Saturday, February 6, 2010

Day 1 part deux (times a thousand)

` I was doing so good, damn-it, then I went to court and lost to the cunt. ARGH!!! Well that just sent me on a downward spiral....I went on pretty much a 3 day binger. Back to my old habits of drinking wine to ease the pain and pissing off those that I love. I won't rehash the court post, you can read it for yourself, but let's just say that I'm TOTALLY, COMPLETELY, UTTERLY pissed off at the State of Washington, the City of Kent and their eff-ing judges, but I digress. Anyhow as I was saying, I turned to my friend Mr. Wine to ease the pain and disappointment. The first day, I held it together pretty well...although Steven had to put me to bed at 6:30pm ONLY for me to pop up wide awake at 10:30pm to want to do it all again. The next day it got worse. I started fights with him via texts, he took back his house keys, more fights via texts. Then name calling, cheap shots AND lies....ALL on my part. What can I say??? I'm a horrible bitch of a drunk.

So what is a girl to do after she's fucked everything up??? The ONLY thing she can do, I begged and pleaded for forgiveness....again!!! On hands and knees I grovelled. Its wasn't a pretty sight, I'll tell you that. Once I would wake up from my stupor, I realized what I had done. I pushed away my soul mate. OMG, I'm a fucking bitch!!! No, no, really you all can agree.

Now what?, you might be asking. Well now I start all over again. Back to day one, for the thousandth time. Day one.....a day that he shouldn't have given me. Day one....a day that he DID give me. He agreed to talk (again) if I was sober....and I was. It was....easy, dare I say. I didn't even want to look at, think about or see a bottle of wine or an ounce of alcohol. I want to be a better woman for him.....and more importantly for Master P. I want to be there for them in spirit and in person. I was there in body, but not in other capacity.

Its tough, I'm NOT going to lie. But BOTH of the men in my life are SO totally worth the fight. I just hope that they know it. And so, Day 1 is done and over with. I didn't even think about having a drink, I didn't even WANT to have a drink. I just wanted to end the day with MY boys!!!

No comments: