I Do!

Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary. I say would have been, because as of March 20th of 2009, I have been divorced. Its sad for me. However, on one hand, I LOVE where my life is going. On the other hand, I miss what would have been. I miss being a wife. In fact, I LOVED being a wife. I miss being a Mrs. I remember EVERY aspect of today. Just ask me...at 4am, I know what I was doing. At 8am, I know where I was. At 3 pm, I know what I was decorating and at 5 pm, I know what I was drinking.

I remember waking up that Saturday morning hearing the saddest news ever...one of my dearest friends had died of "AIDS" and another one of my long time neighbors ( who was there when my Mom was born) had died as well....perhaps that was an omen. But still the day went on. I waited anxiously for my BFF, Kim to bring me my Happy Meal while I perfected my make up for the 5th time. I was bound to get it right. I wanted this day to be perfect...it WAS GOING TO BE PERFECT!! My Maid of Honor and most dearest friends, Patty was up from California...she brought the tequila...she knows what I like and knows what calms my nerves....ever aspect of that day, I remember. I remember my Mom walking back into the Bride's room after seeing Todd in his tux for the first time and crying, Mom was in charge of the boutonnieres. I thought "OMG, he changed his mind"....funny now to think that I'm the one that changed her mind. I remember my brother, John, dressed in his tux riding his skateboard around the grounds while we were trying to take our picture. I remember arguing with my bride's maids about who was going to hold my dress up because I had to go to the bathroom. I remember almost being late to the alter because Patty kept offering us "one last" shot of tequila, and my friend Dawn being the "party pooper" because she wouldn't partake in the tradition. I remember the smell of the ocean air, the way the sun shown, the way my flowers from Pike's Place Market smelt. I remember thinking "I should have asked my Dad to walk me down the aisle" Although my Brother was the one to stand by my side just has he had always done when we were kids. I remember all of this and much more. I remember starting the ceremony, facing each other just as a ski boat with twin-jet engines roared up and then cut off the engines to watch, thinking "OMG, he's going to ruin the ceremony". I remember not getting a piece of my wedding cake (beside what was shoved up my nose) because I was too busy dancing with my friends and out of town guests....I remember the bouquet toss (Tonya caught it) and the garter toss (my Brother caught it...yeah that's just weird). I remember the new 2001 Black Dodge Dakota being decorated by my Brother, my Uncle and our other friends. I remember all of this and more.

I wonder though, as the years go by and the memories fade, what will I remember? Will I forget any of it? Will I forget how nervous I was saying my vows? Will I forget the people that where there? The friends that flew in that day and flew out that night? The way that my Star Gazer Lilies from Pike's Place Market smelled? Will I forever remember how nervous I was with the expectation that came along with the wedding ring, to now and forever be Mrs. Russell?

Honestly, I hope I don't forget any of it. Yes, times change, people change. I am no longer Mrs. Russell, but rather Ms. Russell. However, it was the second best day of my life (aside from Preston being born), so far and I wouldn't change any of it. And with that tonight, I shall eat my cake, drink my wine and say Happy Anniversary to Me!

You want me to put my mouth where?!?!

I'm not sure how many of you are aware of this, but on Labor Day (Monday) writer, director and actor extraordinaire, Kevin Smith (Silent Bob from Clerks) hosted a 24 hour Tweet-a-thon. Basically you could tweet Kevin and if you were one of the lucky ones (of which Steve and I were NOT...that fat bastard, see if I EVER watch Jersey Girl or Clerks again!!) he would answer your question.

BTW~let me interject here and just say that I.AM.TOTALLY.FUCKING.STOKED.BEYOND.BELIEF.THAT.STEVE.AND.I.ARE.GOING.TO.SEE.HIM.IN.OCTOBER! Not that I'm bragging or anything. *neener, neener, we have tickets and you don't*

Anyhow. 1 question he was asked made me think. I'm paraphrasing, but the question went something like this "have you ever received a bad blow job" Again paraphrasing, but Kevin's answer went something like this: "there's no such thing as a bad blow job."

I just had to stop and politely disagree with Sir Kevin Smtih, right there! Obviously I don't get, have never and WILL never be on the RECEIVING end of a BJ, but I have had a couple of people dine at the "Y". And let's just say that not ALL of them have been the best of customers. Some patrons have been sloppy, rude or don't even finish! (and what's with this back and forth head thing like all he is doing is shaking his head "NO"?? REALLY?!?! Like that's gonna get me off) Do you know how hard it is to fake an "O" while someone is giving you oral?!? You try it. Go on, I dare you! It's virtually impossible!!! And it sucks...no pun intended. While he was grubbing down his "meal", I was going over my finite calculus-trig homework that was assigned less than 2 hours ago!!! (and if I didn't have to 'show" my work, I'd be rocking that shyt). I mean, I was trying to figure out how Superman managed to rotate the Earth the other way without causing mass destruction. I was tyring to figure out who the shooter on the grassy knoll was. Hell! I was even trying to figure out what I was going to wear the next day with my knee high combat boots & stripped tights....skirt or shorts?!?!

Listen, I'm a NOT "professional" by ANY means, but I do, sort of, pride myself on my ability to "give" (if you know what I mean). Now, I haven't had any formal training, I haven't read any books nor have I gone to any classes (although how friggin cool would that be?!?!) but you sorta learn along the way. I mean you pick this shyt up in the locker room or in the hall between classes from your BFF's older sister or what not. All us females know Rule #1, first and foremost...NO TEETH!! From there I have learned that it's a matter of personal preference from the receiver.

Anyhow, the whole question and answer, in and of it's self, got me to wonder..."is there such a thing as bad oral sex?!?!"

So I want to hear from you, my loyal reader of 1...okay maybe 2, is there such a thing as bad oral sex? Have you EVER received bad oral? Have you EVER given bad oral sex? OR is bad oral sex an urban legend much like the giant alligators that live in the sewers of NY?

Happy Birthday to you??

My Ex's birthday was a couple of weeks ago. (This isn't a belated Birthday post, though.) Although since this is the first year being divorced (and the first year that his Mother isn't here to spend it with him) and having to celebrate his birthday it really got me thinking. Now what?!? In the years past, I ALWAYS made a big deal out of his birthday...well really anyone's birthday, but now what? In years past, I have gotten up at the butt crack of dawn to put "Happy Birthday" post it notes all over the house, make breakfast in bed, pamper him all day, throw themed parties, bought cakes, hell even....well you don't want to hear about that, but now what do I do? After 12 years the date is ingrained in my brain so I knew I wouldn't forget, not to mention P should do something for his Dad, right? That's what led me to question, now what do I do? What should an ex-wife do? What should a responsible parent do?

Should I FORCE P to buy him a gift? Should I leave it up to P whether he wants to buy Daddy a gift or not? I mean its not like P is old enough to be able to afford to buy a gift on his own, which means that I'm having to spend money on the Ex...and for that matter, should I get the Ex a card...or even a gift?!?!

I PRIDE myself on being a good Mother, a responsible parent and an excellent role model for my child. As in years past, I made a big deal out of the Ex's birthday....not HUGE or extravagant by ANY means, but a celebration. A celebration for the day that my Ex was brought into the World.

I started asking P weeks in advance what he would like to get Daddy for his birthday...I even let P pick out the present himself (it was an underwater Batman sub...I wonder WHO is REALLY getting to play with that). P also picked out the card himself...after I talked P out of getting the one with the half-naked girl, he decided on a talking South Park Card. And yes, even I got the Ex a gift. What can I say? After 12 years and a ton of shyt, I still consider him my friend. Of course the card was more humorous and less lovey-dovey than years past, but experience has shown that guys could give a rat's patooty about cards. And finally, we did go out to dinner. It wasn't home made with a sexy apron, thong and high heels on, but a nice dinner at a nice restaurant. We shared a bottle of wine and some laughs. It was nice, casual....friendly.

So I have to wonder, am I wrong? Did I over step some sort of "ex-wife" boundary? Or was I right in my choices? Shouldn't it be the responsibility of the Non-Birthday parent to help the kid(s) choose a gift for the Birthday Mom or Dad? Or does it depend on if the parents are getting along? Should the parent's personal feelings really get in the way of teaching a child how to treat someone with love and respect...especially on their Birthday???

What do you all think???

What's Grosser Than Gross???

One night when I was still living in California and just starting to date the now Ex-husband, we decided to go to the movies. I can't really remember what we saw now, but I'm sure it was something riveting like ShowGirls or Broken Arrow. *sigh* Oh the classics of the early 90's!!! Anyhow we get our treats (popcorn and soda) find out seats and settle in. A little way through the movie I reach over, not taking my eyes of that giant 40' screen, for fear that I might miss the best part of the movie or that critical piece of information for the plot (neither movie had any of those!!!) and reach over for the soda. I take a big size gulp to wash down my very buttery popcorn when all of the sudden, I swallowed a big huge mouthful of.....warm wintergreen-flavored chew spit, complete with pieces of chew!!! YES. WARM.CHEW.SPIT. I, of course, immediately start to gag (I'm sure I actually turned a shade of wintergreen) and spit it out on the floor when the ass turns to me and in a very hushed "movie theatre" like voice says "oh you probably don't want to drink that, I've been spitting my chew in it." Really!?!? You think!!! Here's an idea, why not tell me first?? Why not move the cup to the other side where its NOT sitting in between us??? Why not get a separate cup for spitting?!?! ARGH! MEN!!!

Lessoned learn. I now buy a seperate soda.

Is he that new actor?

As we do every Monday, Ashlee and I were catching up on the weekend events. Normally its the run of the mill stuff and not very blog worthy. However, this was too damn funny to keep to ourselves.

Ashlee: So what did you do this weekend?

Me: Well on Saturday Steve and I took the kids to Best Buy to replace some of the movies that had been stolen.

Ashlee: Who?

Me: Steve.

Ashlee: No Ben...

Me: BEST. BUY.

Ashlee: I know what Best Buy is, duh. I mean, what movie are you looking for? Which one with Ben Stolen in it?

Me: *crickets* *deer caught in head lights* WHAT are you talking about?!?!

Ashlee: You know, the actor, Ben Stolen.

Me: NO. We. went. to. Best. Buy. to. replace. the. movies. that. had. been. stolen.

Ashlee: Oooooh. I thought you were looking for a movie with Ben Stolen in it.

Me: *ROFL* *Hyperventilating* I THINK you mean Ben Stiller.

Ashlee: Oh yeah, that's it. So which of his movies did you get?

Calling All Single Ladies!!

Okay, not really, back off bitches, he's ALL mine!! *drum roll* Steve is divorced!!! I've waited over a year for this. Yeah, yeah, whatever, I'm a home wrecking hussy, who didn't know that already?!? Anyhow, my Steven, is FINALLY divorced and free from the CF (cunt faced) DB (douche bag) Psycho!! And to celebrate, I took him out to dinner. Just dinner you ask?!?! Then you don't know me very well and just what kind of girlfriend do you think I am anyways?!? The best kind!! We had Jager shots AND beer! Oh yeah and a shopping trip *evil smile* But I digress. I'm so fucking happy that its done and over with and he's now mine...all mine. (WOW that sounds psycho, doesn't it?!?!) Seriously though I've had a smile on my face ALL week.

Really, I'm not a total heartless bitch though, dispite what the Douche Bag says, I do feel bad. I feel bad for the kids. They have to continue to live with the CF DB! But he's working on that. Until then, we will enjoy "family" life every other weekend with our kids! We will continue to show them that two people can have an open and loving relationship and not scream and fight with each other every day over stupid shyt like who took out the garbage last (although, I'm sure one day we will. Then we'll make up and have amazing "makeup" sex). Oh and speaking of sex....there's nothing like having sex with a newly single, piece of hot ass!!! You know what I'm taking about. *cue 70's porn music* Anyhow without further ado, I introduce my newly single (on paper only) Steve!! *drum roll*

Now to start planning our divorce parties!!!! Who wants to buy me a shot?!?!?

Alessander's signature move. Learn it, live it, love it!

Ashlee was telling me that in her next life, she would like to come back as a man named Alessander. Alessander would be a smooth talking, smooth operating, ladies man. Of course, Alessander would practice safe sex. He would only sleep with virgins, perform a do-it-yourself home STD test or slip them the Plan B in their wine. Alessander is not about to be any one's "baby's Daddy." To make extra sure that this doesn't happen, Alessander has a signature move, you should learn it and practice safe sex too.

Step 1: only approached virgins when in da club. They will be easily recognizable as the quiet ones among their gaggle of friends. Also, they will have no rhythm when out on the dance floor and will most likely be the ones sitting alone in a booth, sipping their umbrella drinks with a HUGE slice of pineapple on the side.

Step 2: take her back to your house...I should probably mention here that Alessander lives at home with his mom. Once at said home, quickly kick your mom out of your room which happens to also be the basement. Light some candles and pour some red wine....classy!

Step 3: when she's bending over for that glass of wine laced with the Plan B pill, quickly stick your junk in her butt (see diagram 1). She's a dirty girl after all....she just doesn't know it yet! And don't forget to ask her how she likes that? Alessander is always the gentleman. This step will insure that you won't get any nasty diseases...you know, just in case your at home STD testing kit is on the fritz.

Step 4: when you're about to reach the BIG "O", quickly pull out of her butt. (see diagram 2)You want to make sure that some of your swimmers don't accidentally find their way to the promise land. Further insuring that she doesn't come a knockin 9 months later with a 18 year financial burden. No one wants to go on Maury to have a DNA test. Once you have pulled out, hit her on the head with your junk a couple of times. Show her the goods. This is also a good time to make sure that she hasn't fallen asleep on you. No one likes sex with a dead fish.

Step 5: Then when you are ready, just let it go all over her face (see diagram 3). She will appreciate that you have kept her virginity intact and at the same time, given her face that nice healthy glow that you can only get from an expensive facial at an European spa. Remember, always the gentleman. Notice that big smile on her face!?!? Oh yeah, she'll be coming back for more. And the best thing, you won't have to worry about your condom breaking and having to go into the witness protection program when the crazy stalker bitch is looking for child support!

I would have to say that Ashlee's...err, I mean Alessander's signature move is pretty flawless, don't you? It shows that he not only cares about the lady and her reputation, but is doing something about population control at the same time. A real gentleman and a humanitarian!