Day 1 part deux (times a thousand)

` I was doing so good, damn-it, then I went to court and lost to the cunt. ARGH!!! Well that just sent me on a downward spiral....I went on pretty much a 3 day binger. Back to my old habits of drinking wine to ease the pain and pissing off those that I love. I won't rehash the court post, you can read it for yourself, but let's just say that I'm TOTALLY, COMPLETELY, UTTERLY pissed off at the State of Washington, the City of Kent and their eff-ing judges, but I digress. Anyhow as I was saying, I turned to my friend Mr. Wine to ease the pain and disappointment. The first day, I held it together pretty well...although Steven had to put me to bed at 6:30pm ONLY for me to pop up wide awake at 10:30pm to want to do it all again. The next day it got worse. I started fights with him via texts, he took back his house keys, more fights via texts. Then name calling, cheap shots AND lies....ALL on my part. What can I say??? I'm a horrible bitch of a drunk.



So what is a girl to do after she's fucked everything up??? The ONLY thing she can do, I begged and pleaded for forgiveness....again!!! On hands and knees I grovelled. Its wasn't a pretty sight, I'll tell you that. Once I would wake up from my stupor, I realized what I had done. I pushed away my soul mate. OMG, I'm a fucking bitch!!! No, no, really you all can agree.



Now what?, you might be asking. Well now I start all over again. Back to day one, for the thousandth time. Day one.....a day that he shouldn't have given me. Day one....a day that he DID give me. He agreed to talk (again) if I was sober....and I was. It was....easy, dare I say. I didn't even want to look at, think about or see a bottle of wine or an ounce of alcohol. I want to be a better woman for him.....and more importantly for Master P. I want to be there for them in spirit and in person. I was there in body, but not in other capacity.



Its tough, I'm NOT going to lie. But BOTH of the men in my life are SO totally worth the fight. I just hope that they know it. And so, Day 1 is done and over with. I didn't even think about having a drink, I didn't even WANT to have a drink. I just wanted to end the day with MY boys!!!

Court sucks

For those of you who are my "friends" on facebook you already know this, for those of you who aren't, let me recap: On January 21st I filed an anti-harassment restraining order against the cunt...aka, Steve's ex wife, for me AND Preston (that's the important part, keep that part in mind). Today, February 3rd was our court date. And OMFG, things DID NOT turn out how I hoped. =(

I got to court early, our hearing was scheduled for 8:30am, I was there at 8:15. Finally at about 11am, it was my turn. I presented my case....with evidence. Like all of her FB messages to me, emails and over 1000 texts (no shittin) from her and her "son". She then presented her side. My emails to her, etc, etc. The judge heard both sides. I looked professional with ALL evidence in order, dressed in my most responsible looking outfit, and I was looking DAMN good, might I just say. Even my hair was having a good day. She looked like a homeless person with scraps of paper scattered here and there, dressed in what I'm pretty sure are Steve's old clothes, no makeup and I'm sure that she doesn't own a brush. Sadly, in the end, the judge said that she just didn't see any form of "unlawful" harassment *record scratches* EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME?!?! The cunt VERBALLY threatened MY son. Her kids will ONLY refer to me as "the bitch"....including the 4 year old. I have over 394 texts from the cunt in a span of 2 1/2 days. 2 1/2 days people!!! How does that NOT meet the definition of "unlawful" harassment?!?! I mean, BOTH Steve and I have told her to leave me the fuck alone. And yet she continues to harass me.

Am I completely innocent in the case...NO! I did text her back. But still. She has let air out of my tires, keyed my car and harassed me AND my son to no end. Still, the judge didn't see anything wrong with that. I brought up the point that the cunt has a DV charge and vandalism charge against her in Pierce county. And still, no "unlawful" harassment. WTF does she have to do, kill me,before they take this seriously?!?! No wonder our system is SO screwed up. ARGH. I'm so BEYOND frustrated and disappointed. And the worst part was having to watch the cunt walk out of that court room with a stupid smirk on her ugly face. Makes me just want to punch her.

IDK what to do next. I know she won't stop. Oh sure, things will quiet down for a few months, but she'll start up again. And when the Judge asked the cunt why she texts me so much, you know what the DBag said? Because she "just doesn't like me". Are you kidding me??? Grow up, you are 40 years old. Get a life...or better yet, get a job for that matter.

Maybe I did something wrong. Maybe I didn't bring enough evidence to court with me. But come on. I have 3 months worth of text records from her. Umpteen FB messages and emails from her. I even brought copies of emails that Steven had sent to her asking her to stop contacting me. Her only explanation...hope you're sitting down for this. She "wants to break us up so Steve will come back home and she won't have to work." Oh yeah and she "just doesn't like me". The judge told us both to grow up and then excused us.....with the cunt winning and wearing that stupid smirk on her ugly ass face. ARGH!!! I hate our court system. I can maybe...MAYBE understand the courts not issuing a no contact for me...but NOT issuing a "no contact" for P. Are you kidding me??? He has nightmares of the cunt coming to get us. What's wrong with the female judge???

But never fear friends, the judge did say that she's leaving the case open so that as soon as I get a text message, FB message or what not from the cunt, I can refile. Not to be a total bitch, but I'm hoping she contacts me soon!!!

Day 5

Today marks day 5 since I've had a drink. No cheating, no sneaking, NO drinking. Has it been hard, yes!!! But I have found that I've been sleeping better THAN EVER!!!! I even wake up BEFORE my alarm...okay, just shoot me for that. But honestly, I've been sleeping better than ever!! Who knew?!?! I mean, somewhere, in my "sober" brain, I always knew that I slept better and woke up more refreshed after not drinking. Although I KNEW all of this, I would still wind up having 1 glass of wine to relax from a hard day at work, 1 glass would soon lead to 2 glasses and before I knew it, 2 BOTTLES were gone and I would pass out and wake up feeling shitty. NO MORE!!!

I have to say that so far my brother has been a HUGE support system. In just 8 short days, he will have been sober for 1 year. I asked him if its tough... "everyday" he said. I asked him if he has ever wanted a drink SO bad that he just couldn't take it...."everyday" he said. He is now my rock. Who knew that the "little" brother would be taking care of his "big" sister??? But he's been there, he knows what I'm going through and he has promised to support me EVERY step of the way.

Do I have an end date in mind? No. There are pub crawls coming up this summer with my friends, will I drink? IDK yet. I hope not, but when in Reno! LOL. All I know is that if I want things to turn around, I'm the ONLY one who can do it. So I've made a promise to myself. If...IF I can last 6 months, I will get a new tattoo. And at the 1 year mark, I will get my Fairie wings that I have ALWAYS wanted. Steven has gone one step farther. If I can make it to the 6 month point, we are going to Hawaii. He will pay for EVERYTHING. Well if that isn't incentive, then IDK what is. I've never been to Hawaii. And Steven said that if I make it to the 1 year mark, then we are going to Paris. OMG!!! The City of Lights. I have ALWAYS dreamt about going to Paris. The shops! The food!! The Eiffel Tower. Come one, its the city of "love". I won't even go near the wine section of the grocery store if it means I get to go to Paris. I won't even mention the word "wine" if it means I get to go to Paris. Guess I better get my passport.

In the end, my little brother is right....1 day at a time. Today is day 5. Will I have a drink? NO!! Tomorrow is day 6. I won't even start thinking about tomorrow until I wake up in the morning. Then day 7, so on and so forth. One step at a time and One day at a time. If I happen to fall down, no big deal, I won't be hard on myself. I will just pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again. I WILL beat this and I WILL make Steven the happiest man on the planet. I know I can do this and I appreciate Steven's support SO much....SO much more than he will EVER know. I LOVE him. And I want to be the sweet, sweet ever loving GF that he sees when my "other" personality doesn't come out.

So as they say in our local afternoon radio program The Men's Room, "bottoms up sailors".....here's to NO "liquor and whores"!!! And here's to Hawaii and Paris!!!

BTW~ I have LOST 3 pounds in the last 5 days from NOT drinking. Well if that isn't motivation, IDK what is. Me, a bikini and Hawaii with my soul mate=Heaven!!!

Tick Tock, Tick Tock

So I find myself FASTLY approaching 35....gasp!!! And in fastly approaching that age, I find myself yearning for a new baby. Master P will soon be turning 5 on the 23rd of May and at 35, I always pictured myself with a 2nd child. *sigh* Again trying to be honest and not really knowing what to say, I want a baby. Is it because my biological clock is going off or because my co-worker just had a baby OR is it because EVERYWHERE I go I see pregnant women, IDK.

I want to get big and "fat" with a baby. I want to read to him/her every night while still in the womb. I want to go 2 months without sleep. I want to feel him/her kick and roll around for the first time. I want to wonder for 10 months whom she or he will look like. What part of me will they get?? My eyes? The "Reilly" nose? What?? I want a baby. I want a baby, but I ALSO want a partner in this venture. So much more than in the past.

I want to smell that sweet, sweet smell of Johnson's and Johnson's bath wash. I want to be the Stay-at-home-Mom that welcomes her husband, with babe in arm, home from his busy day. I want to teach another child sign language and to count and say their alphabet in French....I want a baby.

IDK How to get it or what it means. All I know is that my biological clock is going off and I want another baby before I'm 36. That gives me about 1 1/4 years. I just the perfect partner who also shares in this next venture of my life.

Sorry, don't mean to scare anyone off. But it's just how I feel. I DON'T need to have a baby to feel "Complete" I already have the perfect boy, but I have just always known that I would have two kids.

My Life in Lists

So after my last candid blog post (as Daylene noted) I thought I would let y'all into a little bit more of my psyche. Scary, isn't it?? I thought I would give you a list of my top 5 things in a few categories. Some are going to end up in your column of "well, DUH!" and some will be in the column of "oh WOW, I had NO idea." Shall we begin our journey into the dark, scary place known as my brain?!?!



My 5 Favorite Nostalgic Childhood Foods

1. PB & J sandwiches with Grape jelly and cut into 4's
2. Magic Shell
3. Tang
4. "fold over sandwiches" (ie just butter on a a piece of bread folded over)
5. Lik-m-aid

The 5 Articles of Clothing I Would Remove From Existence

1. Crocs and Uggs
2. Cut off jean shorts (and, YES I used to wear them....in the late 80's)
3. Baggy jeans
4. Pastels for men
5. Low rise jeans...especially on people with muffin tops who show their thongs!

5 Things That Always Bring Tears To My Eyes

1. Parents outliving their children
2. The birth of a baby
3. A wedding
4. The tears of a loved one
5. When Preston tells me that he loves me

The 5 Things I'd Take To A Desert Island

1. Lotion
2. Family Photos
3. A Cashmere Blanket
4. My iPod shuffle
5. Preston

5 Things That ALWAYS Bring A Smile To My Face

1. Preston
2. Steven
3. A good comedic movie
4. Cuddling up with those that I love
5. My family and friends

5 Things That Always Make Me Laugh

1. Preston
2. Steven
3. People who shop at Wal-Mart
4. When other people get hurt/fall
5. People who carry their dogs around in their purses
6. (this is an added bonus) Just stupid people in general. Like the DBag. =D

5 Things I Could NEVER Live Without

1. Preston
2. Laughter
3. A good book
4. Stormy weather, a fireplace and someone to cuddle up with
5. Good friends, good food, good wine and family

5 More Things I Could Never Live Without

1. A good Bra
2. A nice pair of high heels, like Manolo, Jimmy Choo or Colin Stewart
3. My hair straightener
4. A tan
5. Music

5 Movies I Could Watch Over and Over

1. Some Like It Hot
2. An Affair To Remember
3. Super Troopers
4. Dumb and Dumber
5. Rocky Horror Picture Show

5 Of My Favorite Theatrical Productions

1. Cats
2. Cabaret
3. The Nutcracker
4. Wicked
5. La Boheme

5 Things That Just Drive Me Nuts

1. People who can't drive
2. Stupid people in general
3. Injustice
4. The parenting laws in Washington State
5. People who only look out for their own pocket books

5 Completely Random Facts

1. I have 6 tattoos
2. I have at one time had as many as 13 piercings
3. I will ALWAYS be a California girl at heart
4. Had my heart broken at 21, it was finally repaired before my 33rd birthday
5. My son has me wrapped around his little finger and I spoil him rotten

5 Things I Miss Dearly

1. Saturday morning Cartoons that lasted from 7am -Noon
2. 3 months of Summer Vacation
3. My Family
4. My Friends in California
5. My Guess jeans!!

So, that's my life in lists. What about you guys? What do you love? What do you love to hate? What just drives you nuts?!?! What do you miss??? Love to hear!!!

Step-kids

I'm sitting here as Preston lays in a quiet slumber..okay NOT so quiet! I feel SO sorry for his future wife. That kid snores like there's no tomorrow. But IDK. I'm at a loss for words. I wish I could say something funny...something profound...something that someone could take away from this post and make their day better with, but I'm just not in that kind of mood. IDK why I'm here or what I'm trying to say. Perhaps I should talk about my New Year's goals. Perhaps I should recap 2009 for y'all. But I guess what I REALLY want to talk about is being a child of divorced parents.

It's NOT easy. I think the hardest toll is on us kids. We blame ourselves. Whether its our fault OR not (usually not) we blame ourselves. My parents got divorced when I was 2 years old. My little brother was barely out of the womb before the ink was dry on the divorce papers. I have NO recollection of time spent with my Dad other than a few pictures that I have seen here or there. And after he left, I ONLY saw him at certain holidays, my graduation (which I had to bully him into going to) and FINALLY my Wedding. Even after my wedding it was YEARS before I saw him again. I ALWAYS have to be the one to fly to Reno and his grandson was 2 BEFORE my Dad actually saw him in person. So going into a relationship with someone who is divorced with 2 kids and I myself, divorced with one, I think I have an unique perspective...or at least I would like to think so. Let me just say this: Disney and the other film studios have portrayed "Step-Moms" in a negative light. Lord knows that I have had my fair share...6 and counting. Did I like my latest "Step-Mom" at first??? NO. I was rude and mean to her. I told her that "I was too old for a Step-Mom and that I already had plenty of friends". Was I wrong??? YES. I was also 22, knew everything about the World and was COMPLETELY WRONG!!!!

I came to know and LOVE my Step-Mom for what she was and what she wasn't. She was/is MY friend. We found a common interest and common ground. IE: Horror movies and ghost stories. She believed in the super-natural like I did and didn't think I was crazy for it. She took an interest IN my interest. She saw me in my true light. A (at the time) 22 year old woman out on her own for the first time. And through my marriage, child birth and now, most recently, divorce, she has been by my side and utterly, sometimes brutally, honest. Have I always done things the "right" way?? NO, but who has??? She has LOVED me for me, not for what I wanted to be or for what I pretended to be, but for the REAL me...no strings attached.

She has been completely, utterly and sometimes, sharply honest with me. But she knows that she can, cuz she knows that she's the ONLY one who can. We are NOT tied together by blood, but by friendship. And I MISS her dearly. You see, she lives in Reno with my Dad. That's 800 miles away from me. I love my Dad with ALL of my heart...once a Daddy's girl, ALWAYS a Daddy's girl. But sometimes I get the feeling that Dad doesn't really know what to do with me. I think he still sees me as the 2 year old girl that he left behind.

I'm all grown up now. Did he walk be down the aisle? NO, I believe that right is earned and NOT just given to you because you donated sperm. (BTW~my brother, John, walked me down the aisle at my wedding) But we do have common interest, my Dad and I. We both LOVE NASCAR, we love to golf and we love to play darts. And I KNOW that I can drink his old ass under the table!! LOL Yet, somehow he would rather do those things with my brothers. Well you know what they say "Whatever a boy can do, girls can do better". So I have found a kindred spirit in my Step-Mom. Will she ever replace my "real" mom??? NO. But when times get tough and I don't know where to turn and I need a true friend who will tell me the truth NOT just what I want to hear, I find that I ALWAYS turn to my Step-Mom. Not to mention, I can tell her the MOST intimate of details and NOT get embarrassed about it.

Man, Walt Disney, did you have Step-Moms pegged ALL wrong! And now that I find myself, at 34 in the role of a soon-to-be-someday Step-Mom, I see it SO much clearer. We are NOT the evil, horrid creatures that you made us out to be, that ALL of us girls grew up watching. I DO NOT want to stick my step-daughter in the highest tower of the tallest castle because she is more beautiful. (I mean obviously, her father married me for a reason.) I DO NOT want to send some witch after her with a basket full of apples to put her in a coma like state until a Prince can come kiss her and wake her up. I want the best for MY child AND MY step-children, if I should ever have them. I want my step-kids to know that they ARE NOT the only ones to have gone through a divorce. You DO NOT need a Prince OR Princess to come kiss you and wake you from a 100 year slumber. You are strong individuals whom I support fully in your endeavor, whatever that may be. I WILL NEVER take the place of your Mom, NOR do I want to. But, maybe...just maybe in a time of hardship, when you need someone AND no one else can understand, relate or listen, I WILL be there for you.

Reasons why I'm glad I DON'T have a baby girl OR this MIGHT explain why I am the way I am

Today's entry actually comes from a blog that I read daily....or at least whenever he decides to post. I follow him and he's hysterically funny...at least for all of those parents out there. I just couldn't help but repost this when I read it! So here are the reason's why I think that the Disney Princesses are even worse than Barbie for the feminine psyche courtesy of Cheeky's Dad!

At least Barbie became an Astronaut, a pediatrician, a veterinarian, a teacher, a chef and a rock star! I have to ask, What have you, Disney Princesses done for us lately?!?!