps, my alcoholic Grandparents on both sides? I mean, some of my fondest memories are of family parties where the adults are playing poker and Uncle Kermit gets so drunk that he falls down, skins his knee and then ends up in the pool. Or is it my Irish heritage or my Indian heritage for that matter? My loneliness? Perhaps even something deeper...maybe I'm just not happy with myself and the way things are. (WOW, that's deep). But whatever the reason, it ends tonight.
See here's where things start to suck. On Saturday Steven and I are going to see Wicked. It would be nice to have some wine at dinner or at intermission. I'm throwing Steven's birthday party on October 10th, again would be nice to have a drink. We are going away on a secret vacation the 23rd of October, would be nice to drink. Is it an illusion to think that I can have a few drinks on those "special" nights then nothing during the week? And of course, football season starts this Thursday. For me football=beer. W.T.F is wrong with me?!? (Starting to sound like an alcoholic yet?) If it doesn't revolve around food or booze then I want NO part of it. Perhaps it would be better if I were preggo, then I would have a valid excuse to not drink. Perhaps its that I've ALWAYS been known as the "party girl" if I lose that identity, then what do I have!?!? Will I still be fun to be around?!? IDK, honestly, I hate crowds. Alcohol makes me lose my inhibitions....WOW that sounds like something you would hear in AA!! I like to think that generally, I'm a "people person" but, IDK, I get REALLY shy around new people and alcohol makes me more....open to go talk to them.
I don't care, whatever the reason(s) it stops tonight. In the words of Linkin Park "I don't know what's worth fighting for Or why I have to scream, I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean. I don't know how I got this way, I know it's not alright, So I'm breaking the habit TONIGHT"
6 years ago